This is jokes thread! Post your best jokes! 
I will start first! 
I will start first! A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
Continuation of:
Jokes Thread
I noticed it was at 200+ pages and was expecting this.
From what i just read above...dirty jokes are allowed?
Just keep the jokes as clean as you can. In other words, don't go out of your way to find and post obscene or insulting jokes. Thanks.
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings 
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
I dont know whats funnier... the moral, or the accent Laughing
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!
... Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is *Fiji Islands*
... Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is *Fiji Islands*
as this is the beginning of a new thread, we must have a chicken joke:
Q. why did the chicken kill itself?
A. to get to the other side.
Q. why did the chicken kill itself?
A. to get to the other side.
Q: What is the height of pressure?
A: A man keeping the laptop on his girlfriend's back and working on both of them simultaneously.
A: A man keeping the laptop on his girlfriend's back and working on both of them simultaneously.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by kronckew as this is the beginning of a new thread, we must have a chicken joke:
Q. why did the chicken kill itself?
A. to get to the other side.
Q. why did the chicken kill itself?
A. to get to the other side.
Why did the teddy bear cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
Why did the one armed man cross the road?
To get to the second hand store.
To get to the second hand store.
A Bear and a Rabbit are walking through the woods.
The Bear asks the Rabbit "You ever have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit says "nope."
They walk a little farther and the Bear says "You sure you don't have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit says "no."
The Bear says "Great!", grabs the Rabbit and wipes his rear with him.
The Bear asks the Rabbit "You ever have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit says "nope."
They walk a little farther and the Bear says "You sure you don't have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit says "no."
The Bear says "Great!", grabs the Rabbit and wipes his rear with him.
Could you be more specific? I am pretty hard to offend, and I dont know which term(s) you object to. I like the quote "You always have the right to not be oppressed, you never have the right to not be offended". And it turns out that you could never complete a sentence without offending someone.
Racial Slurs Database
Racial Slurs Database
Nevermind, its been removed.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by periboob Could you be more specific? I am pretty hard to offend, and I dont know which term(s) you object to. I like the quote "You always have the right to not be oppressed, you never have the right to not be offended". And it turns out that you could never complete a sentence without offending someone.
Racial Slurs Database
Racial Slurs Database
Keep it clean, I dont want to have to remove posts again.
I understand, and appreciate your efforts in that direction. I know moderating must be a tough job, particularly in a "Chill-out" room, and in a Jokes thread. But I honestly do not understand what was offensive.
Guess I will just go back to lurking.
Guess I will just go back to lurking.
There was nothing offensive. But I m sure you do not speak such language at home. Similarly, this forums has members of every age group and some might not like it. 
�� Quote: Originally Posted by periboob I understand, and appreciate your efforts in that direction. I know moderating must be a tough job, particularly in a "Chill-out" room, and in a Jokes thread. But I honestly do not understand what was offensive.
Guess I will just go back to lurking.
Guess I will just go back to lurking.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 �� Quote: Originally Posted by periboob I understand, and appreciate your efforts in that direction. I know moderating must be a tough job, particularly in a "Chill-out" room, and in a Jokes thread. But I honestly do not understand what was offensive.
Guess I will just go back to lurking.
Guess I will just go back to lurking.
I'll buy that!
Let's keep it simple...............
If you wouldn't tell your 5 year old son/daughter a joke...........
Then don't tell it here.
With over 98K+ members you never know who is going to read it.
If you wouldn't tell your 5 year old son/daughter a joke...........
Then don't tell it here.
With over 98K+ members you never know who is going to read it.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Thorsen What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
More jokes please 
Prehistoric iPad
Imposition
Sys Admin
Imposition
Sys Admin
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate
Structure, the smaller your balls become.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate
Structure, the smaller your balls become.
Related:
Baseball is all wrong. A man with four balls can not walk.
Baseball is all wrong. A man with four balls can not walk.
A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by steve-pressman A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Not a joke, per se, but I thought this was funny Welcome to Facebook
Some times i wake up grumpy,,,
and some times i just let him sleep in
and some times i just let him sleep in
Quote:
Not a joke, per se, but I thought this was funny Welcome to Facebook
The History of Medicine
------------------------------------
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1975 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
------------------------------------
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1975 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... �Will you marry me?�
The Princess said sarcastically �NO!�
So the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles as fast as he wanted and went fishing and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
The Princess said sarcastically �NO!�
So the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles as fast as he wanted and went fishing and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by steve-pressman Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... �Will you marry me?�
The Princess said sarcastically �NO!�
So the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles as fast as he wanted and went fishing and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
The Princess said sarcastically �NO!�
So the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles as fast as he wanted and went fishing and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Exam answers -
Products of government schools.
Products of government schools.
Folks, you can't make this stuff up. Real life can be funnier then fiction...
Bored of the same old two-party system? Check out these actual political parties that exist or existed.
THE RHINOCEROS PARTY - This Canadian Party existed with a very unusual platform. It included: repealing the law of gravity, paving the entire province of Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot, providing higher education by building taller schools, instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages, making bubble gum the national currency, putting the national debt on Visa, counting the Thousand Islands to make sure none were missing, and banning lousy Canadian winters.
BEER LOVERS PARTY - This post-Soviet assembly was founded in 1993 in the state of Belarus. Among its major goals was the push for the cleanness and quality of the national brew. Its logo was a cartoon of a drunken hedgehog. The party was liquidated in 1998.
THE ABSOLUTELY ABSURD PARTY is another Canadian joke party which advocates the following: Lowering the voting age to 14(Because, after all, when was the last time a 14-year-old started a war?), changing the rules in federal elections so that the candidate in last place becomes the elected official, raffling off Senate seats as a fundraising mechanism, and replacing the Department of Defense with a crack elite squad of Rock/Paper/Scissors commandos.
