Mike,
I am a slooooooooooooooooooowwww readdddddddddderrrrrrrrrrrr!
Comprehension is not much better.
I posted that joke just for you as a reminder that I am doing my share to cut back...
Are you???? hehehhe
I am a slooooooooooooooooooowwww readdddddddddderrrrrrrrrrrr!
Comprehension is not much better.
I posted that joke just for you as a reminder that I am doing my share to cut back...
Are you???? hehehhe
OLE Fills In
A doctor in Nor' Dakota wanted to getoff work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care ofthree patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave himMAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and liesdown on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,what did you do?' asks the doctor.
LPt
Taking lessons from Pebbly I see.
A man is in the doctor's office for a check up. After completing a series of tests the doctor says, I have some good news and some bad news. A little worried the man says well tell me the bad news. The doctor says you have terminal cancer and I estimate only about 3 weeks to live. Completely devastated the man asks so what is the good news? The doctor leans toward him and says you see that young lady? pointing to his receptionist. The man says yes, what about her? The doctor smiles and says I'm banging her.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by iseeuu 
The weather here is never boring!
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Really ?", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Really ?", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
Don't tell me you're still 27, Kathryn.
Pebbly is really struggling to find good jokes....This one is older than I am.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf Don't tell me you're still 27, Kathryn.
Here is one that the woman I used to work with told me.
WARNING: Contains theme's of an adult nature.
Three sailors are on shore leave, as they have a little money in their pockets, they decide to go to a brothel. Before long they find one that looks good, the sign outside says "�1 per inch."
So, the first sailor goes in to try it out, when he comes out his friends ask "So, was it good? how much did you pay?"
The sailor replies "�6"
Deciding that this is a good deal, the 2nd sailor goes in, when he comes out his friends say to him "How much did you pay then?"
"�7" he replies.
So, the third sailor goes in, when he comes out and they ask him how much he paid he replies "�3".
The 1st sailor exclaims "What? Hang on, I paid �6, he paid �7, how did you get away with only paying �3?"
The 3rd sailor replies, "Well I'm not stupid, I paid afterwards"
WARNING: Contains theme's of an adult nature.
Three sailors are on shore leave, as they have a little money in their pockets, they decide to go to a brothel. Before long they find one that looks good, the sign outside says "�1 per inch."
So, the first sailor goes in to try it out, when he comes out his friends ask "So, was it good? how much did you pay?"
The sailor replies "�6"
Deciding that this is a good deal, the 2nd sailor goes in, when he comes out his friends say to him "How much did you pay then?"
"�7" he replies.
So, the third sailor goes in, when he comes out and they ask him how much he paid he replies "�3".
The 1st sailor exclaims "What? Hang on, I paid �6, he paid �7, how did you get away with only paying �3?"
The 3rd sailor replies, "Well I'm not stupid, I paid afterwards"
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Excellent Miss K.
It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with
one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease
the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She
does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try
lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage
door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with
one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease
the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She
does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try
lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage
door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
LMAO that's a good one!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
You're truly back on top form, Kathryn.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with
one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease
the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She
does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try
lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage
door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with
one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease
the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She
does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try
lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage
door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
thankyou
danny,
Any day above ground is a great day so you couldn't be having a bad one!!
Any day above ground is a great day so you couldn't be having a bad one!!
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He
tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence
returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is
watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again.
He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner,
he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the
parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the
parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:
"What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for
a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The
parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rotweiller Jesus."
tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence
returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is
watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again.
He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner,
he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the
parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the
parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:
"What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for
a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The
parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rotweiller Jesus."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves danny,
Any day above ground is a great day so you couldn't be having a bad one!!
Any day above ground is a great day so you couldn't be having a bad one!!
Danny
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly ..."Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
A guy goes into the bedroom and hands his wife a glass of water and two aspirin. She looks at him in confusion and says "I didn't ask for these and I don't need them?"
The guy says "In that case..."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with
one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease
the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She
does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try
lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage
door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with
one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease
the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She
does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try
lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage
door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
this is a riot !!!. love it .
To golf or not to golf that is the question...
> In 1923, Who Was:
>
> 1. President of the largest steel company?
> 2.. President of the largest gas company?
> 3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
> 4. Greatest wheat speculator?
> 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
> 6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
>
>
>
> These men were considered some of the worlds most
> successful of their days.
>
> Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know
> what ultimately became
> of them..
>
>
> The Answers:
>
> 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles
> Schwab,
> died a pauper.
>
>
> 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward
> Hopson,
> went insane.
>
> 3. The president of the NYSE,
> Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
>
> 4. The greatest wheat speculator,
> Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
>
> 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
> shot himself.
>
> 6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
> Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
>
> However,
> in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner
> of the most important
> golf tournament,
> the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
>
> What became of him?
>
> He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of
> 95. He was
> financially secure at the time of his death.
>
> The Moral:
> Screw work.
> Play golf.
> In 1923, Who Was:
>
> 1. President of the largest steel company?
> 2.. President of the largest gas company?
> 3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
> 4. Greatest wheat speculator?
> 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
> 6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
>
>
>
> These men were considered some of the worlds most
> successful of their days.
>
> Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know
> what ultimately became
> of them..
>
>
> The Answers:
>
> 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles
> Schwab,
> died a pauper.
>
>
> 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward
> Hopson,
> went insane.
>
> 3. The president of the NYSE,
> Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
>
> 4. The greatest wheat speculator,
> Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
>
> 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
> shot himself.
>
> 6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
> Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
>
> However,
> in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner
> of the most important
> golf tournament,
> the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
>
> What became of him?
>
> He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of
> 95. He was
> financially secure at the time of his death.
>
> The Moral:
> Screw work.
> Play golf.
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
There's no doubt about it, I'm getting old.
The other day I was walking into the market and there was this lovely young lady standing there. I mean she was HOT!
And I started wondering...."I wonder what her Mom looks like?"
The other day I was walking into the market and there was this lovely young lady standing there. I mean she was HOT!
And I started wondering...."I wonder what her Mom looks like?"
The problem women have with men is not that we are not listening. Women are not usually very clear.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like tohave for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my dress size, you f---ing retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like tohave for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my dress size, you f---ing retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 There's no doubt about it, I'm getting old.
The other day I was walking into the market and there was this lovely young lady standing there. I mean she was HOT!
And I started wondering...."I wonder what her Mom looks like?"
The other day I was walking into the market and there was this lovely young lady standing there. I mean she was HOT!
And I started wondering...."I wonder what her Mom looks like?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp �� Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 There's no doubt about it, I'm getting old.
The other day I was walking into the market and there was this lovely young lady standing there. I mean she was HOT!
And I started wondering...."I wonder what her Mom looks like?"
The other day I was walking into the market and there was this lovely young lady standing there. I mean she was HOT!
And I started wondering...."I wonder what her Mom looks like?"
About 35 the below started becoming reality.
At some point in life you realize that you are old enough to be the younger females father you go uggghh!!!
Other words actually but I'll keep it clean.
Just imagine one of them really calling you Daddy it returns you to reality and brings you to the fact your just an old phart!
Getting older is great and sucks at the same time!
Life is the best joke of all!!!
Mike
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X ...At some point in life you realize that you are old enough to be the younger females father you go uggghh!!!
Other words actually but I'll keep it clean.
Just imagine one of them really calling you Daddy it returns you to reality and brings you to the fact your just an old phart!...
Other words actually but I'll keep it clean.
Just imagine one of them really calling you Daddy it returns you to reality and brings you to the fact your just an old phart!...
But after she kept complimenting me on my workout and acting all impressed and whatnot I must admit that my ego started echoing her every word and I started to get impressed with myself just a little more than is healthy.
Trying to make conversation, I asked her what had made her decide to interview an old guy like me. Her answer was that I reminded her of her dad...
Oh, well - at least I got my picture in the paper:
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
Pebbly,Going to ask PooMankUK to add
to you sig permanently!! �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
Gets my seal of approval.
Also the
approve! �� Quote: Originally Posted by andsome SNOPES re: Lighthouse
�� Quote: Originally Posted by kronckew �� Quote: Originally Posted by andsome SNOPES re: Lighthouse
Kari
A woman had been married to her husband for 10 years and had always wondered about his peculiar habit. Whenever they had sex, he always insisted they do it in total darkness. This began to eat on her nerves over the years, so finally she decided to see what was going on.
That night, as they were about to have sex, she flipped on the light, and there was her husband, holding a cucumber between his legs.
"What the hell are you doing?" she yelled. "You mean for all these years you've been using one of those whenever we have sex????"
"Well....yes" admitted the husband sheepishly.
"You sneaky, no good SOB!!!" she screamed. "I just can't believe this!"
The husband looked at her calmly and said "Speaking of sneaky....how do you explain our 3 kids???"
That night, as they were about to have sex, she flipped on the light, and there was her husband, holding a cucumber between his legs.
"What the hell are you doing?" she yelled. "You mean for all these years you've been using one of those whenever we have sex????"
"Well....yes" admitted the husband sheepishly.
"You sneaky, no good SOB!!!" she screamed. "I just can't believe this!"
The husband looked at her calmly and said "Speaking of sneaky....how do you explain our 3 kids???"
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
"In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
and this my friends is why Pebbly was angry when she left the counselors office!
and this my friends is why Pebbly was angry when she left the counselors office!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
and this my friends is why Pebbly was angry when she left the counselors office!
Attachment 138384
and this my friends is why Pebbly was angry when she left the counselors office!
Attachment 138384
very good THW �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
and this my friends is why Pebbly was angry when she left the counselors office!
Attachment 138384
and this my friends is why Pebbly was angry when she left the counselors office!
Attachment 138384
very good THW
Since we seem to be telling all the naughty ones...
This guy comes home and catches his wife in bed with the next-door-neighbor. Furious, he shouts "Just what in the heck is going on here?!!!"
His wife looks at her lover and says "See, I told you he was stupid."
This guy comes home and catches his wife in bed with the next-door-neighbor. Furious, he shouts "Just what in the heck is going on here?!!!"
His wife looks at her lover and says "See, I told you he was stupid."
you crack me up prof
Just what I needed today ... a good belly laugh!
Thanks guys!
The only joke I can think of is one my granddaughter told me (she's 4).
Will you remember me tomorrow? Yes of course I will.
Will you remember me next week? Yes of course I will.
Will you remember me next month? Yes of course I will.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Oh ... you've forgotten me already!
Thanks guys!
The only joke I can think of is one my granddaughter told me (she's 4).
Will you remember me tomorrow? Yes of course I will.
Will you remember me next week? Yes of course I will.
Will you remember me next month? Yes of course I will.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Oh ... you've forgotten me already!
SPANK YES or NO You will love this!
.Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. The mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while, baby brother was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom and the baby let out a cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"
.Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. The mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while, baby brother was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom and the baby let out a cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
A young man got onto a bus and took a seat beside a most beautiful redhead.
"Hi", he said as he sat down.
"Hello", she replied, "It's a nice day, isn't it? I saw my psychiatrist today and he said that I had a problem."
"What sort of problem?", asked the young man.
"I can't tell you", replied the beautiful young thing. "I don't even know you."
"Well, sometimes it's good to talk over your problems with a perfect stranger", he replied.
"Well", she said, "my psychiatrist said that I'm a nymphomaniac who only likes to have sex with Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Shirley."
"Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."
"Hi", he said as he sat down.
"Hello", she replied, "It's a nice day, isn't it? I saw my psychiatrist today and he said that I had a problem."
"What sort of problem?", asked the young man.
"I can't tell you", replied the beautiful young thing. "I don't even know you."
"Well, sometimes it's good to talk over your problems with a perfect stranger", he replied.
"Well", she said, "my psychiatrist said that I'm a nymphomaniac who only likes to have sex with Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Shirley."
"Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by beauparc A young man got onto a bus and took a seat beside a most beautiful redhead.
"Hi", he said as he sat down.
"Hello", she replied, "It's a nice day, isn't it? I saw my psychiatrist today and he said that I had a problem."
"What sort of problem?", asked the young man.
"I can't tell you", replied the beautiful young thing. "I don't even know you."
"Well, sometimes it's good to talk over your problems with a perfect stranger", he replied.
"Well", she said, "my psychiatrist said that I'm a nymphomaniac who only likes to have sex with Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Shirley."
"Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."
"Hi", he said as he sat down.
"Hello", she replied, "It's a nice day, isn't it? I saw my psychiatrist today and he said that I had a problem."
"What sort of problem?", asked the young man.
"I can't tell you", replied the beautiful young thing. "I don't even know you."
"Well, sometimes it's good to talk over your problems with a perfect stranger", he replied.
"Well", she said, "my psychiatrist said that I'm a nymphomaniac who only likes to have sex with Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Shirley."
"Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by beauparc A young man got onto a bus and took a seat beside a most beautiful redhead.
"Hi", he said as he sat down.
"Hello", she replied, "It's a nice day, isn't it? I saw my psychiatrist today and he said that I had a problem."
"What sort of problem?", asked the young man.
"I can't tell you", replied the beautiful young thing. "I don't even know you."
"Well, sometimes it's good to talk over your problems with a perfect stranger", he replied.
"Well", she said, "my psychiatrist said that I'm a nymphomaniac who only likes to have sex with Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Shirley."
"Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."
"Hi", he said as he sat down.
"Hello", she replied, "It's a nice day, isn't it? I saw my psychiatrist today and he said that I had a problem."
"What sort of problem?", asked the young man.
"I can't tell you", replied the beautiful young thing. "I don't even know you."
"Well, sometimes it's good to talk over your problems with a perfect stranger", he replied.
"Well", she said, "my psychiatrist said that I'm a nymphomaniac who only likes to have sex with Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Shirley."
"Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."
When I saw that guess who I thought of?
My name's Hopalong Goldberg and I ride a big white horse! hehehe
�� Quote: Originally Posted by beauparc "Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Someone call????
The Pastor's Ass
Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to getrid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she Sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is ....
Being concerned about public opinion can
Bring you much grief and misery.. It can even shorten your life...
..So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to getrid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she Sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is ....
Being concerned about public opinion can
Bring you much grief and misery.. It can even shorten your life...
..So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It�s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."
Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I�d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It�d be so great. When I�m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It�d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."
Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn�t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.
"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What�s left here?"
"Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
"It�s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."
Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I�d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It�d be so great. When I�m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It�d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."
Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn�t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.
"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What�s left here?"
"Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by beauparc Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It�s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."
Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I�d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It�d be so great. When I�m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It�d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."
Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn�t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.
"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What�s left here?"
"Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
"It�s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."
Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I�d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It�d be so great. When I�m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It�d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."
Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn�t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.
"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What�s left here?"
"Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
Eve had red hair and liked Jewish cowboys named Hopalong Goldberg!
Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!
Doesn't this look like jfar?
Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!
Doesn't this look like jfar?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!
(Got the cd)
Hee Haw! Click to read the pic. Sorry it wouldn't paste the first upload.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Hee Haw! Click to read the pic. Sorry it wouldn't paste the first upload.
Sorry Dennis. I didn't mean to make you cry!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Hee Haw!...
Yes Mike, all relatives......kissin kuzzins!
Who knows ...we may be related.
Who knows ...we may be related.
Sorry Dennis I couldn't resist! 
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story ....
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"
And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having
to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -
for insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates,
who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)
And that is how it all began.
Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!!
Josh
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story ....
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"
And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having
to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -
for insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates,
who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)
And that is how it all began.
Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!!
Josh
Man attacked by iTeedOffWife.
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.
September came so for my wife�s birthday, I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started....
What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I am in recovery now and am predicted to be out of the hospital in 3 to 4 weeks...iHurt
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.
September came so for my wife�s birthday, I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started....
What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I am in recovery now and am predicted to be out of the hospital in 3 to 4 weeks...iHurt
Needed app when dating....
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
.........
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and as they are - THE - seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and
says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting......."Dopey
screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and
says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting......."Dopey
screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and as they are - THE - seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and
says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting......."Dopey
screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and
says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting......."Dopey
screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
Olmost feel of my chair A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him
out of 10 million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place.
It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to
testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks
is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is..
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says,
"Ask him again !"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win ! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say ?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
out of 10 million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place.
It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to
testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks
is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is..
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says,
"Ask him again !"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win ! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say ?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
There were 7 dwarves in a room feeling happy.
So Happy left.
So Happy left.
John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a
10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets
weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat
with his best friend, Al.
Al agreed to come over to John's house and live with his mom for
the duration of the cruise. John told Al, "Just feed the cat three
meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning
cat!" And with that, he left.
The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, "How are
things?" To which Al responded, "Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up.
Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's DEAD."
"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die?
It was my prize cat!"
"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see
it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof,
fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road,
and got run over."
John was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you
have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it
bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on
the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and
broke its leg', see what I'm saying."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."
"Ok... bye." John hung up.
The next day, John phoned Al again.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."
10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets
weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat
with his best friend, Al.
Al agreed to come over to John's house and live with his mom for
the duration of the cruise. John told Al, "Just feed the cat three
meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning
cat!" And with that, he left.
The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, "How are
things?" To which Al responded, "Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up.
Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's DEAD."
"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die?
It was my prize cat!"
"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see
it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof,
fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road,
and got run over."
John was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you
have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it
bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on
the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and
broke its leg', see what I'm saying."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."
"Ok... bye." John hung up.
The next day, John phoned Al again.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to
do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117
and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home
early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it
go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117
and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home
early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it
go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'
He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a hamburger?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken ..
He declines again . .. . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.' . . . . .
'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a hamburger?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken ..
He declines again . .. . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.' . . . . .
'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
A 7-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?," says the 7-year old, "I think it's about time we
start swearing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say hell, and you say
ass, ok?" "Ok." the 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year old what he wants
for breakfast.
"Aw, hell, mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 4-year old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it wont be Cheerios."
"You know what?," says the 7-year old, "I think it's about time we
start swearing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say hell, and you say
ass, ok?" "Ok." the 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year old what he wants
for breakfast.
"Aw, hell, mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 4-year old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it wont be Cheerios."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A 7-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?," says the 7-year old, "I think it's about time we
start swearing...
"You know what?," says the 7-year old, "I think it's about time we
start swearing...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly "but you can bet your ass it wont be Cheerios."
That is just tooo funny.
I had to send that to my brother, sister and cousin. LOL
That was a good one Pebbly!! +1
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the f******* ship?"
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the f******* ship?"
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, �She also stole a can of peas.�
When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, �She also stole a can of peas.�
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly The husband said, �She also stole a can of peas.�
He should have told them she stoled a 5# bag of rice......
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves He should have told them she stoled a 5# bag of rice......
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too.
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Are you sure it wasn't cayenne pepper!
She may be on to something. May try this on my next outing!!!
She may be on to something. May try this on my next outing!!!
An old woman is walking down the street dragging two sacks behind her. One of them is spilling out 20 dollar bills.
A cop walks up to her and says "Mam, are you aware you're loosing money out of your sack?"
"Oh thank you sonny..." says the old woman and starts to scoop up the loose 20's.
The cop says "If you don't mind me asking, could you tell me where you got all that money from?"
The old woman says "Why sure. See, I live right up against the ball park and sometimes the men waiting in line can't hold it anymore, so they stick "it" through the holes in my fence. I put my pruning shears up to "it" and tell them "You owe me $20 for messin' up my rose garden. Pay up or I'll lop it off!"
The cop laughs and says "Well now, sounds like you have quite a business going on there. I mean you have two sacks of money".
The old lady says "Oh, there's only one sack of money. See...not all of em pays up."
A cop walks up to her and says "Mam, are you aware you're loosing money out of your sack?"
"Oh thank you sonny..." says the old woman and starts to scoop up the loose 20's.
The cop says "If you don't mind me asking, could you tell me where you got all that money from?"
The old woman says "Why sure. See, I live right up against the ball park and sometimes the men waiting in line can't hold it anymore, so they stick "it" through the holes in my fence. I put my pruning shears up to "it" and tell them "You owe me $20 for messin' up my rose garden. Pay up or I'll lop it off!"
The cop laughs and says "Well now, sounds like you have quite a business going on there. I mean you have two sacks of money".
The old lady says "Oh, there's only one sack of money. See...not all of em pays up."
Ouch!!!!
If I could only find that bag and have it sewn back on!
If I could only find that bag and have it sewn back on!
Don't eat the Texas jalapenos!
Singed the hair right off my Avatar!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
That was a G1 Thanks A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid �� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
HAHAHAHA
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
Source:3jokes.com
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
Source:3jokes.com
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Source: 3jokes
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Source: 3jokes
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said:
"Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, "Who was our first president?", and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put "George Washington", and so did you.
So, everyone knows that he was the first president. Well, just wait a minute, said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, "Who freed the slaves?" Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.
Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that, said Johnny. Wait, wait, said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, "Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?" Mary put "I don't know", and you put, "Me neither"
Source: Same
"Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, "Who was our first president?", and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put "George Washington", and so did you.
So, everyone knows that he was the first president. Well, just wait a minute, said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, "Who freed the slaves?" Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.
Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that, said Johnny. Wait, wait, said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, "Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?" Mary put "I don't know", and you put, "Me neither"
Source: Same
�� Quote: Originally Posted by mafhh Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Source: 3jokes
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Source: 3jokes
It was 2 guys on safari and a lion.
Originally told by Billy Connolley, I believe...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden �� Quote: Originally Posted by mafhh Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Source: 3jokes
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Source: 3jokes
It was 2 guys on safari and a lion.
Originally told by Billy Connolley, I believe...
Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
Science and mathematics
Hypothesis - Females require Time and Money
Females = Time + Money
Time = Money
Females = Money + Money
Money = Evil
Females = Evil + Evil
Theory- Females are 2 (too) Evil
Just kidding ladies of the forum!
Females = Time + Money
Time = Money
Females = Money + Money
Money = Evil
Females = Evil + Evil
Theory- Females are 2 (too) Evil
Just kidding ladies of the forum!
I like EVIL women!!!
they don't like me as I have NO Money!!
they don't like me as I have NO Money!! Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: �Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?�
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn�t know what �honest� meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn�t know what �shortage� meant.
