THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5.. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5.. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly 
A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.............
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the young woman, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over. So now we're going to visit Sea World."
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the young woman, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over. So now we're going to visit Sea World."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by dreamer �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.............
Caring the bucket of sand is his handy cap I think. Kind of like a stroke in golf.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old mates.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the pub, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop....but at the pub..you know...they have
frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the pub
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the pub... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old mates.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the pub, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop....but at the pub..you know...they have
frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the pub
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the pub... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise...
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.
"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.*.*.K.."
Shocked, they said, "F.*.*.K? What do you mean F.*.*.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.*.*.K.
Foist U Could Knock!
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.
"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.*.*.K.."
Shocked, they said, "F.*.*.K? What do you mean F.*.*.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.*.*.K.
Foist U Could Knock!
A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"
The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"
Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"
Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".
Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"
Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?"
The boy says "Because your finger smells like P U S S Y !"
The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"
Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"
Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".
Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"
Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?"
The boy says "Because your finger smells like P U S S Y !"
I hope I don't get banned for this one.
Traffic police on the M1 in Nottinghamshire clocked a car doing 115 mph.
With great aplomb they pulled him over and asked if he realised he was breaking the speed limit, and then asked to see his driving licence.
Unfortunately, the driver hadn't got his driving licence with him, so the cop asked him who he was.
The driver replied; "My name is William Walter W***ing-Break and I work for the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company from Bungay in Suffolk." And with that he gave the cop his business card.
"Very well, Sir," replied the cop, "you can go now, but you'll be receiving a summons for speeding very soon."
With that, the traffic cop drove back to the police station and when he arrived he thought it best to check whether this William Walter W***king-Break was really who he said he was.
He dialled the number on the business card, and after three rings a girl with a delightful Welsh lilt to her voice said, "Good afternoon. This is the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company of Bungay in Suffolk. How may I help you?"
"Have you got a W***king-Break at your place?" asked the traffic cop.
"W***king break," she replied indignantly. "W***king break? You've got to be bloody joking! Our boss is that mean, we don't even get a tea break!"
Traffic police on the M1 in Nottinghamshire clocked a car doing 115 mph.
With great aplomb they pulled him over and asked if he realised he was breaking the speed limit, and then asked to see his driving licence.
Unfortunately, the driver hadn't got his driving licence with him, so the cop asked him who he was.
The driver replied; "My name is William Walter W***ing-Break and I work for the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company from Bungay in Suffolk." And with that he gave the cop his business card.
"Very well, Sir," replied the cop, "you can go now, but you'll be receiving a summons for speeding very soon."
With that, the traffic cop drove back to the police station and when he arrived he thought it best to check whether this William Walter W***king-Break was really who he said he was.
He dialled the number on the business card, and after three rings a girl with a delightful Welsh lilt to her voice said, "Good afternoon. This is the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company of Bungay in Suffolk. How may I help you?"
"Have you got a W***king-Break at your place?" asked the traffic cop.
"W***king break," she replied indignantly. "W***king break? You've got to be bloody joking! Our boss is that mean, we don't even get a tea break!"
@seavixen32, it'd really help in understanding the joke if you remove those *** I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)
I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb) Rhymes with Spanking 
A Guy
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Paarkhi @seavixen32, it'd really help in understanding the joke if you remove those *** I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)
I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
Which goes to show you that SHIT HAPPENS on a daily basis.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
objoke
The three quotes used the most by pilots:
1. Why is it doing that?
2. Where are we?
3. Holy shit!
An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically,"What are looking at old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "When I was in the Navy I got drunk and screwed a parrot. Thought you might be my son."
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "When I was in the Navy I got drunk and screwed a parrot. Thought you might be my son."
Bill and Blanche
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the county fair every year. And every year, Bill would say "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair and Bill said "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied "Bill, that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you just say one word it's twenty quid."
Bill and Blanche agreed, and so up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manouevres, but not a single word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a single word was heard.
Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Bill. He said "By 'eck, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Bill replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out but, you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the county fair every year. And every year, Bill would say "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair and Bill said "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied "Bill, that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you just say one word it's twenty quid."
Bill and Blanche agreed, and so up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manouevres, but not a single word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a single word was heard.
Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Bill. He said "By 'eck, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Bill replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out but, you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"
Ahahaha. Good one Dwarf.
Billy is standing in a field looking at an overturned hay wagon with a worried look on his face when the neighbor drives by on his tractor.
"Hey Billy..." yells the neighbor, "why dont'cha hop on & we'll go get us some dinner at my house. Come on, sit a spell & forget your troubles..."
Billy says: "Well, thank you much Mr. Parsons, but I don't reckon Pa would like it very much"
"Nonsense!" says Mr Parsons, "Me & your Pa have been friends for over 20 years, he ain't gonna mind you stopping over for some dinner, now I insist, c'mon along son"
Billy nervously looks at him and says: "Well, OK sir, if you reckon my Pa won't mind..."