THE UNION OF CONSCIENTIOUSLY WORK-SHY ELEMENTS was an unusually successful frivolous political party founded by comedian Jacob Haugaard in Denmark in 1979. Haugaard eventually won a seat in the Danish Parliament by making the following campaign promises: Tail winds on all bicycle paths, better weather, better Christmas presents, more pieces of Renaissance furniture in Ikea, Nutella in Army field rations, more bread for ducks in the park, and free beer and sausages, funded by his state party funding, served to his voters in the public park in Aarhus after each election. (The last three were actually fulfilled during his term in office.)
THE HUNGARIAN DOUBLE-TAILED DOG PARTY is a joke political party that was founded in 2004. All of the candidates are named Istvan Nagy, two very common first and last names in Hungary. While not an officially registered party, it nevertheless made the following promises in the 2006 elections: Eternal life, world peace, one-day work weeks, two sunsets a day, smaller gravitation, free beer and low taxes.
THE McGILLICUDDY SERIOUS PARTY is a joke party in New Zealand that promotes the following: Replacing the Royal New Zealand Armoured Corps with mounted knights, replacing money with chocolate fish as legal tender, using beer as a national defense strategy by leaving many bottles on all beaches so any invading army would abandon its attack and get drunk instead, restricting the vote to only those under 18 (with actual campaign ads run during children's programming), votes for trees (as New Zealanders have a reputation as environmentalists), air bags for the New Zealand Stock Exchange (in case of a crash), good weather (but only if the voters behave), job creation by carpeting the nations highways, and the sending-out of intelligence agents around the world to wipe New Zealand off published maps so no one could invade the country.
THE DONALD DUCK PARTY is a Swedish joke political party that received write-in votes before it even existed. Capitalizing on its popularity, one man, Bosse Person, registered it. He is its only member. In 1991, the party received 1,535 write in votes by promoting a platform which advocated free liquor and wider sidewalks.
THE HAPPENING HAPPY HIPPY PARTY was a spoof political party that was really more a Web site and "e-zine" that ran in the late '90's and early '00's. It promoted easing the burden on Britain's National Health Service by making accidents illegal and improving Britain's climate by towing the island 200 miles south.
THE MARIJUANA PARTY actually exists and is a current US political party that runs candidates who - you guessed it - work tirelessly toward the legalization of marijuana!
THE YOUTH INTERNATIONAL PARTY was a highly theatrical and anti-authoritarian political party that existed in the US in the 60's. Its members were called "Yippies." Better known for street theatre and politically themed pranks that mocked the status quo (such as running a pig as its candidate in the 1968 Election and throwing money out to the crowd at the New York Stock Exchange), this socialist countercultural organization was amusingly dubbed the "Groucho Marxists."
Bored of the same old two-party system? Check out these actual political parties that exist or existed.
THE RHINOCEROS PARTY - This Canadian Party existed with a very unusual platform. It included: repealing the law of gravity, paving the entire province of Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot, providing higher education by building taller schools, instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages, making bubble gum the national currency, putting the national debt on Visa, counting the Thousand Islands to make sure none were missing, and banning lousy Canadian winters.
BEER LOVERS PARTY - This post-Soviet assembly was founded in 1993 in the state of Belarus. Among its major goals was the push for the cleanness and quality of the national brew. Its logo was a cartoon of a drunken hedgehog. The party was liquidated in 1998.
THE ABSOLUTELY ABSURD PARTY is another Canadian joke party which advocates the following: Lowering the voting age to 14(Because, after all, when was the last time a 14-year-old started a war?), changing the rules in federal elections so that the candidate in last place becomes the elected official, raffling off Senate seats as a fundraising mechanism, and replacing the Department of Defense with a crack elite squad of Rock/Paper/Scissors commandos.
THE UNION OF CONSCIENTIOUSLY WORK-SHY ELEMENTS was an unusually successful frivolous political party founded by comedian Jacob Haugaard in Denmark in 1979. Haugaard eventually won a seat in the Danish Parliament by making the following campaign promises: Tail winds on all bicycle paths, better weather, better Christmas presents, more pieces of Renaissance furniture in Ikea, Nutella in Army field rations, more bread for ducks in the park, and free beer and sausages, funded by his state party funding, served to his voters in the public park in Aarhus after each election. (The last three were actually fulfilled during his term in office.)
THE HUNGARIAN DOUBLE-TAILED DOG PARTY is a joke political party that was founded in 2004. All of the candidates are named Istvan Nagy, two very common first and last names in Hungary. While not an officially registered party, it nevertheless made the following promises in the 2006 elections: Eternal life, world peace, one-day work weeks, two sunsets a day, smaller gravitation, free beer and low taxes.
THE McGILLICUDDY SERIOUS PARTY is a joke party in New Zealand that promotes the following: Replacing the Royal New Zealand Armoured Corps with mounted knights, replacing money with chocolate fish as legal tender, using beer as a national defense strategy by leaving many bottles on all beaches so any invading army would abandon its attack and get drunk instead, restricting the vote to only those under 18 (with actual campaign ads run during children's programming), votes for trees (as New Zealanders have a reputation as environmentalists), air bags for the New Zealand Stock Exchange (in case of a crash), good weather (but only if the voters behave), job creation by carpeting the nations highways, and the sending-out of intelligence agents around the world to wipe New Zealand off published maps so no one could invade the country.
THE DONALD DUCK PARTY is a Swedish joke political party that received write-in votes before it even existed. Capitalizing on its popularity, one man, Bosse Person, registered it. He is its only member. In 1991, the party received 1,535 write in votes by promoting a platform which advocated free liquor and wider sidewalks.
THE HAPPENING HAPPY HIPPY PARTY was a spoof political party that was really more a Web site and "e-zine" that ran in the late '90's and early '00's. It promoted easing the burden on Britain's National Health Service by making accidents illegal and improving Britain's climate by towing the island 200 miles south.
THE MARIJUANA PARTY actually exists and is a current US political party that runs candidates who - you guessed it - work tirelessly toward the legalization of marijuana!