3. In Africa they didn�t know what �food� meant.
4. In China they didn�t know what �opinion� meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn�t know what �solution� meant.
6. In South America they didn�t know what �please� meant.
7. In the USA they didn�t know what �the rest of the world� meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
The only question asked was: �Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?�
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn�t know what �honest� meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn�t know what �shortage� meant.
3. In Africa they didn�t know what �food� meant.
4. In China they didn�t know what �opinion� meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn�t know what �solution� meant.
6. In South America they didn�t know what �please� meant.
7. In the USA they didn�t know what �the rest of the world� meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
Greenie Revenge
The chief woman �Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist�, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, �What took you so long?�
�Well...� replied the doctor, �I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove �old growth timber� from a �recreational area� . . . I�m sorry but they all turned me down.�
The chief woman �Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist�, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, �What took you so long?�
�Well...� replied the doctor, �I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove �old growth timber� from a �recreational area� . . . I�m sorry but they all turned me down.�
Have you seen this: Jokes Thread 2
Mods can you pls move to chillout room...linked to this page by mistake
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari Have you seen this: Jokes Thread 2
The last point has nothing to do with the question. Looks more like arrogance!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dinesh The last point has nothing to do with the question. Looks more like arrogance!!!
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!"
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!"
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next
to an American on an overseas flight. After a
few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning
she made me delicious crepes, and she told
me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"
the Italian responded, "and this morning she
made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the
Frenchman smugly asked "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
to an American on an overseas flight. After a
few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning
she made me delicious crepes, and she told
me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"
the Italian responded, "and this morning she
made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the
Frenchman smugly asked "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Excellent Pebbly!
Reality.
The evening before when each husband persued his wife the wife gave them that special loving glance
and said "Don't start"!
Reality.The evening before when each husband persued his wife the wife gave them that special loving glance
and said "Don't start"! �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next
to an American on an overseas flight. After a
few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning
she made me delicious crepes, and she told
me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"
the Italian responded, "and this morning she
made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the
Frenchman smugly asked "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
to an American on an overseas flight. After a
few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning
she made me delicious crepes, and she told
me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"
the Italian responded, "and this morning she
made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the
Frenchman smugly asked "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next
to an American on an overseas flight. After a
few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning
she made me delicious crepes, and she told
me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"
the Italian responded, "and this morning she
made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the
Frenchman smugly asked "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
to an American on an overseas flight. After a
few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning
she made me delicious crepes, and she told
me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"
the Italian responded, "and this morning she
made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the
Frenchman smugly asked "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
The same American once arrived in Florence, Italy. He stepped out of the plane and started laughing, pointing the big sign saying Aeroporto di Firenze over the airport terminal and telling his co-passengers: "Look, no wonder the Italian economy is what it is. They are almost illiterate, can't even spell two simple words like Florence and Airport!".
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "
Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
Ray Jackson
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
Ray Jackson
Pebbly you are in the mood today! I have coffee once again around my desk, can't stop laughing!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari Pebbly you are in the mood today! I have coffee once again around my desk, can't stop laughing!
All I can say Members is.........................LOOKOUT!
PEBBLY IS ON A ROLL....again.
PEBBLY IS ON A ROLL....again.
Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. boobs out to here, Mike. boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...boobs out to here, Mike. boobs out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... boobs WAY out to here, Mike. boobs WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her boobs and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. boobs out to here, Mike. boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...boobs out to here, Mike. boobs out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... boobs WAY out to here, Mike. boobs WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her boobs and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
I accidentally dropped a box of maltesers when I was at weight watchers...
It was like watching real life hungy hungy hippos...
It was like watching real life hungy hungy hippos...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Orbital Shark I accidentally dropped a box of maltesers when I was at weight watchers...
It was like watching real life hungy hungy hippos...
It was like watching real life hungy hungy hippos...
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
With apologies to Kathryn, here's a different take on that boats and boobs joke.
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sat in a bar drowning their sorrows. It had seemed a long time since any of them had seen any boobs, let alone had any chance of fondling any.
Last orders soon came, and Paddy turned to Fred and Jock and said "I'll see you down by the harbour tomorrow morning. I have a feeling that if we're cleaning our boats, our luck will change."
The friends agreed, and so the next morning they were down at the harbour cleaning their boats. Whilst they were doing so, who should come by but 3 very buxom girls who were very well endowed on the upper part of their bodies.
The redhead walked upto Paddy and said "Can I have a ride in your boat?" Paddy replied "Sure. Climb aboard."
Next, the blonde went upto Fred and asked the same thing. Again Fred replied "Sure. Climb aboard."
Finally, the brunette approached Jock and once again asked the same question, to which Jock replied in the same way as Paddy and Fred had done previously.
The following day, Paddy and Fred met up again at the bar. Each had a huge smile on their faces. They told each other what had happened when they went out in their boat. "It was like this, we went out for miles and miles and then I killed the engine. I then turned to her and said 'It's either screw or swim!' And then she said 'I can't swim!'"
A short while later, Jock ambled in with an awkward gait. He looked sad, and had tears running down his face. Paddy and Fred told him how they had got on, and then asked him what had happened to him. Jock replied "I took her out in the boat, miles and miles out to sea." Paddy said "Go on, go on." Jock continued "I then killed the engine and said 'It's either screw or swim!'" Fred said "Well, what happened next?" With a tear in his eye, Jock continued "She pulled down her pants and.... She had a pecker, a great BIG pecker.... and I can't swim!"
Fred went over to Jock, put his arms around his shoulders and said "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you'll be feeling better soon."
Jock thanked Fred for his comforting words and then turned to Paddy. "Well, don't you have something to say to comfort me?" he said.
Paddy thought for a moment. Being Irish, it was more of a mo than a moment, but then he said "You shouldn't have been wearing that dress, Jock. You shouldn't have been wearing that dress."
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sat in a bar drowning their sorrows. It had seemed a long time since any of them had seen any boobs, let alone had any chance of fondling any.
Last orders soon came, and Paddy turned to Fred and Jock and said "I'll see you down by the harbour tomorrow morning. I have a feeling that if we're cleaning our boats, our luck will change."
The friends agreed, and so the next morning they were down at the harbour cleaning their boats. Whilst they were doing so, who should come by but 3 very buxom girls who were very well endowed on the upper part of their bodies.
The redhead walked upto Paddy and said "Can I have a ride in your boat?" Paddy replied "Sure. Climb aboard."
Next, the blonde went upto Fred and asked the same thing. Again Fred replied "Sure. Climb aboard."
Finally, the brunette approached Jock and once again asked the same question, to which Jock replied in the same way as Paddy and Fred had done previously.
The following day, Paddy and Fred met up again at the bar. Each had a huge smile on their faces. They told each other what had happened when they went out in their boat. "It was like this, we went out for miles and miles and then I killed the engine. I then turned to her and said 'It's either screw or swim!' And then she said 'I can't swim!'"
A short while later, Jock ambled in with an awkward gait. He looked sad, and had tears running down his face. Paddy and Fred told him how they had got on, and then asked him what had happened to him. Jock replied "I took her out in the boat, miles and miles out to sea." Paddy said "Go on, go on." Jock continued "I then killed the engine and said 'It's either screw or swim!'" Fred said "Well, what happened next?" With a tear in his eye, Jock continued "She pulled down her pants and.... She had a pecker, a great BIG pecker.... and I can't swim!"
Fred went over to Jock, put his arms around his shoulders and said "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you'll be feeling better soon."
Jock thanked Fred for his comforting words and then turned to Paddy. "Well, don't you have something to say to comfort me?" he said.
Paddy thought for a moment. Being Irish, it was more of a mo than a moment, but then he said "You shouldn't have been wearing that dress, Jock. You shouldn't have been wearing that dress."
Paddy thought for a moment. Being Irish, it was more of a mo than a moment, but then he said "You shouldn't have been wearing that dress, Jock. You shouldn't have been wearing that dress."
Very good ending Dwarf
Very good ending Dwarf
I had to get it down whilst I still had the idea in my mind.
Is there room on your naughty step for both of us?
Is there room on your naughty step for both of us?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf I had to get it down whilst I still had the idea in my mind.
Is there room on your naughty step for both of us?
Is there room on your naughty step for both of us?
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
I'll try to join the club. Here's my application:
When I still was both young and hansom (now I'm only and), I was driving around the Finnish countryside with my first girlfriend. Just before dusk I thought if we could find a country hotel I might get lucky, but then I realized I had no condoms.
We came in to a small village and I saw the traditional sign of a drugstore. I stopped and went in, asking an elderly lady behind the counter if I could have some condoms. She gave me a pack of regular ones but I told her I need something bigger. She looked at me, took another pack and showed it to me. "These are extra large", she said. I told her politely that I knew this label to be too small.
"I think it's better you show me the thing, there's no other way I can find a right size for you", said the lady. I thought it's OK, so I pulled my pants down for her to have a look. "Just a moment, I have to talk with my sister", she said and went to back room, returning in a moment with another older lady.
"Do you have something to offer?", I asked.
The ladies whispered a minute or two with each other. Then first of them came closer, looked my manhood one more time, and said:
"5,000 Mark a month, a Mercedes, a company credit card and a four week yearly holiday!"
Kari
When I still was both young and hansom (now I'm only and), I was driving around the Finnish countryside with my first girlfriend. Just before dusk I thought if we could find a country hotel I might get lucky, but then I realized I had no condoms.
We came in to a small village and I saw the traditional sign of a drugstore. I stopped and went in, asking an elderly lady behind the counter if I could have some condoms. She gave me a pack of regular ones but I told her I need something bigger. She looked at me, took another pack and showed it to me. "These are extra large", she said. I told her politely that I knew this label to be too small.
"I think it's better you show me the thing, there's no other way I can find a right size for you", said the lady. I thought it's OK, so I pulled my pants down for her to have a look. "Just a moment, I have to talk with my sister", she said and went to back room, returning in a moment with another older lady.
"Do you have something to offer?", I asked.
The ladies whispered a minute or two with each other. Then first of them came closer, looked my manhood one more time, and said:
"5,000 Mark a month, a Mercedes, a company credit card and a four week yearly holiday!"
Kari
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari I'll try to join the club. Here's my application:
When I still was both young and hansom (now I'm only and), I was driving around the Finnish countryside with my first girlfriend. Just before dusk I thought if we find a country hotel I might get lucky, but then I realized I had no condoms.
We came in to a small village and I saw the traditional sign of a drugstore. I stopped and went in, asking an elderly lady behind the counter if I could have some condoms. She gave me a pack of regular ones but I told her I need something bigger. She looked at me, took another pack and showed it to me. "These are extra large", she said. I told her politely that I knew this label to be too small.
"I think it's better you show me the thing, there's no other way I can find a right size for you", said the lady. I thought it's OK, so I pulled my pants down for her to have a look. "Just a moment, I have to talk with my sister", she said and went to back room, returning in a moment with another older lady.
"Do you have something to offer?", I asked.
The ladies whispered a minute or two with each other. Then first of them came closer, looked my manhood one more time, and said:
"5,000 Mark a month, a Mercedes, a company credit card and a four week yearly holiday!"
Kari
When I still was both young and hansom (now I'm only and), I was driving around the Finnish countryside with my first girlfriend. Just before dusk I thought if we find a country hotel I might get lucky, but then I realized I had no condoms.
We came in to a small village and I saw the traditional sign of a drugstore. I stopped and went in, asking an elderly lady behind the counter if I could have some condoms. She gave me a pack of regular ones but I told her I need something bigger. She looked at me, took another pack and showed it to me. "These are extra large", she said. I told her politely that I knew this label to be too small.
"I think it's better you show me the thing, there's no other way I can find a right size for you", said the lady. I thought it's OK, so I pulled my pants down for her to have a look. "Just a moment, I have to talk with my sister", she said and went to back room, returning in a moment with another older lady.
"Do you have something to offer?", I asked.
The ladies whispered a minute or two with each other. Then first of them came closer, looked my manhood one more time, and said:
"5,000 Mark a month, a Mercedes, a company credit card and a four week yearly holiday!"
Kari
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. .." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. .." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance.
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch."
"It's been in my family for six generations. �He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance.
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch."
"It's been in my family for six generations. �He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
Deja vu...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden Deja vu...
Would you repeat that?
Sorry. Don't get it. What did you say?
Sorry I didn't hear you as I was getting my loan approved......
Mortgage your home and get a tank of petrol!
New Glasses :
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of
eyeglasses that she had purchased for her
husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my
husband, He's still not seeing things my way."
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of
eyeglasses that she had purchased for her
husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my
husband, He's still not seeing things my way."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 New Glasses :
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of
eyeglasses that she had purchased for her
husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my
husband, He's still not seeing things my way."
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of
eyeglasses that she had purchased for her
husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my
husband, He's still not seeing things my way."
LPt,
He probably never will......
Try a little harder to please.. ..lol.. that works most of the time.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 New Glasses :
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of
eyeglasses that she had purchased for her
husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my
husband, He's still not seeing things my way."
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of
eyeglasses that she had purchased for her
husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my
husband, He's still not seeing things my way."
boogie hi.... your Sig is great.. happy Saturday.. Enjoy !!!!
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger house so, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn�t want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks),light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man but I don�t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the an to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both physicians couldn�t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count "1...2...3...4...5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.....
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks),light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man but I don�t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the an to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both physicians couldn�t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count "1...2...3...4...5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.....
"Wife / cousin"
Redneck vasectomy. Thanks, Kathryn.
Redneck vasectomy
. Thanks, Kathryn. �� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari "Wife / cousin"
Redneck vasectomy. Thanks, Kathryn.
Redneck vasectomy
. Thanks, Kathryn.I'd never be able to count to 11 again.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid I'd never be able to count to 11 again.
Redneck Greeting Card:
Quote:
............................................................. ..Happy Anniversary, Uncle Daddy!.. ............................................................. �� Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid �� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari "Wife / cousin"
Redneck vasectomy. Thanks, Kathryn.
Redneck vasectomy
. Thanks, Kathryn.I'd never be able to count to 11 again.
You would never be able to play Blackjack again! 21!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger house so, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin...
A Guy
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his penis in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Quote:
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
That is one of your best.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
If pulling on it did any good there would be a lot less of a market for certain items sold from the back of men's magazines.
Today NASCAR has announced that they will do their part to reduce fuel consumption and emissions from their race cars.
Here is a peek at their 2012 line up of new race cars.
BEEP! BEEP!
Here is a peek at their 2012 line up of new race cars.
BEEP! BEEP! 
Dwarf
Fischer-Price will be a new manufacturer in NASCAR in 2012.
Fischer-Price will be a new manufacturer in NASCAR in 2012.
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese!
Past, Present and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.
What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go ahead. I'll hang around.
Why did the farmer kick the chickens out of his farm?
Because they used fowl language!
What's brown and runs around your garden?
A fence!
Nacho Cheese!
Past, Present and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.
What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go ahead. I'll hang around.
Why did the farmer kick the chickens out of his farm?
Because they used fowl language!
What's brown and runs around your garden?
A fence!
What did the snail that was riding on a turtles back say?
"Wheeeeeee!"
"Wheeeeeee!"
On the Highway a Police Officer stopped a Car and told the Driver that it's "Safe Driving Week" and your Driving properly on track, proper speed and wearing seat belt so you just have won $1000 for this. The Police Officer than asked the Driver what are you going to do with this $1000 prize... The Driver replied "I will get my License with this prize money"... Driver's mother quickly said to the officer "Don't believe him, He's Drunk"... suddenly Driver's Father just woke up who was sleeping on the back seat and said "God Dammit, I knew we wont get much far in a stolen car"... just after few seconds a voice was heard coming from the Trunk of the car "Sir have we reached the Border?".
i love it when that little 'you've got mail' beep comes through and it's not spam,
it's a link to the jokes threads here. that lets me sit catch up on all the good laughs
which have been added since my last visit. yet try as I may I just can't think of any
new jokes myself. so thanks those posting ...
it's a link to the jokes threads here. that lets me sit catch up on all the good laughs
which have been added since my last visit. yet try as I may I just can't think of any
new jokes myself. so thanks those posting ...
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
" Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber Rivercalled Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who f--ked up your hair?"
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
" Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber Rivercalled Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who f--ked up your hair?"
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years
old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good
wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old
secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years
old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like
to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has
an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are both in the same
situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times
than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years
old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good
wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old
secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years
old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like
to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has
an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are both in the same
situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times
than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Right. Time to study to become an assistant tennis coach.
That's the trouble with the world today. All the women my age are chasing after eighteen-year-old assistant tennis coaches...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math ...
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math ...
That's a good one!
and so true...
Don't know if this has been shown here, just got it today.
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"
God replied, "Shit! I didn't recognise you."
A good one, Joan!
Kari
it's the way you tell them, joan!
whot? no st. patrick's day jokes?
to remedy:
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, �I can�t help but think, from listening to you, that you�re from Ireland .�
The other woman responds proudly, �Yes, I sure am!�
The first one says, �So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?
The other woman answers, �I�m from St. John�s , I am.�
The first one responds, �So, am I!! And what street did you live on?�
The other woman says, �A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.�
The first one says, �Faith and it�s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?�
The other woman answers, �Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.�
The first one gets really excited and says, �And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?�
The other woman answers, �Well, now, let�s see. I graduated in 1964.�
The first woman exclaims, �The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.�
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, �It�s going to be a long night tonight.�
Michael asks, �Why do you say that, Brian ?�
Brian answers, �The Murphy twins are drunk again.�
to remedy:
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, �I can�t help but think, from listening to you, that you�re from Ireland .�
The other woman responds proudly, �Yes, I sure am!�
The first one says, �So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?
The other woman answers, �I�m from St. John�s , I am.�
The first one responds, �So, am I!! And what street did you live on?�
The other woman says, �A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.�
The first one says, �Faith and it�s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?�
The other woman answers, �Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.�
The first one gets really excited and says, �And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?�
The other woman answers, �Well, now, let�s see. I graduated in 1964.�
The first woman exclaims, �The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.�
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, �It�s going to be a long night tonight.�
Michael asks, �Why do you say that, Brian ?�
Brian answers, �The Murphy twins are drunk again.�
That is a corker!
Remind me of this one:
A fella goes up to King's Cross asking the working girls where Sheila the Irish one is.
He finds her, asks for the rates the hands over $150.
Well he does this every night for ages.
After almost 20 visits Sheila can't hold her curiosity any more.
'Well" she says, "I can hear from y' accent that yr Irish, where are y' from?"
"Oh" says he, "I'm from north Dublin"
"so am I" she says, "what street?"
"John Delaney Avenue" he says.
"I never" she replies, "so am I, what number?"
"Number 15" he says.
"Well that's right across the road from where m'folks live."
"I know" he says, "they gave me this $3000 to give to yr."
Remind me of this one:
A fella goes up to King's Cross asking the working girls where Sheila the Irish one is.
He finds her, asks for the rates the hands over $150.
Well he does this every night for ages.
After almost 20 visits Sheila can't hold her curiosity any more.
'Well" she says, "I can hear from y' accent that yr Irish, where are y' from?"
"Oh" says he, "I'm from north Dublin"
"so am I" she says, "what street?"
"John Delaney Avenue" he says.
"I never" she replies, "so am I, what number?"
"Number 15" he says.
"Well that's right across the road from where m'folks live."
"I know" he says, "they gave me this $3000 to give to yr."
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared
and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true
heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by
their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true
heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by
their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Just seen this in one of my newsgroups, thought you all might find it amusing.
Political Truth
Political spin at its best.
No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is
FUNNY!
It just all depends on how you look at some things..
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in
southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree..
She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was
hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy
and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing
on the gallows in Montana territory:
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research
is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial
Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by
Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information
about their great-great uncle.
Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the
following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory .
His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883,
he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking
leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player
in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In
1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor
when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL
SPIN
Political Truth
Political spin at its best.
No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is
FUNNY!
It just all depends on how you look at some things..
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in
southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree..
She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was
hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy
and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing
on the gallows in Montana territory:
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research
is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial
Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by
Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information
about their great-great uncle.
Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the
following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory .
His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883,
he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking
leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player
in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In
1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor
when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL
SPIN
Yeee haaaaaw Hang Em High.
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...
"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."
"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...
"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."
The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."
The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
Nice Pebbly, and clean for once, lol
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
A Amish father and son go to a Mall for the first time. Just walking around and looking at so many things that they have never seen before. They were astonished at all the new things they were seeing and could understand most. They were stumped on one such thing. A huge piece of metal against the wall that had a shine to it. Not enough shine to be a mirror. Still puzzled and starring at these shinny big pieces of metal in the wall when a old lady in a wheel chair came up and pushed a button. The two pieces of metal slid out of sight, one to the left and one to the right. They seen a small room; now they were really confused. The old lady went into the small room and the pieces of metal closed the whole in the wall and little light blinked in a numbered way up. The son asked the father what happened. I don't know said the father. Now noticing the numbered light were coming down and the two large metal door like objects sliding again to the open position to the small room there was a beautiful young woman standing there. They were both staring when the father told the son; go get your mother and tell her to hurry.
The Darwins are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger..
The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies..
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...
$15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."
9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained
for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to
a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and
family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant
relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and
hope they remain lost.
*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce.
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger..
The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies..
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...
$15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."
9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained
for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to
a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and
family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant
relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and
hope they remain lost.
*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear A Amish father and son go to a Mall for the first time. Just walking around and looking at so many things that they have never seen before. They were astonished at all the new things they were seeing and could understand most. They were stumped on one such thing. A huge piece of metal against the wall that had a shine to it. Not enough shine to be a mirror. Still puzzled and starring at these shinny big pieces of metal in the wall when a old lady in a wheel chair came up and pushed a button. The two pieces of metal slid out of sight, one to the left and one to the right. They seen a small room; now they were really confused. The old lady went into the small room and the pieces of metal closed the whole in the wall and little light blinked in a numbered way up. The son asked the father what happened. I don't know said the father. Now noticing the numbered light were coming down and the two large metal door like objects sliding again to the open position to the small room there was a beautiful young woman standing there. They were both staring when the father told the son; go get your mother and tell her to hurry.