THE YOUTH INTERNATIONAL PARTY was a highly theatrical and anti-authoritarian political party that existed in the US in the 60's. Its members were called "Yippies." Better known for street theatre and politically themed pranks that mocked the status quo (such as running a pig as its candidate in the 1968 Election and throwing money out to the crowd at the New York Stock Exchange), this socialist countercultural organization was amusingly dubbed the "Groucho Marxists."
Firefox screwed up;;
borg, you left out the UK's Monster Raving Looney Party, which has hundreds of unique and politically necessary policies on their web site.
<-linky image
one of their policies is that the UK should set up an official terrorist training camp to train and license suicide bombers. their final exam will be to actually blow themselves up (in a safe location of course) in order to get their license. fees collected would of course go to pay for the laser guided water pistols being issued to the UK defence forces to replace their politically incorrect weapons.
<-linky imageone of their policies is that the UK should set up an official terrorist training camp to train and license suicide bombers. their final exam will be to actually blow themselves up (in a safe location of course) in order to get their license. fees collected would of course go to pay for the laser guided water pistols being issued to the UK defence forces to replace their politically incorrect weapons.
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model...
The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a
sense of humor
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model...
The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a
sense of humor
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a
sense of humor
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a
sense of humor
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine...
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine...
Good one Dennis.
What is the difference between a @ss kisser and a brown noser
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depth perception
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depth perception
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LittleMiss What is the difference between a @ss kisser and a brown noser
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depth perception
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depth perception
I have another answer for that but I would be banned before the cows come home.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model...
The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a
sense of humor
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model...
The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a
sense of humor
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by LittleMiss What is the difference between a @ss kisser and a brown noser
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
depth perception
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
depth perception
I have another answer for that but I would be banned before the cows come home.
Be careful of Seniors....We may be old but not dumb!
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then
you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500', he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then
you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500', he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep
That's great Dennis!
Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying
He calls his grandson to his bedside... " Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always
remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple
of bambinos.
Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man...
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
An old Italian man is dying
He calls his grandson to his bedside... " Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always
remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple
of bambinos.
Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man...
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
PARAPROSDOKIAN SENTENCES
There are a lot of them, some of I have seen before - some I haven't - but there are some pretty funny ones so I thought I would pass it along
� I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
� Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
� I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
� Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
� The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
� Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
� If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
� We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
� War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
� Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
� The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
� Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
� To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
� A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
� How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
� Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
� Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
� I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
� A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
� Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
� I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
� I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
� Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
� Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
� Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
� Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
� A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
� You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
� The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
� Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
� A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
� Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
� Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
� I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
� Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
� There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
� I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
� I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
� When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
� You're never too old to learn something stupid.
� To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
� Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
� Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
� A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
� If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
� Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
There are a lot of them, some of I have seen before - some I haven't - but there are some pretty funny ones so I thought I would pass it along
� I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
� Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
� I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
� Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
� The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
� Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
� If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
� We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
� War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
� Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
� The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
� Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
� To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
� A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
� How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
� Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
� Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
� I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
� A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
� Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
� I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
� I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
� Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
� Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
� Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
� Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
� A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
� You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
� The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
� Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
� A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
� Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
� Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
� I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
� Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
� There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
� I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
� I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
� When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
� You're never too old to learn something stupid.
� To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
� Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
� Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
� A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
� If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
� Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Be careful of Seniors....We may be old but not dumb!
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight...
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight...
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
"Dear Grandson,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that
the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the GUY behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of
God! '
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I Just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign right back .
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to
leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away..
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma"
She writes:
"Dear Grandson,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that
the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the GUY behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of
God! '
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I Just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign right back .
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to
leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away..
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma"
Good ol' Grandma!
Puns for Educated Minds ..............................
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired hissize from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.........
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired hissize from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.........
Those are great Doc.
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's House.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's House.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DocBrown Puns for Educated Minds ..............................
�� Quote: Originally Posted by derekimo Good ol' Grandma!
Aboard an El Al flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears"?
By Gum! By Gum!
.
In high school 4 girls were picking on a 5th for being a virgin, the 5th girl replied " yes i am a Virgin, and you are not, i can change my status you can't"
Great comeback!
Ball Game
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
You know the drill ... if you're smiling, pass it on
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
You know the drill ... if you're smiling, pass it on
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
You know the drill ... if you're smiling, pass it on
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
You know the drill ... if you're smiling, pass it on
Quote:
I was told this joke by our Veterinarian and when he is called at 2am to help a heifer with her 1st calf , u remember the joke and do as he says lol
Reminds me about:
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his desire".
"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work"?
"Well" The vet replied "IT JUST WORKED FOR ME".
An elderly spinster a dog in heat and the vet
.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon...
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon...
I believe it! A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is �200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is �200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dinesh .
New business is booming
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.
Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
.
.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by JohnUnderscore �� Quote: Originally Posted by Dinesh .
New business is booming
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.
Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
.
.
An old lady walks into a butchers shop an asks for a Milwaukee chicken, the butcher looks at her scratches his head and puts a chicken on the counter,
the old lady sticks her finger in the chickens rear end sniffs her finger and says that's not a Milwaukee chicken that's a Rhodes island red.
this continues until she finds a Milwaukee chicken , "that one will do she says" ,
whilst the butcher is wrapping the chicken the old lady says "you are new here aren't you ,where are you from".
The butcher drops his trousers bends over and says "you tell me!"
the old lady sticks her finger in the chickens rear end sniffs her finger and says that's not a Milwaukee chicken that's a Rhodes island red.
this continues until she finds a Milwaukee chicken , "that one will do she says" ,
whilst the butcher is wrapping the chicken the old lady says "you are new here aren't you ,where are you from".