Guess this is the same with pics.
(No insult intended to anyone in the pics)
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number� and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
Two Crocodiles were sitting on the edge of the harbour in Sydney ......
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'What have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Up in the parking lot by Parliament House.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch 'em?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'What have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Up in the parking lot by Parliament House.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch 'em?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.
Hahaha graet Bright Blesings, and so very true too.
Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question..
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1.. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Shooting Guns, Muscle Cars, Football or Hockey.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Been nice knowing you, Hopalong.
I figured it would go over big.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X I figured it would go over big.
(Hey, it's the Joke Thread, right?)
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
A Guy
Pebbly will probably send the "Joke Police" after me for that one.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Pebbly will probably send the "Joke Police" after me for that one.
We can only have ONE Naughty Girl here, you know.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp Been nice knowing you, Hopalong.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Pebbly will probably send the "Joke Police" after me for that one.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Pebbly will probably send the "Joke Police" after me for that one.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Pebbly will probably send the "Joke Police" after me for that one.
I always have to remember there is a difference in the meanings between the US and the UK English.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Pebbly will probably send the "Joke Police" after me for that one.
I always have to remember there is a difference in the meanings between the US and the UK English.
I was a baaad boy!
Text talk for the older generation.
ATD.............At The Doctors. BFF..............Best Friend Fell. BTW.............Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT............Bring Your Own Teeth....FWIW...........Forgot Where I Was.
GGPBL..........Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.
GHA.............Got Heartburn Again.
IMHAO...........Is My Hearing Aid On.
LMDO...........Laughing My Dentures Out.
OMMR..........On My Massage Recliner.
OMSG .........Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLACGU....Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.
TTYL............Talk To You Louder.
ATD.............At The Doctors. BFF..............Best Friend Fell. BTW.............Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT............Bring Your Own Teeth....FWIW...........Forgot Where I Was.
GGPBL..........Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.
GHA.............Got Heartburn Again.
IMHAO...........Is My Hearing Aid On.
LMDO...........Laughing My Dentures Out.
OMMR..........On My Massage Recliner.
OMSG .........Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLACGU....Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.
TTYL............Talk To You Louder.
Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said
'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future
'Why?Paddy asked.
'Because,said Mick 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday'
Paddy replied'Silly buggers the laugh's on them.
I wasn't home yesterday
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly.....on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly.....on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.
Locker room at a golf club :
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me.. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$98,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..
The wonderful husband turns and asks:
"Anybody know who's phone this is?"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me.. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$98,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..
The wonderful husband turns and asks:
"Anybody know who's phone this is?"
A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to screw you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to screw you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
You have a way with words, Ms K.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to screw you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to screw you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that
when she married she was to please her husband and never
upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the
young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making
love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and she let a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
when she married she was to please her husband and never
upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the
young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making
love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and she let a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
LOL
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that
when she married she was to please her husband and never
upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the
young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making
love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and she let a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
when she married she was to please her husband and never
upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the
young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making
love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and she let a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
Whistle while you work
Hiitler was a jerk
Mussilini bit his wheenie
now it doesn't work!
I take it you're still in residence on the naughty step? Well, move over. Dennis wants to join you!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf I take it you're still in residence on the naughty step? Well, move over. Dennis wants to join you!
First time we have seen the sun in many days. Will need to mow it twice as it is so high that it will clog mower up!
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Jeannine is watching from the kitchen window.
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Jeannine is watching from the kitchen window.
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves ...'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
TACO Bell :
It could happen to any of us...Yes YOU!
This is so funny; I hope you enjoy it.
$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupified. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a woman elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandmother does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my husband met me halfway down the hall. I handed him a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!
It could happen to any of us...Yes YOU!
This is so funny; I hope you enjoy it.
$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupified. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a woman elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandmother does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my husband met me halfway down the hall. I handed him a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
A Legal Question :
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
LPt hahahaha great one...
Pebbly.... I'll be carefull with Evil Women
hahahaha great one...Pebbly.... I'll be carefull with Evil Women
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 A Legal Question :
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
The very first Original sin was.......................
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
Not so much a joke as a funny news story.
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back, the in jury did not appear to be severe.
After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back, the in jury did not appear to be severe.
After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves The very first Original sin was.......................
Attachment 146573
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
Attachment 146573
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
Pebbly
Good idea.
I've been on the naughty step for a week now.
Someone elses turn.
Mike
Good idea.
I've been on the naughty step for a week now.
Someone elses turn.
Mike
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Pebbly
Good idea.
I've been on the naughty step for a week now.
Someone elses turn.
Mike
Good idea.
I've been on the naughty step for a week now.
Someone elses turn.
Mike
LMAO
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves The very first Original sin was.......................
Attachment 146573
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
Attachment 146573
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
Pebbly,
I am waiting for you so we can deeply think about............hehehehe
My actions!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves The very first Original sin was.......................
Attachment 146573
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
Attachment 146573
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
Pebbly,
I am waiting for you so we can deeply think about............hehehehe
Attachment 146688
My actions!
DreemWarrior Must of slipped several times, you know how clumsy those laptop thieves are.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear DreemWarrior Must of slipped several times, you know how clumsy those laptop thieves are.
If women are so good at multitasking, why can't they have a headache, and sex, at the same time?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by beauparc If women are so good at multitasking, why can't they have a headache, and sex, at the same time?
That isn't multitasking.
That is delegation of power to you and will encourage your self motivation.
Two step process.
1) Remove yourself to remove her headache.
2) Add the other to YOUR to-do-list.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by beauparc If women are so good at multitasking, why can't they have a headache, and sex, at the same time?
That isn't multitasking.
That is delegation of power to you and will encourage your self motivation.
Two step process.
1) Remove yourself to remove her headache.
2) Add the other to YOUR to-do-list.
Here's a tip for you, Beauparc:
If you feel "romantic" tonight, bring a glass of water and two Aspirins to your wife in bedroom, saying "Here's for your headache, sweetheart". When she looks you and says "But I have no headache!", unwrap a condom and praise God!
Kari
If you feel "romantic" tonight, bring a glass of water and two Aspirins to your wife in bedroom, saying "Here's for your headache, sweetheart". When she looks you and says "But I have no headache!", unwrap a condom and praise God!
Kari
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari Here's a tip for you, Beauparc:
If you feel "romantic" tonight, bring a glass of water and two Aspirins to your wife in bedroom, saying "Here's for your headache, sweetheart". When she looks you and says "But I have no headache!", unwrap a condom and praise God!
Kari
If you feel "romantic" tonight, bring a glass of water and two Aspirins to your wife in bedroom, saying "Here's for your headache, sweetheart". When she looks you and says "But I have no headache!", unwrap a condom and praise God!
Kari
It won't cure Frostbite!
This is an actual extract from a Home Economics text book published in the early 60s
The Good Wives Guide
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready for your husband on his return from work. This is a nice way of letting him know that you have been thinking of him and are concerned about his welfare.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.
He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers etc. and then run a duster over the furniture. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate the noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Make him comfortable. Have him lie back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Always speak in a low soothing voice.
Don�t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
Where the hell have we gone wrong lads?
The Good Wives Guide
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready for your husband on his return from work. This is a nice way of letting him know that you have been thinking of him and are concerned about his welfare.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.
He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers etc. and then run a duster over the furniture. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate the noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Make him comfortable. Have him lie back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Always speak in a low soothing voice.
Don�t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
Where the hell have we gone wrong lads?
The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they always shared everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
(Continue below - This is great)
'THE TEETH.'
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they always shared everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
(Continue below - This is great)
'THE TEETH.'
Love these older people.
"LORD.... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER" ...
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her LEGS, Ethel...."
"LORD.... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER" ...
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her LEGS, Ethel...."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by beauparc Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her LEGS, Ethel...."
True Fisherman >-))))-�>
A Letter to the Men's Helpline:
Hi Andy, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to
look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
Sincerely,
Pete
A Letter to the Men's Helpline:
Hi Andy, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to
look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
Sincerely,
Pete
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old bu@@er I had to share the room with?'
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old bu@@er I had to share the room with?'
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure; she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'
A small zoo in Louisiana had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla wasin heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Boudreaux, a coon-ass part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Boudreaux had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Boudreaux was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Boudreaux showed some interest, but said he would have to tink the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
"First all", Boudreaux said, "Me, I ain't kissin' no gorilla on de lips." The zoo keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Number two", he said, "You cain't never tell nobody 'bout this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Turd Ting" Boudreaux said, "If dere's chilren I want dem all raised Catlic". Once again it was agreed.
And last of all, Boudreaux stated,
"You gotta gimme jus' one more week to come up with de $500.00."
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Boudreaux, a coon-ass part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Boudreaux had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Boudreaux was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Boudreaux showed some interest, but said he would have to tink the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
"First all", Boudreaux said, "Me, I ain't kissin' no gorilla on de lips." The zoo keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Number two", he said, "You cain't never tell nobody 'bout this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Turd Ting" Boudreaux said, "If dere's chilren I want dem all raised Catlic". Once again it was agreed.
And last of all, Boudreaux stated,
"You gotta gimme jus' one more week to come up with de $500.00."
"A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." + Boudreaux said, "If dere's chilren I want dem all raised Catlic"
Daddy was Texan soooo baby was Texan....
.......soo blame it on someone from Louisiana.
Typical Texans!
Daddy was Texan soooo baby was Texan....
.......soo blame it on someone from Louisiana.
Typical Texans!
...Should I... uh, get the banjo out now or later?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DreemWarrior True Fisherman >-))))-�>
A Letter to the Men's Helpline:
Hi Andy, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to
look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
Sincerely,
Pete
A Letter to the Men's Helpline:
Hi Andy, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to
look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
Sincerely,
Pete
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden ...Should I... uh, get the banjo out now or later?
time! �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden ...Should I... uh, get the banjo out now or later?
time! You shore gots a purdy mouth...
wUNDER who his dentusts ez?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden ...Should I... uh, get the banjo out now or later?
time! It was all downhill from there...
...s-q-u-e-a-l...
...s-q-u-e-a-l...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp It was all downhill from there...
...s-q-u-e-a-l...
...s-q-u-e-a-l...
Not from personal experience, i hope????
�� Quote: Originally Posted by spinifex �� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp It was all downhill from there...
...s-q-u-e-a-l...
...s-q-u-e-a-l...
Not from personal experience, i hope????
So this woman is in bed asleep in the middle of the night when all of a sudden her drunk husband kicks in the door and comes walking in with a live duck under his arm. He points at the woman and slurs "I just want you to see the dirty pig I've been sleeping with!" The woman replies "You idiot, that's a duck, not a pig." The man replies "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you!"
One night, a torrential rain soaked Southern Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husband; I tole dat coonass he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water."
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husband; I tole dat coonass he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water."
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were going fishing. Boudreaux wanted to check the boat trailer lights. So he told Thibodeaux to go in the back and check the lights. Thibodeaux said press the brakes, both lights came on and he said, "It works". Boudreaux put on the right signal and Thibodeaux said, "It works, it don't, it works, it don't, it works, it don't".
Wow, a lot of dirty jokes in here. Haha
�� Quote: Originally Posted by slash3r Wow, a lot of dirty jokes in here. Haha
Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra gravy.
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra gravy.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra gravy.
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra gravy.
Hopefully that was a typo error or she had a craving for spaghetti.
Dennis..... I dunno.. lol...
The Deaf Wife Problem
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'For God�s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'For God�s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These taser guns are well worth the money".
New Virus Alert!
Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Warren Commission Virus : Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.
Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus : Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.
Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Warren Commission Virus : Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.
Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus : Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.
Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These taser guns are well worth the money".
I commented the other day, "I was walking down a dark alleyway, and saw this beautiful young girl. My spidey senses tingled and I had a feeling something bad was going to happen to her. So I kept my distance. As we approached a T-section, I could hear some hoodrats down one of the sidealleys. I somehow knew something bad was going to happen to her, maybe abducted and abused, and all sorts of vile things done to the poor girl...
Luckily, I summed up the courage and prevented all this from happening."
"Wow", my audience said, "How'd you manage that?"
I replied, "I turned the corner and walked away."
Luckily, I summed up the courage and prevented all this from happening."
"Wow", my audience said, "How'd you manage that?"
I replied, "I turned the corner and walked away."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden My spidey senses tingled and I had a feeling something bad was going to happen to her.....
...I replied, "I turned the corner and walked away."
...I replied, "I turned the corner and walked away."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
Quote:
"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Pebbly,
You have NOT lost your place in line...
Still Number One
But don't stop just because you have...
1. a headache
2. that time of the month
3. not in the mood
3. forgot to take the pill
4. JUST PURCHASE A GUN!
5.
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "SCREW YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "SCREW YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DreemWarrior There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "SCREW YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "SCREW YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
I am at the age I can't remember what it was and what are we talking about?
A Serious Computer Problem
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Quote:
Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
That one has made the rounds in different variations but it always gives me a laugh.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me
up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When
your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass
of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just
keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in
his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor
looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time
my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with
sweet tea. I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut
helps?"
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me
up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When
your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass
of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just
keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in
his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor
looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time
my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with
sweet tea. I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut
helps?"
!^.^! here mine:
Launch antivirus.... full scan..... clicked... scanning....
A: hey B, let go have some drink.
B: I can't rite now.
A: why? u can't do anything while your anti scanning. So let have some drink until it complete.
B: No! the antiV said "Please WAIT until the scan is complete"
A: Oh bummer.
Launch antivirus.... full scan..... clicked... scanning....
A: hey B, let go have some drink.
B: I can't rite now.
A: why? u can't do anything while your anti scanning. So let have some drink until it complete.
B: No! the antiV said "Please WAIT until the scan is complete"
A: Oh bummer.
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I�ve got you a job," says his agent. "That�s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it�s a one-liner" "That�s okay," replies the actor, "I�ve been out of work for so long I�ll take anything. What�s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When�s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you�ve got the job. Be here 9 o�clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I�m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you�re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you�re late. Get up to makeup right now!"
So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I�m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you�re hark I hear the cannons roar", you�re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you�re about to go on."
He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I�m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You�re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain�s about to go up."
He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?"
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you�ve got the job. Be here 9 o�clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I�m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you�re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you�re late. Get up to makeup right now!"
So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I�m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you�re hark I hear the cannons roar", you�re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you�re about to go on."
He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I�m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You�re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain�s about to go up."
He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?"
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra..." which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra..." which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
I like it, I like it Dreem Warrior.
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion,he finally bought a talking centipede, (a 100 legged bug) which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
A Guy
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion,he finally bought a talking centipede, (a 100 legged bug) which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
A Guy
Alright, have to throw some Confucius says jokes in here:
- Confucius says man who eat too many jelly beans fart in technicolor
- Confucius says man who eat too many prunes sit on toilet many moons
- Confucius says man who stand on toilet get high on pot
- Confucius says man who try to smoke pot choke on handle
- Confucius says man who sneeze in without hankey take matters into his own hands
- Confucius says man who walk sideways through airport door going to Bangkok
- Confucius says man who argue with wife all day get no piece at night
- Confucius says wise man give wife piano, wiser man give wife upright organ
- Confucius says piano falling down mineshaft makes tune of a flat minor
- Confucius says panties not best thing in the world, but next to it
- Confucius says man with hole in pocket feel little cocky all day
- Confucius says man with hole in pants feel foolish, man with hole in boxers feels nuts
- Confucius says man who drop watch in toilet bound to have sh*ty time
New antiseptic must have been recalled and taken off the market.....error 404
Next time try soap and water..works for me!
Next time try soap and water..works for me!
How many computer programs does it take to change a light bulb?
None cuz that's hardwares job.
None cuz that's hardwares job.
A nursery school pupil told his teacher that he'd found a cat,but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child
"You did WHAT!" exclaimed the teacher
"You know",explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child
"You did WHAT!" exclaimed the teacher
"You know",explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
Excellent, Ms Pebbly.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by spinifex Excellent, Ms Pebbly.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A nursery school pupil told his teacher that he'd found a cat,but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child
"You did WHAT!" exclaimed the teacher
"You know",explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child
"You did WHAT!" exclaimed the teacher
"You know",explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
You are in rare form today......Naughty Girl!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A nursery school pupil told his teacher that he'd found a cat,but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child
"You did WHAT!" exclaimed the teacher
"You know",explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child
"You did WHAT!" exclaimed the teacher
"You know",explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
This is good!
Thank you BFK and THW
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A nursery school pupil told his teacher that he'd found a cat,but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child
"You did WHAT!" exclaimed the teacher
"You know",explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child
"You did WHAT!" exclaimed the teacher
"You know",explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by boohbah �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A nursery school pupil told his teacher that he'd found a cat,but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child
"You did WHAT!" exclaimed the teacher
"You know",explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child
"You did WHAT!" exclaimed the teacher
"You know",explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
A little girl is sat on her gate holding her dog all dressed up in her sunday best hair all neat in bunches etc, the vicar walks by and says hello sadie thats a lovely little doggie you have whats his name .
"porky " replies sadie
thats an unusual name for a dog says the vicar "is it because he likes bacon ?"
no says sadie its because he f***s pigs.
"porky " replies sadie
thats an unusual name for a dog says the vicar "is it because he likes bacon ?"
no says sadie its because he f***s pigs.
I like that a lot boohbah!!!!!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by boohbah A little girl is sat on her gate holding her dog all dressed up in her sunday best hair all neat in bunches etc, the vicar walks by and says hello sadie thats a lovely little doggie you have whats his name .
"porky " replies sadie
thats an unusual name for a dog says the vicar "is it because he likes bacon ?"
no says sadie its because he f***s pigs.
"porky " replies sadie
thats an unusual name for a dog says the vicar "is it because he likes bacon ?"
no says sadie its because he f***s pigs.
Oy vey!
Boobah,
You are off to a roaring start............You may be roaring out of here again with that joke. IMHO
You are off to a roaring start............You may be roaring out of here again with that joke. IMHO
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown." The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown." The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp Much better than NO internet and only bulletin board service, when we started. (yes i know, i'm old)
Thanks for posting the link, Steve.
Brought back some good memories.
A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year.
So he waits 14 agonizing years � accumulating all his words � before approaching his beloved. Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat.
He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling, I have waited many years to say this � will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"
So he waits 14 agonizing years � accumulating all his words � before approaching his beloved. Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat.
He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling, I have waited many years to say this � will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"
THE Easter Bunny !!!
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In
the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying
turf across the street.
the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying
turf across the street.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In
the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying
turf across the street.
the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying
turf across the street.
Excellent
CONFUCIUS SAY...
Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Fly who rest on toilet seat, get pissed off!
Girl who douche with vinegar, walk around with sour puss.
He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
Man who scratch ass, should not bite fingernails.
Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it.
House without toilet is uncanny.
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who screw in pantry, have ass in jam.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Man who stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Secretary not permanent till screwed on desk.
Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
War never determine who right, just who's left.
A bird in hand make hard to blow nose.
It take square ass to shit brick.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girls' behind, gets crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web - - lead to undoing of fly.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with penis in peanut butter jar is ****ing nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Fly who rest on toilet seat, get pissed off!
Girl who douche with vinegar, walk around with sour puss.
He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
Man who scratch ass, should not bite fingernails.
Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it.
House without toilet is uncanny.
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who screw in pantry, have ass in jam.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Man who stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Secretary not permanent till screwed on desk.
Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
War never determine who right, just who's left.
A bird in hand make hard to blow nose.
It take square ass to shit brick.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girls' behind, gets crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web - - lead to undoing of fly.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with penis in peanut butter jar is ****ing nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
LMAO Pebbly!!!
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated
with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my
guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when
he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She
takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to
the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated
with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my
guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when
he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She
takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to
the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly CONFUCIUS SAY...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DreemWarrior LMAO Pebbly!!!
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.
Hahaa, you'll have to put that on the Show us your dog thread, when no one is watching, haha.
Nice ones there Pebbly, haha.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by jfar �� Quote: Originally Posted by DreemWarrior LMAO Pebbly!!!
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.
Hahaa, you'll have to put that on the Show us your dog thread, when no one is watching, haha.
Nice ones there Pebbly, haha.
Young blond lady came into bar and orders a Bud. A few minutes later she orders another one. The bartender watching her closely kept bringing more Buds, she was really pounding them down. After many beers she invited all the men in the bar to the back room and have their way with her and then she left. The next day about the same time she came back to the bar and ordered a Bud and went through the whole thing again with the men and then left. On the third day she came back to the same bar. The bartender happy to see her again, scrambled to get her a Bud and she refused it and asked for a Miller stating that Budweiser made her pussy hurt.
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I�ve got a special game for you. I�ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint�my�house."
A Guy
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint�my�house."
A Guy
"If light stay on more than four hours- call erectrician"
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket
on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
and the punch line is?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves and the punch line is?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Thorsen �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves and the punch line is?
Now I got it...
If dis is to dat den I got dem.....dat right?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by Thorsen �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves and the punch line is?
Now I got it...
If dis is to dat den I got dem.....dat right?
Doesn't have a punchline. Its just funny =P
fo shizzle
Dont know if this is too dirty, but compared to the others in this thread it should be fine (not app. for youtube dump thread though)
Mother-in-law
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...
The Unreasonable Wife
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
The Humour-less Wife
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
The Mis-informed Wife
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And that's when the fight started...
The Dangerous Wife
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
The Lazy Wife
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...
The Humourless Husband
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up
to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...
The well rounded Wife
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started...
The Soft Husband
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...
The Masochistic Husband
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...
The Unreasonable Wife
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
The Humour-less Wife
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
The Mis-informed Wife
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And that's when the fight started...