The butcher drops his trousers bends over and says "you tell me!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by boohbah An old lady walks into a butchers shop an asks for a Milwaukee chicken, the butcher looks at her scratches his head and puts a chicken on the counter,
the old lady sticks her finger in the chickens rear end sniffs her finger and says that's not a Milwaukee chicken that's a Rhodes island red.
this continues until she finds a Milwaukee chicken , "that one will do she says" ,
whilst the butcher is wrapping the chicken the old lady says "you are new here aren't you ,where are you from".
The butcher drops his trousers bends over and says "you tell me!"
the old lady sticks her finger in the chickens rear end sniffs her finger and says that's not a Milwaukee chicken that's a Rhodes island red.
this continues until she finds a Milwaukee chicken , "that one will do she says" ,
whilst the butcher is wrapping the chicken the old lady says "you are new here aren't you ,where are you from".
The butcher drops his trousers bends over and says "you tell me!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by steve-pressman A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is �200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is �200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Thanks, Steve; I needed that today. �� Quote: Originally Posted by JohnUnderscore .
.
New business is booming
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.
Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
.
.
.
New business is booming
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.
Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
.
.
I like this one!
This is a group of guys doing Lady Gaga's song.. Acapella.. Enjoy !!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcBaFTK85RQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcBaFTK85RQ&feature=related
Rules for Bank Robbers
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles How Not to Rob a Bank, by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up.
Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his weapon.
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope. The teller said "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.
Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles How Not to Rob a Bank, by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up.
Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his weapon.
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope. The teller said "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.
Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
Crazy world ain't it?
And if you look reeeeally hard, you'll notice a pink thing trailing behind...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 This is a group of guys doing Lady Gaga's song.. Acapella.. Enjoy !!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcBaFTK85RQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcBaFTK85RQ&feature=related
pro hi.. thanks, I enjoyed it as well.. they were so together.. must have really
practiced it a lot.
practiced it a lot.
TOP SIGNS he/she IS GETTING BORED HAVING SEX WITH YOU
After you request sex he/she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
Last time he/she screamed during sex was the first time he/she won at solitaire.
Only moans during commercial breaks.
Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. (Just can't let go of that "Bill Clinton" thing!)
You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
Beginning to think he/she is only "playing" dead.
During the act, he/she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
Moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file playing on the portable music player.
Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, he/she wants to leave her pants on too.
Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
Boredom? So that's why he/she keeps deflating....
Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold so you can "hurry it along."
Asks to be on top so he/she can balance her checkbook better.
he/she yells out her own name.
Bangs head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
After you request sex he/she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
Last time he/she screamed during sex was the first time he/she won at solitaire.
Only moans during commercial breaks.
Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. (Just can't let go of that "Bill Clinton" thing!)
You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
Beginning to think he/she is only "playing" dead.
During the act, he/she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
Moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file playing on the portable music player.
Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, he/she wants to leave her pants on too.
Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
Boredom? So that's why he/she keeps deflating....
Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold so you can "hurry it along."
Asks to be on top so he/she can balance her checkbook better.
he/she yells out her own name.
Bangs head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
Monkey Business
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
25-Hospital Bloopers--writings from hospital charts: --
1)The patient refused autopsy. --
2)The patient has no previous history of suicides. --
3)Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. --
4)She has no rigors or shaking chills,but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. --
5)Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a yr. -
-6)on the 2nd day the knee was better,+on the 3rd day it disappeared. --
7)The patient is tearful+crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. --
8)The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in1993. --
9)Discharge status:Alive but without permission --
10)Healthy appearing decrepit 69-yr old male, mentally alert but forgetful. --
11)Patient had waffles for breakfast+anorexia for lunch. --
12)She is numb from her toes down. --
13)While in ER,she was examined,x-rated+sent home. --
14)The skin was moist+dry. -
-15)Occasional,constant infrequent headaches. --
16)Patient was alert+unresponsive. --
7)Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid( ??? ouch) --
18)She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,until she got a divorce. --
19)I saw your patient today,who is still under our car for physical therapy. -
-20)Both breasts are equal+reactive to light+accommodation. --
21)Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.( O.K..) --Huuuumm --
22)The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. --
23)Skin:somewhat pale but present. --
24)The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. --
25)Patient has 2 teenage children,but no other abnormalities.
1)The patient refused autopsy. --
2)The patient has no previous history of suicides. --
3)Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. --
4)She has no rigors or shaking chills,but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. --
5)Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a yr. -
-6)on the 2nd day the knee was better,+on the 3rd day it disappeared. --
7)The patient is tearful+crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. --
8)The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in1993. --
9)Discharge status:Alive but without permission --
10)Healthy appearing decrepit 69-yr old male, mentally alert but forgetful. --
11)Patient had waffles for breakfast+anorexia for lunch. --
12)She is numb from her toes down. --
13)While in ER,she was examined,x-rated+sent home. --
14)The skin was moist+dry. -
-15)Occasional,constant infrequent headaches. --
16)Patient was alert+unresponsive. --
7)Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid( ??? ouch) --
18)She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,until she got a divorce. --
19)I saw your patient today,who is still under our car for physical therapy. -
-20)Both breasts are equal+reactive to light+accommodation. --
21)Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.( O.K..) --Huuuumm --
22)The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. --
23)Skin:somewhat pale but present. --
24)The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. --
25)Patient has 2 teenage children,but no other abnormalities.
Computers
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings 25-Hospital Bloopers--writings from hospital charts: --
�� Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 �� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings 25-Hospital Bloopers--writings from hospital charts: --
Bright Blessings
To your wife and yourself
Marriage
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
An Irishman at the Pearly Gates
So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention.
"And you are...?" St. Peter asks.
"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.
"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan... you're a member of the Irish Republican Army".
"Yeh, that'd be me", replies Kevin.
"You blew up that pub in London"!
"Yeah".
"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland".
"Yeh, that's all me work", comes the nonplussed reply.
St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here"!
"Let me in, Hell"! says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've got ten minutes to get out"!
An Irishman at the Pearly Gates
So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention.
"And you are...?" St. Peter asks.
"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.
"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan... you're a member of the Irish Republican Army".