The Dangerous Wife
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
The Lazy Wife
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...
The Humourless Husband
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up
to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...
The well rounded Wife
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started...
The Soft Husband
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...
The Masochistic Husband
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...
I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer
In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer
On a similar note to the post above, I recall once long ago reading a list of rules for personal safety and conduct for foreign visitors to Australia.
It included the statement "Never pick up a stick to hit a snake..... you may have picked up a snake.." or words to that effect.
Does anyone know where I can find it again?
It would be a great help.
TIA
NPP
It included the statement "Never pick up a stick to hit a snake..... you may have picked up a snake.." or words to that effect.
Does anyone know where I can find it again?
It would be a great help.
TIA
NPP
Smartest thing a blonde ever did,
She changed all her passwords to 'incorrect'
So whenever she forgets, the computer will remind her,
Your password is 'incorrect'
She changed all her passwords to 'incorrect'
So whenever she forgets, the computer will remind her,
Your password is 'incorrect'
Of course, being a blonde she still gets it wrong, even though she's constantly reminded.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dinesh Smartest thing a blonde ever did,
She changed all her passwords to 'incorrect'
So whenever she forgets, the computer will remind her,
Your password is 'incorrect'
She changed all her passwords to 'incorrect'
So whenever she forgets, the computer will remind her,
Your password is 'incorrect'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Thorsen �� Quote: Originally Posted by Dinesh Smartest thing a blonde ever did,
She changed all her passwords to 'incorrect'
So whenever she forgets, the computer will remind her,
Your password is 'incorrect'
She changed all her passwords to 'incorrect'
So whenever she forgets, the computer will remind her,
Your password is 'incorrect'
Just use "PASSWORD" like I do.....
I use that and 12345
My Password:
********
(Please don't tell anyone - it's supposed to be a secret!)
********
(Please don't tell anyone - it's supposed to be a secret!)
Mine is R-38 L-24 R-34
or is that the combiation to my safe?
38-24-34 sounds familiar to something?
or is that the combiation to my safe?
38-24-34 sounds familiar to something?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Mine is R-38 L-24 R-34
or is that the combiation to my safe?
38-24-34 sounds familiar to something?
or is that the combiation to my safe?
38-24-34 sounds familiar to something?
Yeah, maybe!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Mine is R-38 L-24 R-34
or is that the combiation to my safe?
38-24-34 sounds familiar to something?
or is that the combiation to my safe?
38-24-34 sounds familiar to something?
Sounds like Latitude, Longitude and your IQ!
Not sure if they are in the correct order.
THW................your one and only friend.
Two pretzels are walking down the street. One was assaulted.
A couple of one-liners from the late, great Tommy Cooper:
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another dressed as an egg. I thought: �This could be interesting.�
I was walking down the road the other day and saw an advert in the window that said Television for Sale - �1 � Volume Stuck on Full. I thought: �I can�t turn that down.�
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another dressed as an egg. I thought: �This could be interesting.�
I was walking down the road the other day and saw an advert in the window that said Television for Sale - �1 � Volume Stuck on Full. I thought: �I can�t turn that down.�
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 I was walking down the road the other day and saw an advert in the window that said Television for Sale - �1 � Volume Stuck on Full. I thought: �I can�t turn that down.�
A midget Fortune Teller escaped from Prison recently....
She was a small medium at large
She was a small medium at large
Quasimodo fell out of the church belfry and lay in a crumpled heap on the ground. "Does anyone know this man?" asked a police officer. "Dunno," replied a bystander, "but his face rings a bell."
There's a new drink called the Osama Bin Laden...
It's 2 shots and a splash of water.
A Guy
It's 2 shots and a splash of water.
A Guy
I do like that one.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by A Guy There's a new drink called the Osama Bin Laden...
It's 2 shots and a splash of water.
A Guy
It's 2 shots and a splash of water.
A Guy
Cheers!
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these
conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these
conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have
heard a pin drop
DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have
heard a pin drop
Just been raped by a group of mime artists...... they did unspeakable things to me................
I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady; seconds later she said "will you sod off, I'm trying to have a crap!!".
Brought the missus some crotchless knickers yesterday, It had nothing to do with a sexual nature, it was so she could get a better grip on her broomstick..
Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a seatbelt........
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say it�s definitely race related ....................
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8..........................
The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady; seconds later she said "will you sod off, I'm trying to have a crap!!".
Brought the missus some crotchless knickers yesterday, It had nothing to do with a sexual nature, it was so she could get a better grip on her broomstick..
Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a seatbelt........
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say it�s definitely race related ....................
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8..........................
The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:
.................................................................................................... ................
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. F***ing hot down here!
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:
.................................................................................................... ................
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. F***ing hot down here!
An American tourist in London got split up from the main group and rather than waste time trying to find them he decided to to sample the beer in some of the West End's finest taverns.
As he staggered out of the eighth establishment he had an uncontrollable urge to relieve himself. Just as he unzipped his trousers he was tapped on the shoulders by one of London's finest who said "Excuse me sir, but you can't do that here. It's indecent and it's against the law."
"Aw shucks," replied the Texan tourist, "I've been drinking and I'm desperate to go for a pee."
"In that case, sir, follow me." With that he took the tourist down a narrow street and through a pair of large, ornamental gates into a beautiful garden with manicured lawns, close-cropped topiary shrubbery and tall trees. "There you go, sir, pick a bush, unzip and whizz away to your heart's content."
"Gee whiz," asked Chuck, "is this what you call British hospitality?" "No, sir", replied the police constable, "this is what we call the French Embassy."
As he staggered out of the eighth establishment he had an uncontrollable urge to relieve himself. Just as he unzipped his trousers he was tapped on the shoulders by one of London's finest who said "Excuse me sir, but you can't do that here. It's indecent and it's against the law."
"Aw shucks," replied the Texan tourist, "I've been drinking and I'm desperate to go for a pee."
"In that case, sir, follow me." With that he took the tourist down a narrow street and through a pair of large, ornamental gates into a beautiful garden with manicured lawns, close-cropped topiary shrubbery and tall trees. "There you go, sir, pick a bush, unzip and whizz away to your heart's content."
"Gee whiz," asked Chuck, "is this what you call British hospitality?" "No, sir", replied the police constable, "this is what we call the French Embassy."
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to curse ?
Get another sweet, 80-year-old lady to yell ....
Get another sweet, 80-year-old lady to yell ....
Bingo
The Knob... this is a Pebbly joke.. I'm posting it for her.. lol
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're dead!!!!
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee .
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're dead!!!!
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee .
Very good LPt , I now think you should wear the Naughty Girl tag
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly Very good LPt , I now think you should wear the Naughty Girl tag
this was too funny., �� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly Very good LPt , I now think you should wear the Naughty Girl tag
this was too funny., Here ya go Gals
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DocBrown �� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly Very good LPt , I now think you should wear the Naughty Girl tag
this was too funny., Here ya go Gals
Did you hear about the two blondes Who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."
Could this be true? I'd say so.
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
As for Pebbly and LPt......................You both are BAD!!!! Now go to your room!
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
As for Pebbly and LPt......................You both are BAD!!!! Now go to your room!
A man walked into his local bar for a quick drink on his way home from work.
As the bartender was serving the man's drink he couldn't help but notice a car steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants.
"Excuse me", said the barman, "but did you know you've got a steering wheel stuffed down your pants?"
"Yeah, I know", came the reply. "It's driving me nuts!"
As the bartender was serving the man's drink he couldn't help but notice a car steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants.
"Excuse me", said the barman, "but did you know you've got a steering wheel stuffed down your pants?"
"Yeah, I know", came the reply. "It's driving me nuts!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Could this be true? I'd say so.
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
As for Pebbly and LPt......................You both are BAD!!!! Now go to your room!
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
As for Pebbly and LPt......................You both are BAD!!!! Now go to your room!
My sport of choice is airsoft (6mm bb's)
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Could this be true? I'd say so.
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
As for Pebbly and LPt......................You both are BAD!!!! Now go to your room!
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
As for Pebbly and LPt......................You both are BAD!!!! Now go to your room!
My sport of choice is airsoft (6mm bb's)
... Ohhhh my Prof.. I'm afraid to reply to you.. after my Pebbly joke..
she has me wearing the Nauty Girl tag..haha.
she has me wearing the Nauty Girl tag..haha.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 ... Ohhhh my Prof.. I'm afraid to reply to you.. after my Pebbly joke..
she has me wearing the Nauty Girl tag..haha.
she has me wearing the Nauty Girl tag..haha.
Some old perv is going to google "naughty girls" and get quite a surprise when he lands on this thread.
A woman is talking to her friend when she says, " It's really a shame, my boyfriend is losing his penis due to syphilis."
The friend looks at her and says, "Oh honey, you don't lose your penis because of syphilis!"
Woman looks back at her and replies, "You do when you've given it to ME..."
The friend looks at her and says, "Oh honey, you don't lose your penis because of syphilis!"
Woman looks back at her and replies, "You do when you've given it to ME..."
a bit less pebbly
Nagging Wife
Nagging Wife
This guys wife has been nagging him for years to take her on vacation to the holy land, so he does. She's nagging and bitching the whole time there when suddenly she up and dies.
The Arrangements Director is talking to the guy and says, " We can have her shipped home for 5000$, or you could have her buried here in the holy land for 150$."
Guy thinks about it for a bit and says, "Send her home."
Director, "Are you sure? Why would you spend 5000$ to send her home when she could be buried HERE, in the magnificient holy land, for 150$??"
Guy, "Well, a long time ago a man died here, was buried, and 3 days later he rose from the grave.
I just can't take that chance......."
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
Quote:
A woman was shaking out a rug
The other one was a stinker!
I always hang a picture of my mother-in-law above the hearth in the living room
I can't stand her, but it does a damn fine job of keeping the kids away from the fireplace.
I can't stand her, but it does a damn fine job of keeping the kids away from the fireplace.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 I always hang a picture of my mother-in-law above the hearth in the living room
I can't stand her, but it does a damn fine job of keeping the kids away from the fireplace.
I can't stand her, but it does a damn fine job of keeping the kids away from the fireplace.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 I always hang a picture of my mother-in-law above the hearth in the living room
I can't stand her, but it does a damn fine job of keeping the kids away from the fireplace.
I can't stand her, but it does a damn fine job of keeping the kids away from the fireplace.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 I always hang a picture of my mother-in-law above the hearth in the living room
I can't stand her, but it does a damn fine job of keeping the kids away from the fireplace.
I can't stand her, but it does a damn fine job of keeping the kids away from the fireplace.
Although I'm old and cranky there are some days I feel like a 16-year old, but I can never find one.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
That's great Joan!
Thanks Ted picked it up this morning from one of my newsgroups.
Joan, have you been attending Kathleen's (Pebbly) School of Risqu� Jokes?
I went to an Indian curry-house last night and had a curried pelican..
It tasted OK, but the bill was enormous..!!
It tasted OK, but the bill was enormous..!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 A man walked into a bar and ordered a pint of best bitter.
As the barman was drawing the beer from the barrel he look over and commented, "Excuse me, sir, but did you know you've got a car steering wheel stuffed down the front of your trousers?"
"Yeah, I know," came the reply, "it's driving me nuts."
As the barman was drawing the beer from the barrel he look over and commented, "Excuse me, sir, but did you know you've got a car steering wheel stuffed down the front of your trousers?"
"Yeah, I know," came the reply, "it's driving me nuts."
Is this the same guy on post 1374?
Must be a short drive!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 A man walked into a bar and ordered a pint of best bitter.
As the barman was drawing the beer from the barrel he look over and commented, "Excuse me, sir, but did you know you've got a car steering wheel stuffed down the front of your trousers?"
"Yeah, I know," came the reply, "it's driving me nuts."
As the barman was drawing the beer from the barrel he look over and commented, "Excuse me, sir, but did you know you've got a car steering wheel stuffed down the front of your trousers?"
"Yeah, I know," came the reply, "it's driving me nuts."
Is this the same guy on post 1374?
Must be a short drive!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 A man walked into a bar and ordered a pint of best bitter.
As the barman was drawing the beer from the barrel he look over and commented, "Excuse me, sir, but did you know you've got a car steering wheel stuffed down the front of your trousers?"
"Yeah, I know," came the reply, "it's driving me nuts."
As the barman was drawing the beer from the barrel he look over and commented, "Excuse me, sir, but did you know you've got a car steering wheel stuffed down the front of your trousers?"
"Yeah, I know," came the reply, "it's driving me nuts."
Is this the same guy on post 1374?
Must be a short drive!
Have you forgotten to take your memory pills again, Dennis?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf Have you forgotten to take your memory pills again, Dennis?
Have you seen them?
Maybe Hopalong took them!
I guess you might be right there, Dennis. On the other hand, they are memory pills. Perhaps you've forgotten where you've put them?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf I guess you might be right there, Dennis. On the other hand, they are memory pills. Perhaps you've forgotten where you've put them?
Dwarf.................
Put What?
I can't remember.
Dwarf,
We are in deep do do!
Maybe some nice looking lady will come along and help us.................ah help us with what?
We are in deep do do!
Maybe some nice looking lady will come along and help us.................ah help us with what?
So that's where my black lace panties are....................
I've been looking all over the place for them.
I've been looking all over the place for them.
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of the world a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
When she was 65 my mother was advised by her doctor to take up walking to keep her arthritis at bay.
She's 85 now and we haven't a clue where she is.
She's 85 now and we haven't a clue where she is.
Lol, posted this once before
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
~Ellen DeGeneres
A Guy
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
~Ellen DeGeneres
A Guy
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed � I never knew they worked.
~ Les Dawson
~ Les Dawson
Southern Medical Dictionary
Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.
Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria.......................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her
Colic...............................A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................. To live long
Enema............................Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates.......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node................................ I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... ****** near killed him
Secretion....................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness.......... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out
Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.
Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria.......................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her
Colic...............................A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................. To live long
Enema............................Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates.......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node................................ I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... ****** near killed him
Secretion....................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness.......... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out
Love it. No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
I beg to differ because, there is :
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
I beg to differ because, there is :
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where the **ck do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a **ckin' cat at home!!!
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where the **ck do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a **ckin' cat at home!!!
And if you take 2 rabbits + 2 rabbits + 2 rabbits you end up with 2,785,362 of them...
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next
day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But
then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine
pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, her service
.45 cal. automatic pistol, and a survival knife."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi
troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of
bullets, killed four more with the
knife, 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her
bare
hands."
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next
day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But
then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine
pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, her service
.45 cal. automatic pistol, and a survival knife."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi
troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of
bullets, killed four more with the
knife, 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her
bare
hands."
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Two bats are hanging in their cave.
One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says,
"Well, it�s a bit late, Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."
"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
Well, I didn't."
One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says,
"Well, it�s a bit late, Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."
"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
Well, I didn't."
Punchline: Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child
Ooops, that not a joke
A Guy
Ooops, that not a joke
A Guy
Arnold told the maid..................."I'll be back................again!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Arnold told the maid..................."I'll be back................again!"
By the way Arnie wants to run for Prez. Does the EU need a new one?
I heard France is looking for one.
Libya may need one soon.
Got to get him set up for interviews since he will need a new job now.
Alimony and child support is a real pain in the pocket book.
ahhnold, the inseminator
how far the mighty conan has fallen.
how far the mighty conan has fallen.
As I'm getting on in years my doctor prescribed viagra in the hope it would boost my flagging libido.
On my next routine visit he asked if my love-life had improved.
"No," I replied, "but every time I swallow a viagra pill I get a terrible stiff neck!"
On my next routine visit he asked if my love-life had improved.
"No," I replied, "but every time I swallow a viagra pill I get a terrible stiff neck!"
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, �Mom, what are those things on your chest?�
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn�t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, �Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she�ll float to heaven.�
Johnny thinks that�s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny�s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, �Daddy! Daddy! Mommy�s dying!�
His father says, �Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy�s dying?�
�Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy�s balloons and she�s screaming, �Oh God, I�m coming!��
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn�t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, �Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she�ll float to heaven.�
Johnny thinks that�s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny�s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, �Daddy! Daddy! Mommy�s dying!�
His father says, �Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy�s dying?�
�Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy�s balloons and she�s screaming, �Oh God, I�m coming!��
Pebbly
It is your turn on the naughty step this time.
It is your turn on the naughty step this time.
Get back on that naughty step, Kathryn!
I own the step
You have been on it so long they gave you the Title to the property!
They will probably try to collect taxes now!.
They will probably try to collect taxes now!.
____________________
)
______
)Pebbly's Naughty steps...
It made the news...
A Guy
A Guy
That is great!! I saved a copy for posterity!
I heard the taxes are a 1000 Quid a year for the step!
That is great!! I saved a copy for posterity!
I heard the taxes are a 1000 Quid a year for the step!
A Guy ,saved the cutting ,that is really good thank you
�� Quote: Originally Posted by A Guy It made the news...
A Guy
Better that +Rep
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.
Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.
The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.
The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.
The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."
So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.
The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.
The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.
Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...Think you can do better than that?"
The man spat out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"
The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.
The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.
The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."
So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.
The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.
The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.
Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...Think you can do better than that?"
The man spat out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"
"Early one mornin, a mother went in to wake up her son �
mother : Wake up, son � Itz time to go to school ! �
son : But why, Mom ? .. I don want to go. �
mother : Give me two reasonz, why U don want to go. �
son : Well, da kidz hate me for one, � n da teacherz hate me, too ! �
mother : Oh, datz no reason not to go to school .. Come on now n get ready . �
son : Give me two reasonz, why I should go to school. �
mother : Well, for one, ure 52 yearz old .. n for another, u re da Principal !"
mother : Wake up, son � Itz time to go to school ! �
son : But why, Mom ? .. I don want to go. �
mother : Give me two reasonz, why U don want to go. �
son : Well, da kidz hate me for one, � n da teacherz hate me, too ! �
mother : Oh, datz no reason not to go to school .. Come on now n get ready . �
son : Give me two reasonz, why I should go to school. �
mother : Well, for one, ure 52 yearz old .. n for another, u re da Principal !"
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia .."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...
There will be Hell to pay later!
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia .."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...
There will be Hell to pay later!
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the #@$&* wall!'''
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the #@$&* wall!'''
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the #@$&* wall!'''
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the #@$&* wall!'''
An Indian goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Sometimes I feel like a TeePee, and sometimes I feel like a WigWam". The psychiatrist thinks about it and says, "Well I think you're two tents"
No commenting - laughing!
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her place 'for a coffee'.
They get to her flat and she tells him to get himself a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see through negligee. "I am your sex slave" she says "I will do ANYTHING you want".
The man can't believe his luck "Hmmm" he says grinning from ear to ear, "I really fancy a 69" "screw you" replies the girl "I'm not cooking at this time of the night"
They get to her flat and she tells him to get himself a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see through negligee. "I am your sex slave" she says "I will do ANYTHING you want".
The man can't believe his luck "Hmmm" he says grinning from ear to ear, "I really fancy a 69" "screw you" replies the girl "I'm not cooking at this time of the night"
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: Mum! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in
his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??
She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.?
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??
He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.
out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: Mum! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in
his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??
She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.?
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??
He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.
My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. it used to be embarassing the way it would behave for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. now as old age appraches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!!!!!!!!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: Mum! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in
his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??
She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.?
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??
He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.
out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: Mum! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in
his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??
She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.?
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??
He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.
Sending you my deepest Sympathy!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. it used to be embarassing the way it would behave for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. now as old age appraches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!!!!!!!!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. it used to be embarassing the way it would behave for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. now as old age appraches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!!!!!!!!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf ...I don't know about owning the naughty step. I think you own the whole staircase!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp �� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf ...I don't know about owning the naughty step. I think you own the whole staircase!
And that is just the first floor!
A girl is about to tie the knot, and she is watching her
mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks.
"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,
lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "S**t woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks.
"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,
lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "S**t woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
Pebbly, Pebbly ...back to the steps.....
...back to the steps..... An older couple at an art exhibition, were staring at a painting that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.
He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Canadians in predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he said, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.�
After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?"
"How and why," asked the couple, "could you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?"
"Because I'm the guy who painted it." he replied.
"In fact, there are no African-Americans shown in the painting at all.
They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.
He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Canadians in predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he said, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.�
After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?"
"How and why," asked the couple, "could you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?"
"Because I'm the guy who painted it." he replied.
"In fact, there are no African-Americans shown in the painting at all.
They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Pebbly, Pebbly ...back to the steps.....
...back to the steps..... �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Pebbly, Pebbly ...back to the steps.....
...back to the steps..... I'll never look at a 'piece' of biscuit dough quite the same ever again.
Pebbly,
So much for home made bread!
So much for home made bread!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid I'll never look at a 'piece' of biscuit dough quite the same ever again.
Leo Rosten, the great Jewish writer and authority on Jewish humor, listed as one of the characteristics of Jewish humor 'revenge over the oppressor by the use of guile or circumstance'. This is such a story:
Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, �Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?" Moshe burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can�t stand to see a man crying. What�s your problem?"
"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!"
"But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, �Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?" Moshe burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can�t stand to see a man crying. What�s your problem?"
"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!"
"But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Hello LPt, that's a good one!
Thank you BFK... glad you liked it also..
The Spoon: A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
I will never touch a spoon in a restraunt ever again!
I am glad I never order the soup!
LPt you have now inherited the naughty step from Dennis and Pebbly!
The dungeon stairs at the bottom- now!
In the dark!
I am glad I never order the soup!
LPt you have now inherited the naughty step from Dennis and Pebbly!
The dungeon stairs at the bottom- now!
In the dark!
Ohh my.
Mike ohhh noo.. I'll try to be better.... that just made me laugh out loud so I had to
bring the joke to the forum.. NO the devil did NOT make me post it.:D
bring the joke to the forum.. NO the devil did NOT make me post it.:D
Dennis made you do it right???
Blame it on him and he can sit in the dungeon.