"Yeh, that'd be me", replies Kevin.
"You blew up that pub in London"!
"Yeah".
"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland".
"Yeh, that's all me work", comes the nonplussed reply.
St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here"!
"Let me in, Hell"! says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've got ten minutes to get out"!
An Irishman at the Pearly Gates
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".
And here I am.
Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".
And here I am.
Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by steve-pressman The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".
And here I am.
Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".
And here I am.
Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by steve-pressman Computers
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............
http://www.sevenforums.com/856341-post1572.html
Nice one though
Mahatma Gamdhi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said Wait just a minute! she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, I hope you werent crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.
She said, Yes, I promised. Im a good christian, I cant lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.
You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?
I sure did. I gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check for it.
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said Wait just a minute! she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, I hope you werent crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.
She said, Yes, I promised. Im a good christian, I cant lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.
You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?
I sure did. I gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check for it.
Information has leaked that Apple are to release a new product: "the iWedding"
It's just like a regular wedding, the only problem is they don't provide any reception.
Most popular iPhone App of the month:
Public Telephone Box Locator.
Two iPhone 4's got married. It was a lovely ceremony, but the reception was awful...
Apparently they held it in the wrong place.
It's just like a regular wedding, the only problem is they don't provide any reception.
Most popular iPhone App of the month:
Public Telephone Box Locator.
Two iPhone 4's got married. It was a lovely ceremony, but the reception was awful...
Apparently they held it in the wrong place.
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a
Brazillion?"
says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a
Brazillion?"
True story actually:
About 3 years ago, at my old job with the local government, I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (At work, on time).
It happened to be the day we got a new NZ$20k machine that will create CD's.
I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (Rubbernecking while the Vendor delivered and installed it).
Consequently, I became the on-site tech for this machine. I had to learn everything about it, and fix it when it broke down.
It was about 3 weeks later, I found this on the net, printed it off onto A3 and posted on the wall at the desk where the CD machine was located...
Needless to say, the boss did have a giggle...
Keyword also being 'my old job'
(Yes... you've probably seen it before. Its an old, and common flowchart.
But it does actually get used and followed...)
About 3 years ago, at my old job with the local government, I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (At work, on time).
It happened to be the day we got a new NZ$20k machine that will create CD's.
I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (Rubbernecking while the Vendor delivered and installed it).
Consequently, I became the on-site tech for this machine. I had to learn everything about it, and fix it when it broke down.
It was about 3 weeks later, I found this on the net, printed it off onto A3 and posted on the wall at the desk where the CD machine was located...
Needless to say, the boss did have a giggle...
Keyword also being 'my old job'
(Yes... you've probably seen it before. Its an old, and common flowchart.
But it does actually get used and followed...)
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'
Another flowchart here
For Pet and Non Pet Owner's....
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
Confession
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set; and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set; and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
LOL! The priest is also evil for breaking his sacred Seal of Confession.
Not exactly evil, but he needs to repent.. I am sure....
The priest and half the audience were very upset to hear that the politicians sister had VD.... she got around....
The priest and half the audience were very upset to hear that the politicians sister had VD.... she got around....
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves For Pet and Non Pet Owner's....
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
Why Parent's Drink:
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was
absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an
urgent problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'hello'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy ,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman and the priest,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice..
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME!
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was
absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an
urgent problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'hello'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy ,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman and the priest,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice..
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Why Parent's Drink:
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was
absent but had not phoned in sick one day...
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was
absent but had not phoned in sick one day...
Whoever wrote that obviously had a little boy! Carl hi.. that's exactly what I thought .. I love little boys they are so funny.. you never know what's going to come out of them next....or what they might say..
Bloke went into a tailor-shop and asked for 96 pockets to
be sewn into his jacket.
Then he went around the pet shops till he had bought 96 budgies.
He climbed up onto a roof, put a budgie into each pocket,
then jumped!
Someone nearby where he landed with a terrible thump
heard him moan,
"Well that's the end of that budgie jumping for me!"
be sewn into his jacket.
Then he went around the pet shops till he had bought 96 budgies.
He climbed up onto a roof, put a budgie into each pocket,
then jumped!
Someone nearby where he landed with a terrible thump
heard him moan,
"Well that's the end of that budgie jumping for me!"
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances �.
While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Ray & his wife Charlotte listened to the instructor declare: �It is essential that husbands & wives know the things that are important to each other.�
He then addressed the men, asking: �Can you name & describe your wife's favourite flower?�
Ray leaned over, touched Charlotte's arm gently & whispered: �It's self- raising, isn't it?�
And thus began Ray's life of celibacy.
While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Ray & his wife Charlotte listened to the instructor declare: �It is essential that husbands & wives know the things that are important to each other.�
He then addressed the men, asking: �Can you name & describe your wife's favourite flower?�
Ray leaned over, touched Charlotte's arm gently & whispered: �It's self- raising, isn't it?�
And thus began Ray's life of celibacy.
Why Superman dresses the way he does...
Once upon a time, when he was very young, Superman wore nothing but romper suits. One day, he asked his mother if they could go and get some new clothes for him as he was beginning to feel embarrassed about the way he dressed. Well, he was 10 years old at the time. So his mother agreed. They went to the big department store and bought some clothes. They bought pants and shorts.
Superman was very excited. He'd never had clothes before, and now he had pants and shorts. There was just one problem. Neither he nor his mother knew in what order he should put them on. So they asked the assistant who sold them the clothes. She smiled at them and said "Pants on first, and then the shorts" (we need to remember that Superman is American, but the shop assistant is British). So Superman did as he was told, and put his pants on first followed by the shorts.
So now we know why Superman dresses the way he does.
Once upon a time, when he was very young, Superman wore nothing but romper suits. One day, he asked his mother if they could go and get some new clothes for him as he was beginning to feel embarrassed about the way he dressed. Well, he was 10 years old at the time. So his mother agreed. They went to the big department store and bought some clothes. They bought pants and shorts.