Blame it on him and he can sit in the dungeon.
lol.... Mike not this time.. but the dungeon looked a bit frightening ..gimmie a stool and a pointed cap.. that, I can handle.:o
Bubba spied a letter lying on the doormat. On the envelope was printed "Do Not Bend."
He spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
He spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
No spoons for me, I'm a fork person.
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the Casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.
In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."
A Guy
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.
In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."
A Guy
*Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"
*A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."
*Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong).
*Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
*Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
*A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."
*Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong).
*Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
*Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the Casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men
It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.
He told Maria that the house keeper is asking for a raise.
Maria said, "Screw her."
Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right?
He told Maria that the house keeper is asking for a raise.
Maria said, "Screw her."
Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right?
The History of Medicine
------------------------------------
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1975 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2010 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
------------------------------------
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1975 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2010 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
The Kansas Department of Labor claimed a small soybean
farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent
out to investigate ..
Department of Labor employee :
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Farmer: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours
every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
Department of Labor employee :
"That's the guy I want to talk to the mentally challenged one."
Farmer : "That would be me."
farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent
out to investigate ..
Department of Labor employee :
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Farmer: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours
every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
Department of Labor employee :
"That's the guy I want to talk to the mentally challenged one."
Farmer : "That would be me."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves The Kansas Department of Labor claimed a small soybean farmer was not paying proper wages...
I can understand that the language problems that Arnold has could have caused the whole problem. I sure that's what he is going to say in divorce court.
The World According to Palin
Paul Revere was really a British spy. A member of MI-1.0 predecessor of the famous MI-6.
Paul's famous ride was actually to warn the British the Americans were coming.
Aaron Burr was framed by Paul Revere for treason. That was a secret until you know who posted on Wikileaks.
More to come as soon as the astrologer consultation is over.
Rumor is that Betsy Ross was a KGB agent.
Sarah Palin fans try to rewrite history on Wikipedia - Computerworld
Paul Revere was really a British spy. A member of MI-1.0 predecessor of the famous MI-6.
Paul's famous ride was actually to warn the British the Americans were coming.
Aaron Burr was framed by Paul Revere for treason. That was a secret until you know who posted on Wikileaks.
More to come as soon as the astrologer consultation is over.
Rumor is that Betsy Ross was a KGB agent.
Sarah Palin fans try to rewrite history on Wikipedia - Computerworld
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X The World According to Palin
Paul Revere was really a British spy. A member of MI-1.0 predecessor of the famous MI-6.
Paul's famous ride was actually to warn the British the Americans were coming.
Aaron Burr was framed by Paul Revere for treason. That was a secret until you know who posted on Wikileaks.
More to come as soon as the astrologer consultation is over.
Rumor is that Betsy Ross was a KGB agent.
Sarah Palin fans try to rewrite history on Wikipedia - Computerworld
Paul Revere was really a British spy. A member of MI-1.0 predecessor of the famous MI-6.
Paul's famous ride was actually to warn the British the Americans were coming.
Aaron Burr was framed by Paul Revere for treason. That was a secret until you know who posted on Wikileaks.
More to come as soon as the astrologer consultation is over.
Rumor is that Betsy Ross was a KGB agent.
Sarah Palin fans try to rewrite history on Wikipedia - Computerworld
Uncyclopedia
6 June 2011
Sarah Palin takes no responsibility for his thingy.
SEABROOK, New Hampshire -- Sarah Palin said Sunday she didn't mean to step on Mitt Romney's "thingy".
UnNews:Palin: I didn't mean to step on Romney's "thingy" - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
I hope she didn't step on Paul Reveres "thingy".
Sarah Palin takes no responsibility for his thingy. SEABROOK, New Hampshire -- Sarah Palin said Sunday she didn't mean to step on Mitt Romney's "thingy".
UnNews:Palin: I didn't mean to step on Romney's "thingy" - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
I hope she didn't step on Paul Reveres "thingy".
Late one night, Jack took a short cut through a graveyard.
Hearing a tapping sound, he felt a little scared, but kept going. As the tapping grew louder, he became more frightened.
Finally, he found a man chiseling a gravestone.
"Thank goodness", Jack said to the man with relief. "You gave me quite a fright. What are you doing?"
"They spelled my name wrong", replied the man.
Hearing a tapping sound, he felt a little scared, but kept going. As the tapping grew louder, he became more frightened.
Finally, he found a man chiseling a gravestone.
"Thank goodness", Jack said to the man with relief. "You gave me quite a fright. What are you doing?"
"They spelled my name wrong", replied the man.
Welcome to Seven Forums omi08. A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by A Guy Welcome to Seven Forums omi08. A Guy
Thanks A Guy! Appreciate your warm welcome buddy..
I'm totally enjoying this thread, starter for the day at the office.. Sex and good grammar
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was there for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say �1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,� he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she casually asked:
"What�s the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was there for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say �1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,� he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she casually asked:
"What�s the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Husband gets home from work and says to his wife, "Our milkman has just told me that he's made love to every woman in this street, bar one.."
His wife replies, "I bet it's that stuck-up woman at number 54.."
- courtesy of Max Miller..
His wife replies, "I bet it's that stuck-up woman at number 54.."
- courtesy of Max Miller..
Thank you Borg, I need the laugh this mourning. I wonder if that shaman has a potion that works every sunrise instead of every full moon.
Bartender :
Guy goes in a bar, asks bartender for a "Bin Laden".
Barkeep says "what�s that?"
Dude says "two shots and a splash of water!"
Guy goes in a bar, asks bartender for a "Bin Laden".
Barkeep says "what�s that?"
Dude says "two shots and a splash of water!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Bartender :
Guy goes in a bar, asks bartender for a "Bin Laden".
Barkeep says "what�s that?"
Dude says "two shots and a splash of water!"
Guy goes in a bar, asks bartender for a "Bin Laden".
Barkeep says "what�s that?"
Dude says "two shots and a splash of water!"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by 2010MegaScooter Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A piece for every lake!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by 2010MegaScooter Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X A piece for every lake!
You could say he lived up to his name a thousand times over....
Reminds me of an old baby joke:
Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...
Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden Reminds me of an old baby joke:
Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...
Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden Reminds me of an old baby joke:
Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...
Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...
BAD Food :
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant
There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened toSister Logical.
Then Sister Logicalarrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
(Call me in the morning....LOL)
There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened toSister Logical.
Then Sister Logicalarrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
(Call me in the morning....LOL)
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant
There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened toSister Logical.
Then Sister Logicalarrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
(Call me in the morning....LOL)
There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened toSister Logical.
Then Sister Logicalarrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
(Call me in the morning....LOL)
You are now on my tomorrow's people to call list.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 BAD Food :
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid �� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden Reminds me of an old baby joke:
Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...
Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...
Meals on wheels.
"Hello?" the child says on the phone.
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy," says the little girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with
Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."
"Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later,
the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."
"What happened, honey?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all."
"Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic.
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to
clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
There's a long pause on the phone.
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy," says the little girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with
Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."
"Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later,
the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."
"What happened, honey?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all."
"Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic.
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to
clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
There's a long pause on the phone.
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
"Hunting Rabbi's With Dogs-The Place of Typing Errors in Modern Anti-Semitism"
PS. Could this joke be a shibboleth?
PS. Could this joke be a shibboleth?
Observations on Growing Older
~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names.... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.
~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed. It's called their "pre-sleep".
~Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem....
were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"..."when?"... ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or gals but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now 'wisdom' spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~Now that your spouse has retired ...
you'd give anything if he/she would find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.
~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs,
old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names.... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.
~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed. It's called their "pre-sleep".
~Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem....
were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"..."when?"... ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or gals but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now 'wisdom' spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~Now that your spouse has retired ...
you'd give anything if he/she would find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.
~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs,
old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
My friend joined Asda's (Walmart) on-line dating agency.
I asked him how he'd got on and he replied "Great, I got a bag for life!"
I asked him how he'd got on and he replied "Great, I got a bag for life!"
SIPPING VODKA
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 My friend joined Asda's (Walmart) on-line dating agency.
I asked him how he'd got on and he replied "Great, I got a bag for life!"
I asked him how he'd got on and he replied "Great, I got a bag for life!"
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure .
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure .
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
Engineer Husband
A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"
"They had eggs."
A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"
"They had eggs."
A blonde was weed-a-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat,
who was hiding in the grass.
who was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
PINOY SALESMAN IN AMERICA
The Boss asks: 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The Pinoy says: 'Sir, I was a salesman back home in Manila.'
Well, the boss liked the Pinoy chappie so he gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'
Pinoy boy says: 'Sir, Just ONE sale.'
The boss says: 'Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?'
Pinoy boy says: ' $101 237. 64'
Boss says: '$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?'
Pinoy boy says:'Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper Camper Tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: 'You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?'
Pinoy boy says: 'No Sir, actually he came in to buy Tylenol for his headache and I said:
'Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind!'
The Boss asks: 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The Pinoy says: 'Sir, I was a salesman back home in Manila.'
Well, the boss liked the Pinoy chappie so he gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'
Pinoy boy says: 'Sir, Just ONE sale.'
The boss says: 'Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?'
Pinoy boy says: ' $101 237. 64'
Boss says: '$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?'
Pinoy boy says:'Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper Camper Tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: 'You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?'
Pinoy boy says: 'No Sir, actually he came in to buy Tylenol for his headache and I said:
'Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind!'
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'
'No, what?' replied the man.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy.
'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'
'No, what?' replied the man.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy.
'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
Good ones!
And now, a little poetry:
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
And now, a little poetry:
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
LPt
Excellent!
Excellent!
Why thank you Mike.. I liked it also..
I sure hope it isn't as hot there as it's been down here the past 2 weeks.. no rain in sight yet.
I think the farmer will have fried green tomatoes on the vine.. an early death to the crop this year,
sure is sad for them again this year.
I sure hope it isn't as hot there as it's been down here the past 2 weeks.. no rain in sight yet.
I think the farmer will have fried green tomatoes on the vine.. an early death to the crop this year,
sure is sad for them again this year.
How to Bathe a Cat in 8 Easy Steps
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
cheers
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
cheers
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, feminists can't change anything.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
1001, one to hold the bulb and 1000 to screw the house onto it.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, let the bitch cook in the dark.
--------------------------------------
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a red elephant?
Choke it 'til it turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a green elephant?
Enrage it 'til it turns red, then choke it 'til it turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a purple elephant?
Don't be stupid, there's no such thing.
--------------------------------------
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead too.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
It got hit by the first two.
Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
Peer Pressure.
It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, feminists can't change anything.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
1001, one to hold the bulb and 1000 to screw the house onto it.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, let the bitch cook in the dark.
--------------------------------------
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a red elephant?
Choke it 'til it turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a green elephant?
Enrage it 'til it turns red, then choke it 'til it turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a purple elephant?
Don't be stupid, there's no such thing.
--------------------------------------
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead too.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
It got hit by the first two.
Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
Peer Pressure.
Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.
He thought it was a game.
...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.
He thought it was a game.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.
He thought it was a game.
He didn't want to leave anyone left behind.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago,"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at the convention?"
"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information
that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Scottish
descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn''t really be discussing all this with you. I don''t
even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Bubba."
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago,"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at the convention?"
"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information
that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Scottish
descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn''t really be discussing all this with you. I don''t
even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Bubba."
Mary went to see her Granny to see how she was coping. Grandad had been buried only the previous week and Mary was checking up on the old girl.
Both sat down with a cuppa and Mary asked "So how exactly did Grandad die?"
"Well it was the Sunday before last and we were having sex," says Gran.
"Having sex!!??" exclaimed Mary. "Surely that was a bit risky! After all, Grandad was 93!"
"Not at all," replied Gran, "we used to do it every Sunday morning. In fact, we used to time ourselves by the church bells ringing - in with the dings and out with the dongs!!" Gran suddenly looked sad and said, "and if it wasn't for that bloody ice cream van going by, he'd still be here today!!"
Both sat down with a cuppa and Mary asked "So how exactly did Grandad die?"
"Well it was the Sunday before last and we were having sex," says Gran.
"Having sex!!??" exclaimed Mary. "Surely that was a bit risky! After all, Grandad was 93!"
"Not at all," replied Gran, "we used to do it every Sunday morning. In fact, we used to time ourselves by the church bells ringing - in with the dings and out with the dongs!!" Gran suddenly looked sad and said, "and if it wasn't for that bloody ice cream van going by, he'd still be here today!!"
Just call me Bubba!
An accountant, a social scientist and a lawyer are seated in a room. A guy walks in and asks them: "how much is 2 + 2?" The accountant whips out a calculator, pencils and paper, scribbles for awhile, and then says: "The answer, sir, is 4." The social scientist grabs her laptop, fires it up a few minutes, and then says "Well, as you know this is not an exact science, but I can say with a 95% level of confidence that the answer is between 3 and 5."
The lawyer, meanwhile, gets up, looks under all the chairs, checks in the closet, opens the door to the room and looks both ways down the hall. Then he comes back, sidles up to the guy who asked the question, and whispers:
"I don't care. How much do you want it to be?"
The lawyer, meanwhile, gets up, looks under all the chairs, checks in the closet, opens the door to the room and looks both ways down the hall. Then he comes back, sidles up to the guy who asked the question, and whispers:
"I don't care. How much do you want it to be?"
"Father's Day is different in Beverly Hills. Kids have to buy presents for their biological father, their stepfather, and their surrogate father." -Jay Leno
Just a Cup of Tea
ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW !!!
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2-1/2 years old, and someone had given me a little tea set as a gift, which was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said (and only a mother would surmise), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
NOW MAKE ANOTHER PARENT OR GRANDPARENT SMILE....
ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW !!!
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2-1/2 years old, and someone had given me a little tea set as a gift, which was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said (and only a mother would surmise), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
NOW MAKE ANOTHER PARENT OR GRANDPARENT SMILE....
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters; in a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One guy in the front row jumps out of his seat and shouts at the top of his voice: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind Impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The guy jumps out of his seat again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor scale and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Stevie is really pissed off now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage "OK ...OK, you get up here and do it".
The little guy climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing......
. �A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
One guy in the front row jumps out of his seat and shouts at the top of his voice: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind Impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The guy jumps out of his seat again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor scale and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Stevie is really pissed off now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage "OK ...OK, you get up here and do it".
The little guy climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing......
. �A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp While the huge C-5 transport aircraft was turning over its engines, a female crew member gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and her crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Master Sergeant was sitting in the eighth row and thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,' replied the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call it the cockpit'
'It's now known as The Box Office.'
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and her crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Master Sergeant was sitting in the eighth row and thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,' replied the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call it the cockpit'
'It's now known as The Box Office.'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 'It's now known as The Box Office.'
That's a good one. Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"
Now you know...Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"
Now you know...Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"
Now you know...Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"
Now you know...Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
Mike,
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Mike,
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Mike,
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!
Scottish Soldier.............who says Scots are tight??
The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote", he says.
"We'll have a new one."
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully, he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana.
He carefully unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk, square handkerchief which he also unfolds, revealing a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" the Scot seriously asks the chemist. "Six pence", says the chemist casually. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence", says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater roar of voices.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote", he says.
"We'll have a new one."
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this.
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like
an assembly line?
Shingles :
Here's what happened to Bubba. He walked into the doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down
his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, 'Shingles.' so the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test,
an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for
the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude
and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like
an assembly line?
Shingles :
Here's what happened to Bubba. He walked into the doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down
his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, 'Shingles.' so the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test,
an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for
the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude
and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, Now you stay. Do you hear me?
Stay! Stay!
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, Why don't you just put it in PARK?
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, Now you stay. Do you hear me?
Stay! Stay!
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, Why don't you just put it in PARK?
Telephone bill
At some day the telephone bill is extra high and Father calls the family together and said:
"A telephone bill cannot be that high! What are you doing? "I am not the one to blame" said Father. "Most of the time I make calls at work!"
Mother responds: "Yes, and I use the phone at work too. I am not the one to blame either."
The daughter says: "I am certainly not the one to blame, I always use the phone at my internship."
All their eyes are turning to the maid, that responds:
"Why are you looking at me, you also call from work, yes?"
At some day the telephone bill is extra high and Father calls the family together and said:
"A telephone bill cannot be that high! What are you doing? "I am not the one to blame" said Father. "Most of the time I make calls at work!"
Mother responds: "Yes, and I use the phone at work too. I am not the one to blame either."
The daughter says: "I am certainly not the one to blame, I always use the phone at my internship."
All their eyes are turning to the maid, that responds:
"Why are you looking at me, you also call from work, yes?"
Foot.
A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"
So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel.
The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service," states the drunk.
She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table.
The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table.
When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"
So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel.
The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service," states the drunk.
She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table.
The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table.
When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
One last joke for today!
Little Johnny
Little Johnny went camping with the school.
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "I know, and it wasn't my finger".
Little Johnny
Little Johnny went camping with the school.
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "I know, and it wasn't my finger".
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They�re bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women�s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They�re Carols".
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They�re bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women�s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They�re Carols".
Good one,
Carols,hhh
If they are Carols(Kathleens) then many of us will enter through the pearly gates!!
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects again.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist steps out of the office and returns a moment later, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects again.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist steps out of the office and returns a moment later, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by borg 386 "it doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when i pull your tooth."
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, �I�ll give you $800 to drop that towel.� After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,�
�Who was that?� �It was Bob the next door neighbor,� she replies. �Great!� the husband says, �Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?�
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,�
�Who was that?� �It was Bob the next door neighbor,� she replies. �Great!� the husband says, �Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?�
A man went to the local canine rescue centre to see if he could find a dog to replace his pet pooch that had died recently.
He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.
As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.
The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.
The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"
He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.
As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.
The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.
The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 A man went to the local canine rescue centre to see if he could find a dog to replace his pet pooch that had died recently.
He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.
As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.
The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.
The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"
He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.
As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.
The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.
The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"
I would Rary tell that joke in public!
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and duly climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below all looking up at her.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"N,n,n,no," stammers the old man, "but it is certainly quivering a little."
A Guy
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and duly climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below all looking up at her.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"N,n,n,no," stammers the old man, "but it is certainly quivering a little."
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by A Guy Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"N,n,n,no," stammers the old man, "but it is certainly quivering a little."
A Guy
For anyone having mother-in-law issues:
I wanted to do something nice for my mother-in-law so I bought her a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
My wife said:"Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" and she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors in London and one of the staff said: "Keep her moving, sir, we're stock-taking."
Lawyer to client: "Your mother-in-law passed away. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Son-in-law: "Take no chances. Order all three."
I wanted to do something nice for my mother-in-law so I bought her a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
My wife said:"Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" and she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors in London and one of the staff said: "Keep her moving, sir, we're stock-taking."
Lawyer to client: "Your mother-in-law passed away. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Son-in-law: "Take no chances. Order all three."
Belgium announced the war against Holland!!
...... They are in Paris now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is the bus in Belgium always 10 meters long and 30 meters wide?
So they all can sit in the back.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...... They are in Paris now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is the bus in Belgium always 10 meters long and 30 meters wide?
So they all can sit in the back.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a f***ing liar. He never did any of that sh*t.
A Guy
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a f***ing liar. He never did any of that sh*t.
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 A man went to the local canine rescue centre to see if he could find a dog to replace his pet pooch that had died recently.
He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.
As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.
The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.
The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"
He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.
As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.
The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.
The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by A Guy A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a f***ing liar. He never did any of that sh*t.
A Guy
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a f***ing liar. He never did any of that sh*t.
A Guy
Little Jill was not the best student on the Catholic school. She usually is sleeping in the class.
On one day the teacher(A nun) asked little Jill, who was still sleeping, "Tell me Jill who created the universe?"
Jill did not respond, tiny Willie, her boyfriend behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the side to wake her.
"God Almighty!" shouted Jill.
"Very good!" and the nun continued the lesson.
Moments later the nun asked Jill, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Jill was already sleeping again. Willy saved her again by poking in her ass with his pencil.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Jill. And again the nun congratulated Jill with the good answer. And Jill slipped back into her dreams.
The nun asked her for the third time a question: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had received her 21st child from him?"
Willy saved her again but this time Jill jumped up and shouted:
"If you stick that thing one more time in my hole, I break it in half!"
After that the nun fainted .....
On one day the teacher(A nun) asked little Jill, who was still sleeping, "Tell me Jill who created the universe?"
Jill did not respond, tiny Willie, her boyfriend behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the side to wake her.
"God Almighty!" shouted Jill.
"Very good!" and the nun continued the lesson.
Moments later the nun asked Jill, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Jill was already sleeping again. Willy saved her again by poking in her ass with his pencil.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Jill. And again the nun congratulated Jill with the good answer. And Jill slipped back into her dreams.
The nun asked her for the third time a question: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had received her 21st child from him?"
Willy saved her again but this time Jill jumped up and shouted:
"If you stick that thing one more time in my hole, I break it in half!"
After that the nun fainted .....
smsff7, it's a play on words. "It's a long way to Tipperary" was a wartime song that was popular with British troops during the First World War during their time in the trenches.
So as not to offend the Muslims in Britain the weather forecast will now be broadcast as the Muslim weather forecast in addition to the normal forecast.
Makes sense really as most days here are partly Sunni and partly Shi-ite.
Makes sense really as most days here are partly Sunni and partly Shi-ite.
How do you kill a grey elephant?
Shoot it with a grey elephant gun.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a red elephant?
Tie a vine around its neck, wait for it to turn blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a green elephant?
Dont be silly. There's no such thing as green elephants.
Shoot it with a grey elephant gun.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a red elephant?
Tie a vine around its neck, wait for it to turn blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a green elephant?
Dont be silly. There's no such thing as green elephants.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden How do you kill a grey elephant?
Shoot it with a grey elephant gun.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a red elephant?
Tie a vine around its neck, wait for it to turn blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a green elephant?
Dont be silly. There's no such thing as green elephants.
Shoot it with a grey elephant gun.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a red elephant?
Tie a vine around its neck, wait for it to turn blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a green elephant?