Superman was very excited. He'd never had clothes before, and now he had pants and shorts. There was just one problem. Neither he nor his mother knew in what order he should put them on. So they asked the assistant who sold them the clothes. She smiled at them and said "Pants on first, and then the shorts" (we need to remember that Superman is American, but the shop assistant is British). So Superman did as he was told, and put his pants on first followed by the shorts.
So now we know why Superman dresses the way he does.
A bloke is driving down the street.
A cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The bloke says, "Oh, thank God!
The cop says "Thank God?"
The bloke says "Aye...I thought for a moment I went deaf."
A cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The bloke says, "Oh, thank God!
The cop says "Thank God?"
The bloke says "Aye...I thought for a moment I went deaf."
�Hello?�
"Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he Jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he Didn�t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the Bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
No, this is 486-5713.....
Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!
"Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he Jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he Didn�t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the Bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
No, this is 486-5713.....
Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!
Good news and bad news
A guy from Saskatchewan went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Regina Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.�
A guy from Saskatchewan went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Regina Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.�
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Good news and bad news
A guy from Saskatchewan went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Regina Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.�
A guy from Saskatchewan went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Regina Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.�
Some jokes cant be told, you have to see them at work.
Artisanal Pencil Sharpening
Artisanal Pencil Sharpening
Here is the other portion of the Abbot and Costello that i have:
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency....
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty....
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q.. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency....
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty....
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q.. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
That was a great show, Thanks BB.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Hollywood Squares...
That was good BrightBlessings...I used to watch that show just because of Paul Lynde and his answers
lots of applause here ... and roflao
The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you knowit was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you knowit was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
hmmmm....
�� Quote: Originally Posted by echrada The Irish Millionaire
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 hmmmm....
This one's good!
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget...
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No...
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget...
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No...
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Samurai
Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials:
...a Japanese Samurai
...a Chinese Samurai
...and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! Went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on theground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "This is impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his great flashing sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed in awe, "That is really VERY impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! but the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display said, "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials:
...a Japanese Samurai
...a Chinese Samurai
...and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! Went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on theground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "This is impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his great flashing sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed in awe, "That is really VERY impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! but the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display said, "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
The Doctor habitually closed his inner city practice at 4p.m. then he'd go downstairs to the little
bar at street level. There, Richard the barman, would have an almond daquiri ready and the Dr. would
realax and enjoy his favourite drink.
One day the bar ran out of almonds and delivery wasn't for another day. The barman called the kitchen
and asked cook if he had any. He didn't but he did have some hickory nuts which he had roasted so the kitchen staff could taste what they were like. Cook told the bar-man to use them ground up.
Just after 4p.m. the Doctor came in, sat at his usual seat, picked up his daquiri and tasted.
After a brief pause he asked,
"Is this an almond daquiri Dick?" to which the barman replied,
"No, it's a hickory daquiry Doc."
bar at street level. There, Richard the barman, would have an almond daquiri ready and the Dr. would
realax and enjoy his favourite drink.
One day the bar ran out of almonds and delivery wasn't for another day. The barman called the kitchen
and asked cook if he had any. He didn't but he did have some hickory nuts which he had roasted so the kitchen staff could taste what they were like. Cook told the bar-man to use them ground up.
Just after 4p.m. the Doctor came in, sat at his usual seat, picked up his daquiri and tasted.
After a brief pause he asked,
"Is this an almond daquiri Dick?" to which the barman replied,
"No, it's a hickory daquiry Doc."
Just picked this lot up from another forum.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
These actually appeared in church bulletins, and are absolutely hilarious!
-- Ushers will eat latecomers.
-- She sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving much pleasure to the congregation.
-- Sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. Sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
-- A letter to the men�s fellowship reads: "All members are requested to bring their wives and one other covered dish to the annual banquet."
-- Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
-- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!
-- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.....It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
-- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
-- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-- Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
-- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
-- Don�t let depression kill you; let the church help.
-- Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
These actually appeared in church bulletins, and are absolutely hilarious!
-- Ushers will eat latecomers.
-- She sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving much pleasure to the congregation.
-- Sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. Sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
-- A letter to the men�s fellowship reads: "All members are requested to bring their wives and one other covered dish to the annual banquet."
-- Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
-- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!
-- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.....It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
-- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
-- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-- Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
-- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
-- Don�t let depression kill you; let the church help.
-- Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.
Subject: There I was
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve;
then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about
me,
how's your day going?"
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve;
then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about
me,
how's your day going?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...
Who Is Jack Schitt?
You Don't Know Jack Schitt...
For some time many of us have wondered just who Jack Schitt is ?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
a knowledgeable manner.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the heiress to Nee-deep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe
Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because
her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt- Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other
six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens twins in a
dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,
Byrd, and Horse.
Just to close the loop, Bull Schitt the prodigal son who left home to
tour the world, recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,
Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you may feel free
to correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
You Don't Know Jack Schitt...
For some time many of us have wondered just who Jack Schitt is ?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
a knowledgeable manner.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the heiress to Nee-deep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe
Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because
her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt- Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other
six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens twins in a
dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,
Byrd, and Horse.
Just to close the loop, Bull Schitt the prodigal son who left home to
tour the world, recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,
Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you may feel free
to correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
The Zen of Sarcasm.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Quote:
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by nithig 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Secret Code
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president
Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.
They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
They called all of their contacts in the
media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come
up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled
President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked
him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ....you're holding it upside down!
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president
Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.
They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
They called all of their contacts in the
media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come
up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled
President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked
him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ....you're holding it upside down!
That was great Dennis!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Secret Code
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president
Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.
They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
They called all of their contacts in the
media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come
up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled
President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked
him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ....you're holding it upside down!
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president
Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.
They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
They called all of their contacts in the
media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come
up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled
President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked
him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ....you're holding it upside down!
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.
"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor".
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.
"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor".