Dont be silly. There's no such thing as green elephants.
xarden,
Hope you didn't bet a lot of money that there are no green elephants....
Shoot 'em with the green elephant gun then :P
Go ahead make my day!
Mike you drank too much PINK punch today.. when celebrating July 4th..
You're now seeing Pink elephants..
You're now seeing Pink elephants..
What pink elephant?
I think you have been nipping the cooking sherry again LPt.
Things will be better tomorrow. Go lie down now it has been a long day.
I think you have been nipping the cooking sherry again LPt.
Things will be better tomorrow. Go lie down now it has been a long day.
Mike,
LPt doesn't nip at the cooking Sherry. She has an IV hooked up with it.
LPt doesn't nip at the cooking Sherry. She has an IV hooked up with it.
Now watch it guys, don't make me come over there!
A Guy
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by A Guy Now watch it guys, don't make me come over there!
A Guy
A Guy
Dennis just lives down the street from you.
Glad you volunteered.
Dennis that is one more help coming! Will need another coffee cup for A Guy!
That would be a long street! Also, it will have to be after I run my 9 calls to San Jose, Gilroy, Hollister, Seaside (2), and Salinas (4). Doubt I'll have time. A Guy
Excuses, excuses.............that's all I hear is excuses.
I would be there to help you two if needed.
Oh well,looks like I will have to go at it alone.
LPt said she would try to make it if she doesn't tank up on the cooking Sherry while watching the fireworks from New York.
Haven't heard a peep from her for over 2 hours maybe it's too late!
Have a great 4th you big dummies.
THW
I would be there to help you two if needed.
Oh well,looks like I will have to go at it alone.
LPt said she would try to make it if she doesn't tank up on the cooking Sherry while watching the fireworks from New York.
Haven't heard a peep from her for over 2 hours maybe it's too late!
Have a great 4th you big dummies.
THW
A Guy
That was the fastest UN-volunteering I have ever heard of.
You start at Dennis's house then if time allows you do the others.....next week after the house is painted.
That was the fastest UN-volunteering I have ever heard of.
You start at Dennis's house then if time allows you do the others.....next week after the house is painted.
A Guy
My veins are full of Ice tea... no lemon tonite.. there's just no room for an IV..
plus it won't work if you could get it inserted..no more room inside my veins.
Good try Dennis.. you flopped again... lol
plus it won't work if you could get it inserted..no more room inside my veins.
Good try Dennis.. you flopped again... lol
Mike I tried the lying down bit.. I'm ice tea logged .. from drinking so much ice tea today.. trying to stay cooooooool !!!.
I hear the fireworks going off as I'm typing.
I hear the fireworks going off as I'm typing.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 ...it's a long way to tip a Rary!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by smsff7 am I the only person who did not get this joke?...
First World War.com - Vintage Audio - It's a Long Way to Tipperary
EDIT: Forgot to roll over to the next page to see that it had already been explained.
PS: I was not actually born yet when WWI was going on. Just for the record...
An 85-year-old man was told by the
Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man
reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man
reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
True story this.....
About 20 years ago while serving with the RAF at a base in Suffolk, England, the following took place.
Young lad arrives at the medical centre for his annual checkup. The female doctor decides to have some fun, and presents him with an empty milk bottle telling him she wants to do a sperm count, and he is to fill the bottle!!
On arrival back at work he tells the Flight Sergeant what happened. This causes great hilarity and the FS decides on a plan. He takes the bottle and fills it with wallpaper paste, putting a bit of tape over the top.
Two days later he takes the young lad to the Amateur Dramatics section where he is made up with bags under his eyes, sunken cheeks and is coached on how to pretend to be exhausted.
Up to Med centre, knocks on doctor's door, opens it and crawls on his hands and knees to her desk where he reaches up and bangs the bottle down saying "Done it M'am"
Apparently the chaos which ensued had to be seen to be believed with the doctor having hysterics and everyone else lying on the floor laughing.
The whole station knew about it and that doctor never lived it down!!
A secondary moral to this story...never, ever mess with SNCOs.
About 20 years ago while serving with the RAF at a base in Suffolk, England, the following took place.
Young lad arrives at the medical centre for his annual checkup. The female doctor decides to have some fun, and presents him with an empty milk bottle telling him she wants to do a sperm count, and he is to fill the bottle!!
On arrival back at work he tells the Flight Sergeant what happened. This causes great hilarity and the FS decides on a plan. He takes the bottle and fills it with wallpaper paste, putting a bit of tape over the top.
Two days later he takes the young lad to the Amateur Dramatics section where he is made up with bags under his eyes, sunken cheeks and is coached on how to pretend to be exhausted.
Up to Med centre, knocks on doctor's door, opens it and crawls on his hands and knees to her desk where he reaches up and bangs the bottle down saying "Done it M'am"
Apparently the chaos which ensued had to be seen to be believed with the doctor having hysterics and everyone else lying on the floor laughing.
The whole station knew about it and that doctor never lived it down!!
A secondary moral to this story...never, ever mess with SNCOs.
While on the subject of true stories, the following happened to me in 1967 when I was serving onboard the aircraft carrier HMS Eagle out in the Far East.
As was the norm in those days we got paid every second Thursday and the pay parade for 2,500 destitute sailors was in the main hangar below the flight deck.
Because we were in a tropical zone, the off-duty rig of the day was a blue shirt with blue shorts and a pair of sandals.
To get our pay when we got to the front of the line we had to march up to the Pay Officer, hold out our ID card in one hand and salute him with the other before being given our pay.
However, in my rush to get down to the pay parade, I'd forgotten I was wearing a pair of flip-flops instead of the customary brown leather sandals.
As I marched up for my pay, the Pay Officer gave me look of complete disdain and said haughtily: "I can't pay you in flip-flops!"
To this day I don't know what came over me, but quick as a flash, I replied: "That's alright, sir. Pound notes will do!"
The whole of the assembled parade creased up with laughter except for one man, who looked at me with a look of thunder and barked, "Five days punishment for making a frivolous remark to an officer."
No matter, the re-telling of the story got me extra rum each day until I left the ship a year later.
As was the norm in those days we got paid every second Thursday and the pay parade for 2,500 destitute sailors was in the main hangar below the flight deck.
Because we were in a tropical zone, the off-duty rig of the day was a blue shirt with blue shorts and a pair of sandals.
To get our pay when we got to the front of the line we had to march up to the Pay Officer, hold out our ID card in one hand and salute him with the other before being given our pay.
However, in my rush to get down to the pay parade, I'd forgotten I was wearing a pair of flip-flops instead of the customary brown leather sandals.
As I marched up for my pay, the Pay Officer gave me look of complete disdain and said haughtily: "I can't pay you in flip-flops!"
To this day I don't know what came over me, but quick as a flash, I replied: "That's alright, sir. Pound notes will do!"
The whole of the assembled parade creased up with laughter except for one man, who looked at me with a look of thunder and barked, "Five days punishment for making a frivolous remark to an officer."
No matter, the re-telling of the story got me extra rum each day until I left the ship a year later.
..do florists shout "GERANIUM..!!"
- when they jump out of aeroplanes..?
- Nurse, I need me coat..!!
- when they jump out of aeroplanes..?
- Nurse, I need me coat..!!
A Frenchman, a Dutchman and a Belgian stand side by side on the sidewalk waiting for the bus.
After some time they hear a ringtone and the Frenchman takes his left shoe and starts calling. When the Frenchman finished his call they hear a different ringtone and the Dutchman grabs his right shoe and starts to call, when the Dutchman was done with his call all in a sudden they hear a strange beeping sound. The Frenchman and the Dutchman look at the guy from Belgium. The guy pulls his pants down and behind him sticks a whole bunch of toilet paper out of his ass. The Belgium guy replies to that: Wait a minute I got a fax coming trough.
After some time they hear a ringtone and the Frenchman takes his left shoe and starts calling. When the Frenchman finished his call they hear a different ringtone and the Dutchman grabs his right shoe and starts to call, when the Dutchman was done with his call all in a sudden they hear a strange beeping sound. The Frenchman and the Dutchman look at the guy from Belgium. The guy pulls his pants down and behind him sticks a whole bunch of toilet paper out of his ass. The Belgium guy replies to that: Wait a minute I got a fax coming trough.
Daddy, How Was I Born?"
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"
"Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe."
"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said...
(scroll down)
...you've got male!"
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"
"Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe."
"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said...
(scroll down)
...you've got male!"
So a bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods.
The bear turns and says, "Rabbit... do you ever have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit blinks, and replies "What? No... never..."
The bear nods, "Good", then picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
The bear turns and says, "Rabbit... do you ever have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit blinks, and replies "What? No... never..."
The bear nods, "Good", then picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
The Anniversary...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that too', she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that too', she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'
It's just as well Microsoft don't design and build cars.
You're hammering along at 80 mph when a traffic cop steps out in the road and signals you to pull in.
In a blind panic you hit the brakes and up pops a message on the dashboard "Are you sure you want to stop?"
You're hammering along at 80 mph when a traffic cop steps out in the road and signals you to pull in.
In a blind panic you hit the brakes and up pops a message on the dashboard "Are you sure you want to stop?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 The Anniversary...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that too', she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that too', she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'
LPt,
Was his name in the OBit section of the newspaper this week-end?
That was really funny. Thanks for sharing!
THW
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 The Anniversary...
A Guy
A Guy hi.... It's your's .. anything I post is up for grabs.. ..
I thought it was funny also.
Hope you have a great new week.
I thought it was funny also.
Hope you have a great new week.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 The Anniversary...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that too', she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that too', she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'
LPt,
Was his name in the OBit section of the newspaper this week-end?
That was really funny. Thanks for sharing!
THW
I know you always find those tiny bits in your life , that help you hang on. God bless you for all you do .. along with a great compassionate attitude.
I'm delighted when something I've posted, brings you that smile.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 I know you always find those tiny bits in your life
A Guy
Cold!
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school*Robot slaps Son*
SON: OK,I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story*Robot slaps son again*
SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!*Robot slaps Dad*
MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.*Robot slaps mom*
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school*Robot slaps Son*
SON: OK,I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story*Robot slaps son again*
SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!*Robot slaps Dad*
MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.*Robot slaps mom*
Subject: FW: WORK EXPERIENCE MATTERS
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.
Then, tried being a Chef,
figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a Musician,
but they eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian
until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT
AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.
Then, tried being a Chef,
figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a Musician,
but they eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian
until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT
AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
We shouldn't laugh at other peoples' misfortune, but the black humour of the British soldier, sailor or airman/woman always makes me chuckle, none more so than this snippet I read in today's newspaper.
A British soldier in hospital after losing a leg as a result of a Taliban land mine in Afghanistan was visited by a bunch of his mates.
They brought with them an eye patch, a parrot, one crutch and a book on running! Apparently, the recipient of these "gifts" laughed so much that he nearly fell out of bed.
A British soldier in hospital after losing a leg as a result of a Taliban land mine in Afghanistan was visited by a bunch of his mates.
They brought with them an eye patch, a parrot, one crutch and a book on running! Apparently, the recipient of these "gifts" laughed so much that he nearly fell out of bed.
A man was staggering home from the pub one night very drunk, when he stumbles over something on the ground. Upon closer inspection he notices it's a lamp. So he picks it up and gives it a rub and out pops a Genie.
"I'll grant you one wish" Says the genie.
The man was a bit skeptical so he says sarcasticly, "I wish I could pee Jack Daniels"
The Genie grants his wish and sure enough, when the man pees', Jack Daniels comes out.
Excited, he races home to his wife and exclaims "I can pee Jack Daniels. Get me a glass, we're having a drink!"
"why only one glass?" the wife asks.
"That's for me, you can drink it from the bottle!", He replies.
"I'll grant you one wish" Says the genie.
The man was a bit skeptical so he says sarcasticly, "I wish I could pee Jack Daniels"
The Genie grants his wish and sure enough, when the man pees', Jack Daniels comes out.
Excited, he races home to his wife and exclaims "I can pee Jack Daniels. Get me a glass, we're having a drink!"
"why only one glass?" the wife asks.
"That's for me, you can drink it from the bottle!", He replies.
Mary went to see her Granny to see how she was coping. Grandad had been buried only the previous week and Mary was checking up on the old girl.
Both sat down with a cuppa and Mary asked "So how exactly did Grandad die?"
"Well it was the Sunday before last and we were having sex," says Gran.
"Having sex!!??" exclaimed Mary. "Surely that was a bit risky! After all, Grandad was 93!"
"Not at all," replied Gran, "we used to do it every Sunday morning. In fact, we used to time ourselves by the church bells ringing - in with the dings and out with the dongs!!" Gran suddenly looked sad and said, "and if it wasn't for that bloody ice cream van going by, he'd still be here today!!"
Both sat down with a cuppa and Mary asked "So how exactly did Grandad die?"
"Well it was the Sunday before last and we were having sex," says Gran.
"Having sex!!??" exclaimed Mary. "Surely that was a bit risky! After all, Grandad was 93!"
"Not at all," replied Gran, "we used to do it every Sunday morning. In fact, we used to time ourselves by the church bells ringing - in with the dings and out with the dongs!!" Gran suddenly looked sad and said, "and if it wasn't for that bloody ice cream van going by, he'd still be here today!!"
father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"
Bloke goes to the doctors with a rash on his testicles
the doctor sends him down the hall to the nurses room for treatment
the nurse has him take down his pants and underware
after a minute she says to him
"your going to have to stop masturbating"
"why " he says to the nurse
" because im trying to examine you" she says
the doctor sends him down the hall to the nurses room for treatment
the nurse has him take down his pants and underware
after a minute she says to him
"your going to have to stop masturbating"
"why " he says to the nurse
" because im trying to examine you" she says
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"
source: Hot Woman Jokes - page 2
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"
source: Hot Woman Jokes - page 2
A little girl became very curious as to how the human race came into existence and one day she asked her mother: "Mummy, how did the human race start out?"
Her mother replied: "Well, in the beginning God created Adam and Eve, and then they had children, and their children had children, and so on, and son, and here we are today."
The little girl was not entirely satisfied with her mother's answer, so she decided to ask her father as well. "Daddy, do you know how humans came into existence?"
Her father explained: "Well, we started out as monkeys. After a long time their bodies began to change shape and they began to lose their hair. Gradually, they became more like humans, and here we are today."
The little girl was by now totally confused by the two different answers so she went back to her mother and said: "Daddy just said we came from monkeys. Do Adam and Eve fit anywhere in there?"
Her mother quickly replied: "Oh, when I told you that we came from Adam and Eve, I was telling you where my side of the family came from."
Source: Daily Mail
Her mother replied: "Well, in the beginning God created Adam and Eve, and then they had children, and their children had children, and so on, and son, and here we are today."
The little girl was not entirely satisfied with her mother's answer, so she decided to ask her father as well. "Daddy, do you know how humans came into existence?"
Her father explained: "Well, we started out as monkeys. After a long time their bodies began to change shape and they began to lose their hair. Gradually, they became more like humans, and here we are today."
The little girl was by now totally confused by the two different answers so she went back to her mother and said: "Daddy just said we came from monkeys. Do Adam and Eve fit anywhere in there?"
Her mother quickly replied: "Oh, when I told you that we came from Adam and Eve, I was telling you where my side of the family came from."
Source: Daily Mail
Newfie Password
The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found Stevie O'Toole from Conception Bay (Newfoundland) using the following password:
MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa
When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, 'Lard t'underin geesus! Are yez blind er' stupid?
I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit' one capital
The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found Stevie O'Toole from Conception Bay (Newfoundland) using the following password:
MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa
When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, 'Lard t'underin geesus! Are yez blind er' stupid?
I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit' one capital
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"
source: Hot Woman Jokes - page 2
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"
source: Hot Woman Jokes - page 2
"MoeLarryCurlyABCDEFGH"
How about 3 characters and 8 Capitals.
How about 3 characters and 8 Capitals.
Mike that'll work also.... don't you mess up my joke... lol...
That was a joke?
I thought you were giving out passwords so I was trying to help.
I thought you were giving out passwords so I was trying to help.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X That was a joke?
I thought you were giving out passwords so I was trying to help.
I thought you were giving out passwords so I was trying to help.
That's my password!!!
How did you get it?
How did you get it?
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, then shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, then shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Life Explained In Just One Email... Listen Up!!
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Fable of the porcupine
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others. This way they were able to survive. Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The real moral of the story......LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.
Luv it Howlin Wolves... so true!! And boy, do I know a load of porcupines...
Beware of older men....
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Beware of older men....
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Beware of older men....
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
Dwarf,
I suppose you want my daily schedule of when I go to McDonalds so you can join!
Mike(Hopalong X and Nick(PooManUK) have already put in their bids.
THW
Don't tell me that Mike and Nick were with you at the time? Did you blindfold them or make them wear Topper's blinkers?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf Don't tell me that Mike and Nick were with you at the time? Did you blindfold them or make them wear Topper's blinkers?
No, they were sitting at the far table and couldn't see what I was up to!
Both knew I was up to no good by the grin I had on my face when I returned to help
them with their coloring books. Old geezer's can't even stay within the lines!
THW
How many F's are in the following sentence?
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULTS OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEAERS.
Did you count it right?
.s?????? x?s ??? ?????
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULTS OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEAERS.
Did you count it right?
.s?????? x?s ??? ?????
Um... I counted 4?
lol ok i got it now. realized where i missed
lol ok i got it now. realized where i missed
6
A Guy
A Guy
I counted twelve, but then again, I am really drunk.
I'll check back and see how many there are in the morning.
I'll check back and see how many there are in the morning.
PS: I do not drink. I just make dumb jokes about it.
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ****ing ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ****ing ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
Stand By Your Man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking, 'Oh my God!
Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking, 'Oh my God!
Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 ...'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
OHH Noooo.. I've been caught..
Did ya pick the cute cuddly pink one from the top shelf??? ROFL!!
A guy was sitting at a bar drinking a glass of beer. Pretty soon a monkey jumped on the bar and sat in the guys glass of beer. The guy looked at the bartender and said, "Hey bartender, that monkey put his ass in my beer." So the bartender gave him a new glass of beer. Before long the monkey did the same thing. The guy said, "That monkey did the same thing again." The bartender said," Hey mister, that's not my monkey. I'm not going to give you another free glass of beer. See that piano player over there. That's his monkey. Go tell him about it!" So the guy went over to the piano player and said, "Do you know your monkey put his ass in my beer?" The piano player said, "I don't think so, but if you hum it maybe I can play it."
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, �Windy, isn't it?�
�No,� the second man replied, �it's Thursday.�
And the third man chimed in, �So am I. Let's have a beer.�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say �Supersex.�
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, �Supersex.�
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, �I'll take the soup.�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, �Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.�
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, �How soon do you need to know?�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, �Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!�
Mildred turned to her and said, �Oh, crap, am I driving?�
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, �Windy, isn't it?�
�No,� the second man replied, �it's Thursday.�
And the third man chimed in, �So am I. Let's have a beer.�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say �Supersex.�
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, �Supersex.�
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, �I'll take the soup.�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, �Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.�
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, �How soon do you need to know?�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, �Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!�
Mildred turned to her and said, �Oh, crap, am I driving?�
I didn't know where else to put this. News report.
Watch it at least until they put up the map of the intersection.
This will explain everything if you don't catch the problem in the video footage.
Watch it at least until they put up the map of the intersection.
This will explain everything if you don't catch the problem in the video footage.
Complaints Log For a Local Council in England
1. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off..
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
1. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off..
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
Should I really Join Facebook ?
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I dotoot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I dotoot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Ahhhhh TEXAS
Caution.. this language is a bit salty.
Dear Diary,
Just moved to Texas ! Now This is a state
That knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a
Problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But, getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:Fell asleep by the community pool.. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag,
Then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th:The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner
is on the Fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug.. 4th:Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th:If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.
Aug 10th:The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do crap for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state?
Water rationing is next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn
windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you Know how the trial goes.
Caution.. this language is a bit salty.
Dear Diary,
Just moved to Texas ! Now This is a state
That knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a
Problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But, getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:Fell asleep by the community pool.. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag,
Then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th:The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner
is on the Fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug.. 4th:Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th:If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.
Aug 10th:The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do crap for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state?
Water rationing is next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn
windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you Know how the trial goes.
LPT
My wife and I are both rolling on the floor laughing about Texas.
Best joke I ever read in 55 years!!!!
August 8th and 9th sound wonderful!
My wife and I are both rolling on the floor laughing about Texas.
Best joke I ever read in 55 years!!!!
August 8th and 9th sound wonderful!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X LPT
My wife and I are both rolling on the floor laughing about Texas.
Best joke I ever read in 55 years!!!!
August 8th and 9th sound wonderful?
My wife and I are both rolling on the floor laughing about Texas.
Best joke I ever read in 55 years!!!!
August 8th and 9th sound wonderful?
Mike,
It took you 55 years to learn how to read?
Mike WTG.. when I read it.... I just had to share it here.. I too rolled laughing out loud.. just hope no one passing the house could hear me .
Eileen was watching TV and I was half watching and reading the joke.
I started laughing so hard and loud Eileen looked at me with that "What the ??? is wrong with you" look.
She had to read it then.
Too funny!
I started laughing so hard and loud Eileen looked at me with that "What the ??? is wrong with you" look.
She had to read it then.
Too funny!
We all need a great laugh ocassionally.. this was our time.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend..
I so hope we get some much needed rain.. this is getting serious here..along with this awful heat.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend..
I so hope we get some much needed rain.. this is getting serious here..along with this awful heat.
"BAIL'EM OUT!? Heck, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
"What are we thinking"
"What are we thinking"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by the howling wolves "bail'em out!? Heck, back in 1990, the government seized the mustang ranch brothel in nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
"what are we thinking"
Attachment 166839
"what are we thinking"
Attachment 166839
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves "BAIL'EM OUT!? Heck, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
"What are we thinking"
Attachment 166839
"What are we thinking"
Attachment 166839
A professor at Michigan State University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
I was talking to a mate the other day. He said that he had just spent a great night making love to his girlfriend and it reminded him of Kim Bassinger and the film nine and a half weeks. I said I made love to my wife once a month and it was like that Bruce Lee film "Enter the Dragon"...