Loved it (Secret Code)
We had a local Chinese restaurant, but they went out of business....do you think it could have been because of the spelling? (G and H on the menu)
We had a local Chinese restaurant, but they went out of business....do you think it could have been because of the spelling? (G and H on the menu)
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 ...We had a local Chinese restaurant, but they went out of business....do you think it could have been because of the spelling? (G and H on the menu)
I wish I had kept one, but an old Chinese restaurant I liked back in Virgina had misspellings and bad grammar all over the place. The best part was a section where the printer apparently had some trouble and left himself a note in the description for one dish saying "can't read", which ended up being printed verbatim right in the middle of the blurb for Lemon Chicken.
I love this doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - glass of port in one hand - cigarette in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - glass of port in one hand - cigarette in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
That's great BB!
i'm still chuckling over the tractor!
______________________________
Oh...btw... my cousin Mick came out here to Australia
from Dublin.
He got a job driving a semi
which he proceeded to drive right off the mountain.
"Why the hell did you do that Mick?"
"Well, y' know," he replied, "I wanted to check out the air brakes."
______________________________
Oh...btw... my cousin Mick came out here to Australia
from Dublin.
He got a job driving a semi
which he proceeded to drive right off the mountain.
"Why the hell did you do that Mick?"
"Well, y' know," he replied, "I wanted to check out the air brakes."
Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A:Try a bookstores, under Fiction.
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done, you'll have a place to live.
Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Isthat true?
Where canitbefound?
A:Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt "
Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your over 60-year-old husband?
A:Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:Take off your glasses.
Q:Seriously!
What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:On their foreheads.
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:"Gosh, I remember these!"
Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A:Try a bookstores, under Fiction.
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done, you'll have a place to live.
Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Isthat true?
Where canitbefound?
A:Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt "
Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your over 60-year-old husband?
A:Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:Take off your glasses.
Q:Seriously!
What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:On their foreheads.
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:"Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor,
�� Quote: Originally Posted by nithig i'm still chuckling over the tractor!
______________________________
Oh...btw... my cousin Mick came out here to Australia
from Dublin.
He got a job driving a semi
which he proceeded to drive right off the mountain.
"Why the hell did you do that Mick?"
"Well, y' know," he replied, "I wanted to check out the air brakes."
______________________________
Oh...btw... my cousin Mick came out here to Australia
from Dublin.
He got a job driving a semi
which he proceeded to drive right off the mountain.
"Why the hell did you do that Mick?"
"Well, y' know," he replied, "I wanted to check out the air brakes."
Good one!
Got to Love Maxine:
Let me get this straight. We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't;
written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it;
passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it;
to be signed by a president who also smokes;
with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes;
to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese;
and financed by a country that's broke.
What could possibly go wrong?
Let me get this straight. We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't;
written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it;
passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it;
to be signed by a president who also smokes;
with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes;
to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese;
and financed by a country that's broke.
What could possibly go wrong?
For all you car owner's .....BEWARE!
The Porch
A blond teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right.... I guess I'm starting to Believe all
those dumb blonde jokes.
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
The Porch
A blond teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right.... I guess I'm starting to Believe all
those dumb blonde jokes.
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
Don't know if this is true but funny nonetheless
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings I love this doctor
Attachment 99141
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true...
Attachment 99141
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true...
My kind of doctor! �� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Questions and Answers from AARP Forum...
Remember 1955??
Here are some of the comments made back then.....
> Comments made in the year
>> 1955!
>> (That's 55 years ago!)
>>
>>
>> 'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
>> going to be impossible To buy a week's groceries for $20.00.
>>
>>
>> 'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
>> It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a
>> used one.
>>
>> 'If cigarettes keep going up in price,
>> I'm going to quit.
>> A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
>>
>> 'Did you hear the post office is thinking about
>> charging a dime just to mail a letter?
>>
>> 'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
>> Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. '
>>
>> 'When I first started driving,
>> Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon..
>> Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
>>
>> 'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more..
>> Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying
>> DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
>> It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
>>
>> 'I read the other day where some scientist thinks
>> it's possible to put a man on the moon by the
>> end of the century.
>> They even have some fellows they call astronauts
>> preparing for it down in Texas .
>>
>> 'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
>> contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
>> It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
>> making more than the President.
>>
>> 'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
>> appliances would be electric.
>> They are even making electric typewriters now.
>>
>> 'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays..
>> I see where a few married women are having to work
>> to make ends meet.
>>
>> 'It won't be long before young couples are going to
>> have to hire someone
>> To watch their kids so they can both work.
>>
>> 'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
>> door to a whole lot of foreign business.
>>
>> 'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
>> Government takes half our income in taxes.
>> I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
>> people to congress.
>>
>> 'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
>> But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
>>
>> 'There is no sense going to Lincoln
>> or Omaha anymore for a weekend,
>> It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
>>
>> 'No one can afford to be sick anymore,
>> At $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for
>> my blood.'
>>
>> 'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Here are some of the comments made back then.....
> Comments made in the year
>> 1955!
>> (That's 55 years ago!)
>>
>>
>> 'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
>> going to be impossible To buy a week's groceries for $20.00.
>>
>>
>> 'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
>> It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a
>> used one.
>>
>> 'If cigarettes keep going up in price,
>> I'm going to quit.
>> A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
>>
>> 'Did you hear the post office is thinking about
>> charging a dime just to mail a letter?
>>
>> 'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
>> Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. '
>>
>> 'When I first started driving,
>> Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon..
>> Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
>>
>> 'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more..
>> Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying
>> DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
>> It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
>>
>> 'I read the other day where some scientist thinks
>> it's possible to put a man on the moon by the
>> end of the century.
>> They even have some fellows they call astronauts
>> preparing for it down in Texas .
>>
>> 'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
>> contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
>> It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
>> making more than the President.
>>
>> 'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
>> appliances would be electric.
>> They are even making electric typewriters now.
>>
>> 'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays..
>> I see where a few married women are having to work
>> to make ends meet.