An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could upgrade him to a five-day cruise.
The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could upgrade him to a five-day cruise.
The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
Dog for Sale!!!!
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Name is Jethro. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Asian-street-name, Ho Lee Schitt
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Name is Jethro. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Asian-street-name, Ho Lee Schitt
MUSTARD:
Enjoy your lunch.................................
I Love Mustard; (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a
fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,
Gourmet Mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped
by my wife suddenly at my side.
Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said..
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers..
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
When you stop laughing, pass it on.
Enjoy your lunch.................................
I Love Mustard; (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a
fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,
Gourmet Mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped
by my wife suddenly at my side.
Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said..
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers..
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
When you stop laughing, pass it on.
My new Texas rain gauge!
Attachment 167435
Attachment 167435
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the oldGerman Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the oldGerman Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 MUSTARD:
Enjoy your lunch.................................
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
Enjoy your lunch.................................
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 MUSTARD:
Enjoy your lunch.................................
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
Enjoy your lunch.................................
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
Would love to have two beautiful ladies sitting by my side instead of and old
stinking horse with an older wrinkled up cowpoke like yourself.
THW
Dennis after Kung Fu Pebbly and LPt open a can of whoop axxx on him.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver who had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it.'
Case dismissed.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver who had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it.'
Case dismissed.
Raising the Debt Ceiling is
like increasing Blood Alcohol Levels
to solve Drunk Driving!
like increasing Blood Alcohol Levels
to solve Drunk Driving!
Love Making Tips For Seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3 Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act...
8. Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Stand By Your Man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
You know you're getting old when your nearest and dearest says, "Let's run upstairs for some mad, passionate love!" and you reply, "It's one or t'other honey, I can't manage both!"
How do you make Holy Water?
Get some water....and boil the Hell out of it!
Get some water....and boil the Hell out of it!
That's a good one !!!!
Cat Lover or Not, this is funny!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold..
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold..
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew
LPt,
Well if that isn't a cats meow right from Pebbly's Naughty girl book!
Wonder how many photo's the Paramedics took to put on FaceBook?
THW
Well if that isn't a cats meow right from Pebbly's Naughty girl book!
Wonder how many photo's the Paramedics took to put on FaceBook?
THW
Me naughty Girl ???? Never... lol..
I've lost my Naughty Girl badge you made for Pebbly and me.
I've lost my Naughty Girl badge you made for Pebbly and me.
Just happened to have a back up for the both of you....
Dennis thank you bunches..
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank the Lord for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little beauty was going to bark!"
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank the Lord for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little beauty was going to bark!"
A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
. Loved what ive read so far, so will contribute. If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
A fellow from the lower states moved to Alaska. He was told by the locals, if he wanted to fit in he had to complete 3 tasks.
1) Drink a bottle of whiskey.
2) Make love to an Eskimo woman.
3) Wrestle a grizzly bear.
So he drinks the whiskey and then heads out the door. Two hours later he stumbles back into the cabin and his cloths are all ripped and he is all scratched up.
He says "got two tasks done now where is that Eskimo woman I have to wrestle?"
Jim
1) Drink a bottle of whiskey.
2) Make love to an Eskimo woman.
3) Wrestle a grizzly bear.
So he drinks the whiskey and then heads out the door. Two hours later he stumbles back into the cabin and his cloths are all ripped and he is all scratched up.
He says "got two tasks done now where is that Eskimo woman I have to wrestle?"
Jim
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Love the punchline....
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...55516377210027
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...55516377210027
�� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Love the punchline....
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
�� Quote: Originally Posted by derekimo �� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Love the punchline....
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
Oh my, this is great.
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!"
"Bring them along!" said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!" he answered.
"Bring them, as well!" answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!"
A Guy
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!"
"Bring them along!" said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!" he answered.
"Bring them, as well!" answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!"
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Love the punchline....
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them They decided it maybe was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
Will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
In the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
Because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis,
Because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss,
Because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
Will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
In the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
Because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis,
Because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss,
Because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
In Google search write ''Find Chuck Norris''
Then click and read the first result.
Then click and read the first result.
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut..
I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut..
I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
This guy went on a cruise around the Hawaiian Islands and 2 days later the ships engine blew up spectacularly and caused the ship to sink. The guy managed to stuggle onto a door that was floating nearby and waited for rescue. Eventually, after 3 days of being adrift, he got washed up onto a beach and was found by a beautiful young Hawaiian girl. She said "Is there anything I can do for you?". The guy replied " I've been adrift 3 days and I am terribly thirsty, can you give me a drink of nice cool water?" The girl returns with a bottle of pure cool clear water which the man gulps down. "Is there anything else I can get you?" asks the girl smoothing her hands down over her shapely hips. The guy replies "Well, actually, I haven't eaten since the ship sank and I am kinda hungry". Ten minutes later the girl returns with a huge sizzling steak on a platter with all the trimmings. The guy thanks her profusely and sets about demolishing the steak. When he has finished, the girl asks "Is there anything else I can get you?" running her hands up and down her body in a most suggestive manner. The guy sits there thinking so the girl asks "Don't you want to play around?"
.
.
The guy replies "Don't tell me you play golf"
.
.
The guy replies "Don't tell me you play golf"
In a tiny Irish village lived a little old lady who was a virgin and proud of it.
Sensing that her last days were fast approaching, she went to see her local undertaker, who also happened to be the village postman too.
One of her last wishes was that she had the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
She passed away soon afterwards and the undertaker/postman thought long and hard how he could engrave her inscription on her tombstone's limited space.
Finally, after much deliberation, he discarded his undertaker's hat and put on his postman's one as he came up with this inspired inscription:
Sensing that her last days were fast approaching, she went to see her local undertaker, who also happened to be the village postman too.
One of her last wishes was that she had the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"Born A Virgin, Lived As A Virgin, Died A Virgin"
She passed away soon afterwards and the undertaker/postman thought long and hard how he could engrave her inscription on her tombstone's limited space.
Finally, after much deliberation, he discarded his undertaker's hat and put on his postman's one as he came up with this inspired inscription:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for another year......
He decided to stick it out for another year......
Can I just include one massive groan to cover the last page of jokes?
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"
A women was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was j***ing off and I shot the dog!"
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was j***ing off and I shot the dog!"
A Girls First Time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
This will top Pebbly's jokes.................
Harlequin novel, version 2011
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and
guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we
were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice, close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong,
calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward
along my calves. Slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His
touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my
thighs, I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse
was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage and
then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his
hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my
panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting
and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he Wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . .. . ..
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
Harlequin novel, version 2011
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and
guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we
were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice, close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong,
calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward
along my calves. Slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His
touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my
thighs, I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse
was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage and
then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his
hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my
panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting
and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he Wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . .. . ..
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
Little humor to break up the day.
� Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
� Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
� Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed!
Dennis I know I'm the Naughty Girl today..Attachment 168888
� Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
� Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
� Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed!
Dennis I know I'm the Naughty Girl today..Attachment 168888
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Little humor to break up the day.
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed!
Dennis is over 5000 years old. WOW!
I thought he was just 3000+ years.
I thought he was just 3000+ years.
Jim
Mike I never was very good with math..
Well he is older than Moses so....... add at least one more year to Dennis's age.
It is odd one of them ended up at the Promised Land and the other in Disney Land.
It is odd one of them ended up at the Promised Land and the other in Disney Land.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp Can I just include one massive groan to cover the last page of jokes?
feel free to laugh out loud however.. if the neighbors knock on your door tell them you've been reading a joke book.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 �� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp Can I just include one massive groan to cover the last page of jokes?
feel free to laugh out loud however.. if the neighbors knock on your door tell them you've been reading a joke book.
LPt,
I like it when Prof groans. Makes me all excited.
Mike is always snoring. Time to put a pillow over his head.
Modernizing the Church
The elderly priest speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.
''The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''
''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''
''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''
''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''
''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"
The elderly priest speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.
''The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''
''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''
''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''
''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''
''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)
Ah! The Swedes and Norwegians are fine Mechanical Engineers....
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole are currently serving in the United States Senate!
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole are currently serving in the United States Senate!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)
Not going to send this on...........Going to return it to sender!!
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Email to wife (wrong recipient)
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile� somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband�s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow�s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I�ve Reached Safely
Date: 7th August, 2011
I know you�re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.
I�ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was �
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile� somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband�s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow�s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I�ve Reached Safely
Date: 7th August, 2011
I know you�re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.
I�ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was �
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
nice one �� Quote: Originally Posted by omi08 Email to wife (wrong recipient)
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile� somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband�s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow�s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I�ve Reached Safely
Date: 7th August, 2011
I know you�re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.
I�ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was �
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile� somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband�s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow�s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I�ve Reached Safely
Date: 7th August, 2011
I know you�re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.
I�ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was �
5 OLD LADIES
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the
back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks
the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and
they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the
back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks
the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and
they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.."
Two British men in Hamburg were approached by Swiss tourist who asked in German whether they knew the way to the railway station.
When they intimated with a shrug of the shoulders that they couldn't understand the language the Swiss tourist repeated the request in French, and then Spanish and Italian before turning on his heels and walking away in disgust that his request for information had failed miserably.
At that, one of the British men turned to his colleague and said; "You know, we really should make the effort to learn another language."
"What for?" replied his friend; "He knew four languages and look where that got him!"
When they intimated with a shrug of the shoulders that they couldn't understand the language the Swiss tourist repeated the request in French, and then Spanish and Italian before turning on his heels and walking away in disgust that his request for information had failed miserably.
At that, one of the British men turned to his colleague and said; "You know, we really should make the effort to learn another language."
"What for?" replied his friend; "He knew four languages and look where that got him!"
Sign in an auto repair shop:
We have three kinds of service: Quick, Good and Cheap
If it's quick & cheap, it can't be good.
If it's good & cheap, it can't be quick.
If it's good & quick, it can't be cheap.
We have three kinds of service: Quick, Good and Cheap
If it's quick & cheap, it can't be good.
If it's good & cheap, it can't be quick.
If it's good & quick, it can't be cheap.
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves 5 OLD LADIES
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the
back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks
the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and
they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the
back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks
the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and
they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by boohbah Bloke goes to the doctors with a rash on his testicles
the doctor sends him down the hall to the nurses room for treatment
the nurse has him take down his pants and underware
after a minute she says to him
"your going to have to stop masturbating"
"why " he says to the nurse
" because im trying to examine you" she says
the doctor sends him down the hall to the nurses room for treatment
the nurse has him take down his pants and underware
after a minute she says to him
"your going to have to stop masturbating"
"why " he says to the nurse
" because im trying to examine you" she says
THE ITALIAN MAN OF THE HOUSE
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After wards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The fin' funeral director would be my first guess.'
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After wards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The fin' funeral director would be my first guess.'
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol. It will be called the "Congressman". It doesn't work & you can't fire it.
I think we've had those for years now.. hopefully this will be corrected in 2012.
Little Aaron, who was Jewish, was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, and everything else they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Aaron and enrolled him in a special program at a local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??
"No", said little Aaron.
WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.
Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??
"No", said little Aaron.
WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.
Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by djl47 Little Aaron, who was Jewish, was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, and everything else they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Aaron and enrolled him in a special program at a local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??
"No", said little Aaron.
WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.
Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??
"No", said little Aaron.
WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.
Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
* * *
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin...
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread."
If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said "milk," don't Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat! Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Readers Digest. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's thirty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors!
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from San Francisco to Santa Rosa.
In San Francisco, nineteen people get on the bus;
In Sausilito, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Mill Valley, five people get off and four get on.
In San Rafael, eleven people get off and sixteen people get on.
In Petaluma, three people get off and five people get on
In Cotati, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive in Santa Rosa.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name?
It was YOU!!
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
* * *
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin...
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread."
If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said "milk," don't Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat! Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Readers Digest. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's thirty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors!
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from San Francisco to Santa Rosa.
In San Francisco, nineteen people get on the bus;
In Sausilito, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Mill Valley, five people get off and four get on.
In San Rafael, eleven people get off and sixteen people get on.
In Petaluma, three people get off and five people get on
In Cotati, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive in Santa Rosa.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name?
It was YOU!!
Quote:
You are driving a bus from San Francisco to Santa Rosa.
I don't even have a bus pass.
So if your trying to accuse me of stealing that bus forget it.
I was never in San Francisco or Stanta Rosa.
I have never been to California in my life.
So go find some other sucker to interrogate about your stolen bus!
Arnold
(ex-governator, ex-husband)
I conquer..
- er, sorry - concur..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves The very first Original sin was.......................
Attachment 146573
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
Attachment 146573
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
I agree!!
This is a must read to the end
Moral of this story is.......BRILLIANT!!
This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story....
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story....
In the dead of summer, a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh....if I go down three inches,
I will feel the mist
from the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh....if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh....if that fly goes down three inches,
that fish will jump for the fly....
and I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches....
and that fish leaps for it....
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
enough activity on one river bank,
but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches....
and that fish jumps for that fly....
and that bear grabs for that fish....
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
this particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh.....if that fly goes down three inches....
and that fish jumps for that fly,
and that bear grabs for that fish,
and that hunter shoots that bear,
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly....
The bear grabs the fish....
The hunter shoots the bear....
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich....
The cat jumps for the mouse....
The mouse ducks....
The cat falls intothe water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
Regards and sorry
UKMedia
UKMedia,
Are you out to challenge Pebbly for her Naughty Title?
Good Luck if you are.....
THW
Are you out to challenge Pebbly for her Naughty Title?
Good Luck if you are.....
THW
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctor,
engineer, accountant and lawyer and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed
the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far
away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said,"I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible
and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I
met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama
just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, The
house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind.. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. It was ages since I had nice chicken, and the
chicken you sent was very delicious. Thank you."
engineer, accountant and lawyer and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed
the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far
away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said,"I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible
and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I
met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama
just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, The
house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind.. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. It was ages since I had nice chicken, and the
chicken you sent was very delicious. Thank you."
Don't know if this one has been posted before but it made me chuckle.
Little Girl On A Plane
A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"
Then she went back to reading her book
Little Girl On A Plane
A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"
Then she went back to reading her book
Should I Really Join Facebook ? (Priceless)
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
AND really quite true!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the thirty-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great-grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue Tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
AND really quite true!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the thirty-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great-grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue Tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Joan
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Joan Archer �� Quote: Originally Posted by djl47 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Joan Archer dj,
When you get our age you sometimes forget things.
Now if I could remember what I was doing before I posted my answer!
THW
Dangerous new computer virus
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced antivirus programs cannot remove ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
- Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
- Causes you to send blank e-mail.
- Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
- Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
- Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
- Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've
When you get senile you loose some of your faculties.
The first is memory but I don't remember the rest.
Jim
The first is memory but I don't remember the rest.
Jim
Older gentleman to younger gentleman, "I have forgotten more than you have learned in your entire life time.......what were we discussing?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Older gentleman to younger gentleman, "I have forgotten more than you have learned in your entire life time.......what were we discussing?"
Weren't we discussing the Fax's of Life?
I am sooooo gonna use that bi-sacksual thing the next time I'm in the grocery store.
- Why, it seems like only yesterday..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Older gentleman to younger gentleman, "I have forgotten more than you have learned in your entire life time.......what were we discussing?"
Weren't we discussing the Fax's of Life?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BugMeister - Why, it seems like only yesterday..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by BugMeister - Why, it seems like only yesterday..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
Now that it is Thursday everyone can come back next week on Wednesday so the joke Bugmeister posted makes sense.
It's still Wednesday for me, so it must be for you as well, seeing as though you are 6hrs behind me (2pm BST - 8am your time).
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92
year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could
have sex... he could also fly.'
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92
year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could
have sex... he could also fly.'
An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help but notice how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read:
"Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read:
"Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party....
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party....
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."
Q: How do you make Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez sing the same note?
A: Shoot Justin and put some voice editing on Selena.
A: Shoot Justin and put some voice editing on Selena.
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied,"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Good one andsome.
The best one-liner (subjective, I know) at the Edinburgh Fringe this year was the one about the rookie computer user who was asked to create a user-account password with eight characters.
He chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!
He chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 The best one-liner (subjective, I know) at the Edinburgh Fringe this year was the one about the rookie computer user who was asked to create a user-account password with eight characters.
He chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!
He chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by andsome For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied,"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
A woman went into a butcher's shop the other day and asked the butcher: "Is that a sheep's head in the window?"
"No madam," he replied. "It's a mirror."
"No madam," he replied. "It's a mirror."
A dwarf was on a holiday flight to Spain.
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by damien76 A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Sound like Hopalong has taken Topper for a ride thru the neighborhood.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 A dwarf was on a holiday flight to Spain.
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by damien76 A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
There are three moms. .
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"
The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"
The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 A dwarf was on a holiday flight to Spain.
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
A very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the end of the bar.
The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, "I know, you want a Busch..."
The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch makes my pussy hurt."
The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, "I know, you want a Busch..."
The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch makes my pussy hurt."
Pebbly now that you are back..............
Let me award you the
badge again!
Let me award you the
badge again!
There once was a lady Ann Heiser
Who thought that no man would surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
Found a Busch in her pants
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
Who thought that no man would surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
Found a Busch in her pants
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied, "Madam, it was and she is."
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied, "Madam, it was and she is."
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.
Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"
The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.
Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"
The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"
Oh Pebbly. Hahahahahahahah.......................
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"
A man is driving home late one Halloween night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground is placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground is placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
A blind man walks into a bar. Sits down and orders a drink. He then asks if anyone wants to hear a blond joke. The bartender says before you tell your joke you need to know that I am a blond and a female weight lifter, the girl on your right is blond and a professional wrestler and the girl on your left is blond and a professional boxer. Now do you really want to tell a blond joke? He thinks a minuet and replies, never mind I don't want to explain the joke 3 times.
Jim
Jim
This is thankfully not from this forum.
"How do i check my computer's memory usage?"
"I have a dell laptop and I want to check the memory usage on it. Any help?"
Best Answer - Chosen by......
"Check you hardisk. Go to my computer and see your hardisk then it you find one of your hardisk. Click right click and then you will see a list and then choose properties. For me my hardisk is in local disk c"
"How do i check my computer's memory usage?"
"I have a dell laptop and I want to check the memory usage on it. Any help?"
Best Answer - Chosen by......
"Check you hardisk. Go to my computer and see your hardisk then it you find one of your hardisk. Click right click and then you will see a list and then choose properties. For me my hardisk is in local disk c"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by panais This is thankfully not from this forum.
"How do i check my computer's memory usage?"
"I have a dell laptop and I want to check the memory usage on it. Any help?"
Best Answer - Chosen by......
"Check you hardisk. Go to my computer and see your hardisk then it you find one of your hardisk. Click right click and then you will see a list and then choose properties. For me my hardisk is in local disk c"
"How do i check my computer's memory usage?"
"I have a dell laptop and I want to check the memory usage on it. Any help?"
Best Answer - Chosen by......
"Check you hardisk. Go to my computer and see your hardisk then it you find one of your hardisk. Click right click and then you will see a list and then choose properties. For me my hardisk is in local disk c"
Maybe a Dell OSsux.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man A blind man walks into a bar. Sits down and orders a drink. He then asks if anyone wants to hear a blond joke. The bartender says before you tell your joke you need to know that I am a blond and a female weight lifter, the girl on your right is blond and a professional wrestler and the girl on your left is blond and a professional boxer. Now do you really want to tell a blond joke? He thinks a minuet and replies, never mind I don't want to explain the joke 3 times.
Jim
Jim
The Wee Button
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly?
I can't button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says, "My God, what happened to
ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she
did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly?
I can't button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says, "My God, what happened to
ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she
did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
A man was given a parrot as a birthday gift. Unfortunately, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word screeched by the parrot was rude, obnoxious and laced with swearwords.
The man tried everything he could to stop the parrot from swearing too much, but he finally lost patience and yelled at the parrot to shut up. The parrott swore even more profusely, which made the man haul it out of its cage and shake it furiously, but the more the parrot was shook the angrier it became.
In desperation, the man grabbed the parrot and threw it in the freezer and closed the lid. For a few minutes the parrot kicked and squawked, but then there was total silence.
Fearing he'd gone too far, the man quickly opened the freezer lid. The parrot very calmly stepped out of the freezer and stood on the man's outstretched hands and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm very sorry for all the trouble I've caused you and I intend to do anything I can to correct my obnoxious behaviour."
The man was absolutely stunned at this contrite reaction by the parrot, but as he was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change in attitude, the bird spoke, very softly.
"If it's not too much trouble, may I ask what the chicken did?"
The man tried everything he could to stop the parrot from swearing too much, but he finally lost patience and yelled at the parrot to shut up. The parrott swore even more profusely, which made the man haul it out of its cage and shake it furiously, but the more the parrot was shook the angrier it became.
In desperation, the man grabbed the parrot and threw it in the freezer and closed the lid. For a few minutes the parrot kicked and squawked, but then there was total silence.
Fearing he'd gone too far, the man quickly opened the freezer lid. The parrot very calmly stepped out of the freezer and stood on the man's outstretched hands and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm very sorry for all the trouble I've caused you and I intend to do anything I can to correct my obnoxious behaviour."
The man was absolutely stunned at this contrite reaction by the parrot, but as he was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change in attitude, the bird spoke, very softly.
"If it's not too much trouble, may I ask what the chicken did?"
Lol, a repeat, but still good
A Guy
A Guy
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job, given her liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."
The foreman frowned and said, I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."
Due to a power outage, The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
She quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!
She quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!
Ring Ringrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi, Honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But Honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, Honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool'? ............**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi, Honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But Honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, Honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool'? ............**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*
An old Les Dawson joke or two about his mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law lay at death's door, but I said to the wife: "Don't worry, I'll pull her through."