>>
>> 'It won't be long before young couples are going to
>> have to hire someone
>> To watch their kids so they can both work.
>>
>> 'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
>> door to a whole lot of foreign business.
>>
>> 'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
>> Government takes half our income in taxes.
>> I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
>> people to congress.
>>
>> 'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
>> But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
>>
>> 'There is no sense going to Lincoln
>> or Omaha anymore for a weekend,
>> It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
>>
>> 'No one can afford to be sick anymore,
>> At $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for
>> my blood.'
>>
>> 'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It only took 100 years for us blokes to realize that our brains might be more important than our knackers
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Attachment 99669
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874
Attachment 99670
and the first helmet was used in 1974.
Attachment 99671
It only took 100 years for us blokes to realize that our brains might be more important than our knackers
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874
Attachment 99670
and the first helmet was used in 1974.
Attachment 99671
It only took 100 years for us blokes to realize that our brains might be more important than our knackers
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings ...It only took 100 years for us blokes to realize that our brains might be more important than our knackers
Are you OLD or getting OLD ???
$5.37!
That�s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56 , not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, he?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing
85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Notice the larger type? That';s for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate !!!!
$5.37!
That�s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56 , not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, he?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing
85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Notice the larger type? That';s for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate !!!!
Saying Good Night to Mother
We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots
back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she
always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my
wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the
night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's
just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
her a** with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so
I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat a** downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots
back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she
always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my
wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the
night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's
just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
her a** with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so
I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat a** downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Saying Good Night to Mother...
You should sleep like a baby tonite... after these jokes... I received those in my e-mail today..
had to share them.
had to share them.
LadyPink
That is too much!!
That is too much!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Are you OLD or getting OLD ???
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Saying Good Night to Mother
The clothing salesman finally sold...
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk�s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
�Guess what, sir� the clerk said. �I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we�ve had so long!�
�Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing� the manager asked?
�That�s the one�!
�That�s great!� the manager cried, �I thought we�d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we�ve ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged�?
�Oh,� the clerk replied, �after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me�.
http://Johns_Jokes.com/all-the-jokes
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk�s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
�Guess what, sir� the clerk said. �I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we�ve had so long!�
�Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing� the manager asked?
�That�s the one�!
�That�s great!� the manager cried, �I thought we�d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we�ve ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged�?
�Oh,� the clerk replied, �after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me�.
http://Johns_Jokes.com/all-the-jokes
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.
He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds:
"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds:
"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If that's the case, then I would be headed for the tavern for a Whiskey IV hook up!
I burglar breaks into a house. He's barely taken two steps when he hears a disembodied voice say:
"Jesus is watching"
The burglar freezes in his tracks and waits for 5 minutes, but nothing happens.
As he starts to move, he hears the same voice saying: "Jesus is watching"
He stands still for 5 minutes, and then reaches into his pocket and turns on his flashlight.
As he scans the room, he see's a parrot in a cage in the corner of the room.
He looks at the parrot and says "Hey Parrot, was that you?"
The parrot looks back and says "Yes, it was."
The burglar chuckles and says "So what's your name bird?"
The bird says "My name is Polly."
The burglar laughs and says "Geeez, that's a stupid name. Who's the idiot that gave you that name?"
The bird says "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."
"Jesus is watching"
The burglar freezes in his tracks and waits for 5 minutes, but nothing happens.
As he starts to move, he hears the same voice saying: "Jesus is watching"
He stands still for 5 minutes, and then reaches into his pocket and turns on his flashlight.
As he scans the room, he see's a parrot in a cage in the corner of the room.
He looks at the parrot and says "Hey Parrot, was that you?"
The parrot looks back and says "Yes, it was."
The burglar chuckles and says "So what's your name bird?"
The bird says "My name is Polly."
The burglar laughs and says "Geeez, that's a stupid name. Who's the idiot that gave you that name?"
The bird says "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."
This Funny World... what harm ?
Attachment 100092
Attachment 100092
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 I burglar breaks into a house. He's barely taken two steps when he hears a disembodied voice say..
Scene - the breakfast table.
She (quoting from newspaper) reads,
"It says here that those who avoid alcohol have longer lives."
He: "Serves 'em right."
She (quoting from newspaper) reads,
"It says here that those who avoid alcohol have longer lives."
He: "Serves 'em right."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by nithig Scene - the breakfast table.
She (quoting from newspaper) reads,
"It says here that those who avoid alcohol have longer lives."
He: "Serves 'em right."
She (quoting from newspaper) reads,
"It says here that those who avoid alcohol have longer lives."
He: "Serves 'em right."
Glad you liked it also...
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
The same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
The same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
For all of you cat lovers...
I think this is the old Scot's brother.
On the PA system:
'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have husband down.'
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
Attachment 100571
'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have husband down.'
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
Attachment 100571
Guarantees
The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled. "Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."
The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled. "Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by smsff7 Guarantees
The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled.
"Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."
The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled.
"Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."
This year's Darwin nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip.. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip.. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
---
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
---
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
---
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
---
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust'
And then the fight started..
---
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
---
I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started�
---
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
---
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
---
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
---
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
---
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust'
And then the fight started..
---
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
---
I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started�
---
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
The Darwin Award can't be given to both of them. Only one was removed from the gene pool, not both
just received from a friend in the US
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Maxine
After thinking about the upcoming Universal Health Care Program, I think I have found the solution.
I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore..
You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
So here is the solution.
When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives.
Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?
Well bring it on.
And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.
With all the seniors gathered there , it will be just like a nursing home-- only free.
And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Maxine This could definitely be a solution and then we would also be with all of our friends in the same boat.Universal Health Care = The Solution:
After thinking about the upcoming Universal Health Care Program, I think I have found the solution.
I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore..
You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
So here is the solution.
When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives.
Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?
Well bring it on.
And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.
With all the seniors gathered there , it will be just like a nursing home-- only free.
And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.
It would be funny if it weren't so true!
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