When my mother-in-law visits, the mice jump on the traps.
I always keep a picture of the mother-in-law hanging over the fireplace. Well, it keeps the kids away from the fire.
When the mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I thought: "Good Lord, I didn't think they worked!"
My mother-in-law lay at death's door, but I said to the wife: "Don't worry, I'll pull her through."
When my mother-in-law visits, the mice jump on the traps.
I always keep a picture of the mother-in-law hanging over the fireplace. Well, it keeps the kids away from the fire.
When the mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I thought: "Good Lord, I didn't think they worked!"
From a Home Economics textbook printed in the '60s
...Once you have both retired to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom. Remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply facecream or hairproducts, wait until he is asleep, as this can be quite shocking to a man last thing at night.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations, it is important to remember your marriage vows and your commitment to obey him. Should your husband suggest congress, then accede humbly, all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, you should be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then promptly fall asleep so, adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your nightime face and hair products.
Jeez, was that the 1860s or the 1960s?
I just showed it to my wife and she's threatened me with divorce if I initiate conjugal rights without her say so!!
I just showed it to my wife and she's threatened me with divorce if I initiate conjugal rights without her say so!!
The Italian who went to Malta
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two piss. She say go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later, I go eat at bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock onna the table. She say you better not fock onna table you sonna ma bitch.
I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed you sonna ma bitch.
I go to checkout and man on desk say "peace on you". I say "piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy"!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******."
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday. She was a bit lonely.
She thought... "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills, flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places; thick wavy hair; long powerful legs; a dazzling smile; and six-pack abs. She felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.
She figured: What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am. How may I help you?"
Oh, my, he sounded sooooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in:
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"
He said... "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
She thought... "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills, flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places; thick wavy hair; long powerful legs; a dazzling smile; and six-pack abs. She felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.
She figured: What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am. How may I help you?"
Oh, my, he sounded sooooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in:
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"
He said... "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
A guy checked into a hotel. After he got settled he was being bothered by a bunch of flies. After repeated calls to the front desk with no relief he fixed the problem himself. The next morning when checking out the desk clerk asked about the fly problem. The guy stated he took care of the problem by bunching them in he corner. The clerk ask what he had done to bunch them, He stated "I took a shit in the corner"
Jim
Jim
Clintonvhp
Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders............
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders............
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'f**k or drown'."
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'f**k or drown'."
A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.
Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and screw."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"
Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and screw."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man A guy checked into a hotel. After he got settled he was being bothered by a bunch of flies. After repeated calls to the front desk with no relief he fixed the problem himself. The next morning when checking out the desk clerk asked about the fly problem. The guy stated he took care of the problem by bunching them in he corner. The clerk ask what he had done to bunch them, He stated "I took a shit in the corner"
Jim
Jim
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5.. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5.. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.............
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the young woman, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over. So now we're going to visit Sea World."
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the young woman, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over. So now we're going to visit Sea World."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by dreamer �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.............
Caring the bucket of sand is his handy cap I think. Kind of like a stroke in golf.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old mates.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the pub, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop....but at the pub..you know...they have
frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the pub
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the pub... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old mates.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the pub, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop....but at the pub..you know...they have
frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the pub
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the pub... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise...
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.
"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.*.*.K.."
Shocked, they said, "F.*.*.K? What do you mean F.*.*.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.*.*.K.
Foist U Could Knock!
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.
"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.*.*.K.."
Shocked, they said, "F.*.*.K? What do you mean F.*.*.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.*.*.K.
Foist U Could Knock!
A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"
The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"
Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"
Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".
Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"
Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?"
The boy says "Because your finger smells like P U S S Y !"
The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"
Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"
Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".
Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"
Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?"
The boy says "Because your finger smells like P U S S Y !"
I hope I don't get banned for this one.
Traffic police on the M1 in Nottinghamshire clocked a car doing 115 mph.
With great aplomb they pulled him over and asked if he realised he was breaking the speed limit, and then asked to see his driving licence.
Unfortunately, the driver hadn't got his driving licence with him, so the cop asked him who he was.
The driver replied; "My name is William Walter W***ing-Break and I work for the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company from Bungay in Suffolk." And with that he gave the cop his business card.
"Very well, Sir," replied the cop, "you can go now, but you'll be receiving a summons for speeding very soon."
With that, the traffic cop drove back to the police station and when he arrived he thought it best to check whether this William Walter W***king-Break was really who he said he was.
He dialled the number on the business card, and after three rings a girl with a delightful Welsh lilt to her voice said, "Good afternoon. This is the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company of Bungay in Suffolk. How may I help you?"
"Have you got a W***king-Break at your place?" asked the traffic cop.
"W***king break," she replied indignantly. "W***king break? You've got to be bloody joking! Our boss is that mean, we don't even get a tea break!"
Traffic police on the M1 in Nottinghamshire clocked a car doing 115 mph.
With great aplomb they pulled him over and asked if he realised he was breaking the speed limit, and then asked to see his driving licence.
Unfortunately, the driver hadn't got his driving licence with him, so the cop asked him who he was.
The driver replied; "My name is William Walter W***ing-Break and I work for the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company from Bungay in Suffolk." And with that he gave the cop his business card.
"Very well, Sir," replied the cop, "you can go now, but you'll be receiving a summons for speeding very soon."
With that, the traffic cop drove back to the police station and when he arrived he thought it best to check whether this William Walter W***king-Break was really who he said he was.
He dialled the number on the business card, and after three rings a girl with a delightful Welsh lilt to her voice said, "Good afternoon. This is the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company of Bungay in Suffolk. How may I help you?"
"Have you got a W***king-Break at your place?" asked the traffic cop.
"W***king break," she replied indignantly. "W***king break? You've got to be bloody joking! Our boss is that mean, we don't even get a tea break!"
@seavixen32, it'd really help in understanding the joke if you remove those *** I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)
I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb) Rhymes with Spanking
A Guy
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Paarkhi @seavixen32, it'd really help in understanding the joke if you remove those *** I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)
I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb) THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
Which goes to show you that SHIT HAPPENS on a daily basis.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
objoke
The three quotes used the most by pilots:
1. Why is it doing that?
2. Where are we?
3. Holy shit!
An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically,"What are looking at old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "When I was in the Navy I got drunk and screwed a parrot. Thought you might be my son."
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "When I was in the Navy I got drunk and screwed a parrot. Thought you might be my son."
Bill and Blanche
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the county fair every year. And every year, Bill would say "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair and Bill said "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied "Bill, that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you just say one word it's twenty quid."
Bill and Blanche agreed, and so up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manouevres, but not a single word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a single word was heard.
Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Bill. He said "By 'eck, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Bill replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out but, you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the county fair every year. And every year, Bill would say "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair and Bill said "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied "Bill, that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you just say one word it's twenty quid."
Bill and Blanche agreed, and so up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manouevres, but not a single word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a single word was heard.
Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Bill. He said "By 'eck, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Bill replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out but, you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"
Ahahaha. Good one Dwarf.
Billy is standing in a field looking at an overturned hay wagon with a worried look on his face when the neighbor drives by on his tractor.
"Hey Billy..." yells the neighbor, "why dont'cha hop on & we'll go get us some dinner at my house. Come on, sit a spell & forget your troubles..."
Billy says: "Well, thank you much Mr. Parsons, but I don't reckon Pa would like it very much"
"Nonsense!" says Mr Parsons, "Me & your Pa have been friends for over 20 years, he ain't gonna mind you stopping over for some dinner, now I insist, c'mon along son"
Billy nervously looks at him and says: "Well, OK sir, if you reckon my Pa won't mind..."
At the dinner table, Billy is somewhat quiet, so Mr. Parsons asks: "By the way boy...where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon sir...."
"Hey Billy..." yells the neighbor, "why dont'cha hop on & we'll go get us some dinner at my house. Come on, sit a spell & forget your troubles..."
Billy says: "Well, thank you much Mr. Parsons, but I don't reckon Pa would like it very much"
"Nonsense!" says Mr Parsons, "Me & your Pa have been friends for over 20 years, he ain't gonna mind you stopping over for some dinner, now I insist, c'mon along son"
Billy nervously looks at him and says: "Well, OK sir, if you reckon my Pa won't mind..."
At the dinner table, Billy is somewhat quiet, so Mr. Parsons asks: "By the way boy...where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon sir...."
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds.Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds.Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
- They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
- Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
I know it's a joke, but some people would regard the mentioned statements as facts. The physical part are meant for morale, cohesion, and physical readiness -.-. It was especially on the Korean war that the Army realized that running is a big deal when soldiers would die because they run out of energy quick because they can't take cover fast enough.
Also, I've had a 42 year old woman in basic, and my god we hated her because she had the mindset of an adult. You know, being older than our 30 year old drill sgt and all. "It's all about rank, not age" our DS would say. Yet she's still stubborn. The constant smoking doesn't really help either but it was fun
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
Howling Wolves great post # 1821. I'm also a long range varmint hunter; their has to be a need for two legged varmint hunters. See my Sig, not a lot of running going on there either.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by arkhi The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIAAugust 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home inKarratha, Western Australia.Now this is a town that knows how to live!Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditionedcar.What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into asun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!
!September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lotsof palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, butI love it here. It's Paradise!
October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windythough. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than weexpected.
October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before Ileft for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to theupholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned mylesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant ****ing blowdryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink andthe repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to orderparts from ****ing Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven'tarrived for the ****ing air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all beensleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and wecan't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makesit feel about 35. Stupid repairman. ****ing thief.November 8 - If one more smart ******* says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'mgoing to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, thecar radiator is boiling over, my ****ing clothes are soaking ****ing wet andI smell like baked cat. ****ing place is the end of the Earth.
November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat onthe black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my ****ing arse was onfire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and offmy ****ing arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and bakedcat.****. ****.. ****.
November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hotand sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes!It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weathermansays it might really warm up next week. ****!
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Waterrestrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up andblow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****inghell-hole are the ****ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear ofswallowing half a dozen of the little *******s!
November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now theair conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ingarse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out ofjail for assaulting the stupid prick.****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want tolive here!
December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kiddingme!cheers
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditionedcar.What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into asun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!
!September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lotsof palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, butI love it here. It's Paradise!
October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windythough. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than weexpected.
October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before Ileft for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to theupholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned mylesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant ****ing blowdryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink andthe repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to orderparts from ****ing Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven'tarrived for the ****ing air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all beensleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and wecan't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makesit feel about 35. Stupid repairman. ****ing thief.November 8 - If one more smart ******* says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'mgoing to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, thecar radiator is boiling over, my ****ing clothes are soaking ****ing wet andI smell like baked cat. ****ing place is the end of the Earth.
November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat onthe black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my ****ing arse was onfire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and offmy ****ing arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and bakedcat.****. ****.. ****.
November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hotand sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes!It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weathermansays it might really warm up next week. ****!
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Waterrestrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up andblow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****inghell-hole are the ****ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear ofswallowing half a dozen of the little *******s!
November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now theair conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ingarse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out ofjail for assaulting the stupid prick.****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want tolive here!
December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kiddingme!cheers
'OUR FIRST WINTER IN SCOTLAND'.....
DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars �500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. �100 to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - �2000 . Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush . That b....rd snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.
JAN 9th More ****ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f..ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th ****ing b.....d white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr..ks arse it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch that f..kpig that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b.....d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'f...ing' Schumacher and buries the f...ing driveway again.
JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of f...ing snow and f...ing ice and f...ing sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.
Can't move my f...ing toes or my twatting fingers. Haven't seen the sun for 5 b....rd weeks. Minus 20 and more f...ing snow forecast
BOLLOCKS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON !!
DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars �500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. �100 to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - �2000 . Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush . That b....rd snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.
JAN 9th More ****ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f..ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th ****ing b.....d white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr..ks arse it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch that f..kpig that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b.....d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'f...ing' Schumacher and buries the f...ing driveway again.
JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of f...ing snow and f...ing ice and f...ing sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.
Can't move my f...ing toes or my twatting fingers. Haven't seen the sun for 5 b....rd weeks. Minus 20 and more f...ing snow forecast
BOLLOCKS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON !!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by simmo DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIAAugust 31 - ...
Poems - Pagett, M.P.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by periboob Good story, but I prefer the Kipling version
Poems - Pagett, M.P.
Poems - Pagett, M.P.
guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?
GOTCHA!
Now it's your turn to tag someone else!
Have a great week!
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?
GOTCHA!
Now it's your turn to tag someone else!
Have a great week!
NEW WEDDING STYLE
PRIEST: Do you agree to change your facebook status from single to married?
BOY AND GIRL: I Do!
PRIEST: I now pronounce you as Husband and Wife. Congratulations, you may now upload your wedding pictures and don't forget to tag me.
PRIEST: Do you agree to change your facebook status from single to married?
BOY AND GIRL: I Do!
PRIEST: I now pronounce you as Husband and Wife. Congratulations, you may now upload your wedding pictures and don't forget to tag me.
25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Today we have Obama, no cash and no hope.
Today we have Obama, no cash and no hope.
Christmas Golf Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"
Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU F***ERS!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU F***ERS!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?
"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?
"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?
"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?
"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
...presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
...presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X ... consider a group of Baboons.
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
Is there an icon for snorting Bombay Sapphire out my nose?PS: You forgot a covey of quail.
Quote:
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Quote:
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
Dwarf
We have a No Return policy on exported baboons and Congressmen.
We can ship the entire city of Washington D.C. to you including our Republican Presidential candidates.
Not a leader among them, all baboons.
I think you have a few uninhabited Isles to the north of Scotland that would be a perfect new location.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Quote:
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
Dwarf
We have a No Return policy on exported baboons and Congressmen.
We can ship the entire city of Washington D.C. to you including our Republican Presidential candidates.
Not a leader among them, all baboons.
I think you have a few uninhabited Isles to the north of Scotland that would be a perfect new location.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf It's a deal... on one major condition, and that is you take our good for nothing MPs in exchange. We'll take your Congressmen as we will need something to feed the baboons, and they'll do nicely. It'll probably also be the first (and only) time that any good has come out of any of them.
We have Alcatraz and several Dry Tortugas which includes Fort Jefferson below for the new residents.
Dry Tortugas - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Fort Jefferson. Moat can include salt water crocs'.
Cozy little Restaurant :
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Cozy little Restaurant :
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
Says in here LPt............You are still a Naughty Girl!
Dennis .. OHHH No...... not again.. I've been caught .
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Dennis .. OHHH No...... not again.. I've been caught .
The brand is Ripple
I have no money and owe everyone even the shirt off my back...
But I do qualify with your last request....as long as you accept the endowment plan.
Pleasant dreams my Razorback Lady...zzzzzzzzzzzzz
This is for Hopalong X and a few other of you old farts!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves This is for Hopalong X and a few other of you old farts!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
The Federal Reserve prints all they want.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
The Federal Reserve prints all they want.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves I have tried printing my own..................I even put my own picture on it.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves I have tried printing my own..................I even put my own picture on it.
Don't be laughing at me.....I cashed some of it in and got Euro money in exchange..
Next plan is to get pesos's!
When I get through I will buy you a new computer.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
The Federal Reserve prints all they want.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
SEAVIXEN,
Mike was coming after me and my printing my picture on some currency.
At lease I hope he was...hehehe
Come on Mike give me your best shot!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X I probably can't post my response without getting banned.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
SEAVIXEN,
Mike was coming after me and my printing my picture on some currency.
At lease I hope he was...hehehe
Come on Mike give me your best shot!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 Oh, I can well understand where you're coming from, hence the cheeky devil smiley attached to my comment.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
SEAVIXEN,
Mike was coming after me and my printing my picture on some currency.
At lease I hope he was...hehehe
Come on Mike give me your best shot!
The Human Body - very informative!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Do they make thumb stretchers.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear Do they make thumb stretchers.
Ok,for me this is still funny
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
�� Quote: Originally Posted by panais Ok,for me this is still funny
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
lol when I showed him a picture of it he said "THAT'S RAM"
then completely ignored me, I gave up on that thread from what I'm seeing in my notifications people are still trying to get him to just do the most basic of things without just coming up with some sort of comeback that has nothing to do with 'the price of tea in china' as my aunt used to say.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Maguscreed �� Quote: Originally Posted by panais Ok,for me this is still funny
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
lol when I showed him a picture of it he said "THAT'S RAM"
then completely ignored me, I gave up on that thread from what I'm seeing in my notifications people are still trying to get him to just do the most basic of things without just coming up with some sort of comeback that has nothing to do with 'the price of tea in china' as my aunt used to say.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear Do they make thumb stretchers.
Jim
There's just NO hope for you guys.. you stray away too easily.. or did you just forget again.. then begin with what had stayed with you ??
I think that may well be elephant talk.
I think that may well be elephant talk.
Mike , you have confirmed my point !!!!!.....lol
Let's face it, only a man could possibly conceive that 2 inches is as good as a foot!
Probably so, but I'm sure we could stretch things a bit.
Ain't got a clue!
I thought it was a joke thread.
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Maguscreed I thought it was a joke thread.
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
LPt, Seavixen, Maguscreed and others
I love it. I haven't laughed this much in ....weeks.
I needed some conversating
and laughter. �� Quote: Originally Posted by whs The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
A Guy
Double zipped.
The trouble with me is I am all.....................THUMBS!
I sure had a good laugh. I still have tears in my eyes - at 5AM.
I am sometimes amazed at how sleazy some threads can turn in a forum which is supposed to be devoted to Windows 7 and where already 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here). I thought that it was a general computer forum rule to keep the conversation clean - including in the chillout section. I apologise in advance if I offended anyone, but I had to express my surprise at the "grossness" level.
It's not all out sleaze, to be sure. Some double entendre to be sure.. I certainly doubt a 13 year old isn't exposed to much more. We are mostly adults here, and this is the chillout room. The admins obviously think the thread is within guidelines. Sorry if we offended you, none of us are intentionally offensive. A Guy
If ever you want to see a master class in double entendres, the series of Carry On films with Sid James & Co have no peer.
That said, I'm sure none of us had any intention to offend anyone so I apologise if we did.
That said, I'm sure none of us had any intention to offend anyone so I apologise if we did.
Why the thread is marked as solved?
One day...
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by arkhi One day...
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I may do the same with a car.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by panais �� Quote: Originally Posted by arkhi One day...
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I may do the same with a car.
Jim
You steal a bike and get caught and thrown in jail.
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man You steal a bike and get caught and thrown in jail.
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
Subject: Marriage
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Subject: Marriage
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
Good one M'Lady
A Guy
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene I am sometimes amazed at how sleazy some threads can turn in a forum which is supposed to be devoted to Windows 7 and where already 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here). I thought that it was a general computer forum rule to keep the conversation clean - including in the chillout section. I apologise in advance if I offended anyone, but I had to express my surprise at the "grossness" level.
They see far worse on tv, in school, on the bus ride, in the mall.
People don't really seem to understand the fact that sex is so prevalent now that the average 6 year old has a full working knowledge of it. It's just impossible to hide in this day and age, we aren't being explicit at all. We aren't even using slang words.
The more you try to hide something from kids the more they seek it out anyway, it's a natural curiosity response. When we harp on them about not doing drugs many times it can have the reverse affect that was intended... what are drugs? maybe I should try them. I don't know it all seems rather twisted and bent to me.
Agreed Maguscreed...I personnaly am more offended by the conduct and actions of our so called "clean" politicians and bankers than I am of a couple of slighly racy jokes. Some people need to keep closer control of their childrens actions on the web if they have problems with this site...!
Geeks, I'm siding with Athene here. Although only happened a couple of times but I have reported some of jokes we've had here because I've found them not only sexually explicit (which I could if not accept but at least tolerate), but also in my personal opinion disturbingly rude an / or bad taste.
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
As Paddy watched a truckload of turf (sod) being driven to its destination, he turned to Seamus and said, "I'm gonna do dat."
"Do what?" asked Seamus.
"Send my lawn away to be cut." replied Paddy.
"Do what?" asked Seamus.
"Send my lawn away to be cut." replied Paddy.
To be honest, I think we take our cues by what is posted and is allowed. I personally am not offended, and don't post racy jokes. But I made what I thought a funny post with the long thumb. Still think it was funny, but if anyone is offended, I would have to think hard before posting anything in the future. A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here).
�� Quote: Originally Posted by djl47 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here).
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari Geeks, I'm siding with Athene here. Although only happened a couple of times but I have reported some of jokes we've had here because I've found them not only sexually explicit (which I could if not accept but at least tolerate), but also in my personal opinion disturbingly rude an / or bad taste.
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene I am sometimes amazed at how sleazy some threads can turn in a forum which is supposed to be devoted to Windows 7 and where already 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here). I thought that it was a general computer forum rule to keep the conversation clean - including in the chillout section. I apologise in advance if I offended anyone, but I had to express my surprise at the "grossness" level.
Just found this post ....
I respect your right to voice your opinion.
However if you find some of the jokes here "sleazy" I suggest you " shut your eyes" & /or leave the area.
Different strokes for different folks..
{Jan & Ken}
Well, I must say that I'm glad that I was not ripped into a million pieces for voicing my opinion :-) But you are perfectly right, the joke thread is definitely not my cup of tea...Und tsch�ss* :-)
*Sorry, that's German for "and bye" :-)
*Sorry, that's German for "and bye" :-)
Athene, you have my respect for being brave on dictating your opinion and for standing up what you think is right. You did point out some good points that I stand with. We are an open forum, after all. I have the belief that no thread/subforums should be stereotyped in a specific category. *bows*
On the other note...
How to teach a girl to dance ?n j??t 3 ?econds ?
Throw a cockroach on her !
We are an open forum, after all. I have the belief that no thread/subforums should be stereotyped in a specific category. *bows*On the other note...
How to teach a girl to dance ?n j??t 3 ?econds ?
Throw a cockroach on her !
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