At the dinner table, Billy is somewhat quiet, so Mr. Parsons asks: "By the way boy...where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon sir...."
"Hey Billy..." yells the neighbor, "why dont'cha hop on & we'll go get us some dinner at my house. Come on, sit a spell & forget your troubles..."
Billy says: "Well, thank you much Mr. Parsons, but I don't reckon Pa would like it very much"
"Nonsense!" says Mr Parsons, "Me & your Pa have been friends for over 20 years, he ain't gonna mind you stopping over for some dinner, now I insist, c'mon along son"
Billy nervously looks at him and says: "Well, OK sir, if you reckon my Pa won't mind..."
At the dinner table, Billy is somewhat quiet, so Mr. Parsons asks: "By the way boy...where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon sir...."
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds.Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds.Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
- They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
- Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
I know it's a joke, but some people would regard the mentioned statements as facts. The physical part are meant for morale, cohesion, and physical readiness -.-. It was especially on the Korean war that the Army realized that running is a big deal when soldiers would die because they run out of energy quick because they can't take cover fast enough.
Also, I've had a 42 year old woman in basic, and my god we hated her because she had the mindset of an adult. You know, being older than our 30 year old drill sgt and all. "It's all about rank, not age" our DS would say. Yet she's still stubborn. The constant smoking doesn't really help either but it was fun
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
Howling Wolves great post # 1821. I'm also a long range varmint hunter; their has to be a need for two legged varmint hunters. See my Sig, not a lot of running going on there either.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by arkhi The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIAAugust 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home inKarratha, Western Australia.Now this is a town that knows how to live!Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditionedcar.What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into asun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!
!September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lotsof palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, butI love it here. It's Paradise!
October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windythough. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than weexpected.
October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before Ileft for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to theupholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned mylesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant ****ing blowdryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink andthe repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to orderparts from ****ing Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven'tarrived for the ****ing air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all beensleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and wecan't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makesit feel about 35. Stupid repairman. ****ing thief.November 8 - If one more smart ******* says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'mgoing to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, thecar radiator is boiling over, my ****ing clothes are soaking ****ing wet andI smell like baked cat. ****ing place is the end of the Earth.
November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat onthe black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my ****ing arse was onfire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and offmy ****ing arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and bakedcat.****. ****.. ****.
November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hotand sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes!It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weathermansays it might really warm up next week. ****!
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Waterrestrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up andblow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****inghell-hole are the ****ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear ofswallowing half a dozen of the little *******s!
November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now theair conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ingarse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out ofjail for assaulting the stupid prick.****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want tolive here!
December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kiddingme!cheers
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditionedcar.What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into asun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!
!September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lotsof palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, butI love it here. It's Paradise!
October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windythough. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than weexpected.
October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before Ileft for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to theupholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned mylesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant ****ing blowdryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink andthe repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to orderparts from ****ing Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven'tarrived for the ****ing air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all beensleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and wecan't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makesit feel about 35. Stupid repairman. ****ing thief.November 8 - If one more smart ******* says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'mgoing to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, thecar radiator is boiling over, my ****ing clothes are soaking ****ing wet andI smell like baked cat. ****ing place is the end of the Earth.
November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat onthe black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my ****ing arse was onfire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and offmy ****ing arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and bakedcat.****. ****.. ****.
November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hotand sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes!It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weathermansays it might really warm up next week. ****!
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Waterrestrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up andblow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****inghell-hole are the ****ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear ofswallowing half a dozen of the little *******s!
November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now theair conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ingarse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out ofjail for assaulting the stupid prick.****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want tolive here!
December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kiddingme!cheers
'OUR FIRST WINTER IN SCOTLAND'.....
DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars �500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. �100 to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - �2000 . Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush . That b....rd snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.
JAN 9th More ****ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f..ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th ****ing b.....d white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr..ks arse it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch that f..kpig that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b.....d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'f...ing' Schumacher and buries the f...ing driveway again.
JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of f...ing snow and f...ing ice and f...ing sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.
Can't move my f...ing toes or my twatting fingers. Haven't seen the sun for 5 b....rd weeks. Minus 20 and more f...ing snow forecast
BOLLOCKS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON !!
DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars �500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. �100 to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - �2000 . Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush . That b....rd snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.
JAN 9th More ****ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f..ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th ****ing b.....d white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr..ks arse it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch that f..kpig that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b.....d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'f...ing' Schumacher and buries the f...ing driveway again.
JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of f...ing snow and f...ing ice and f...ing sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.
Can't move my f...ing toes or my twatting fingers. Haven't seen the sun for 5 b....rd weeks. Minus 20 and more f...ing snow forecast
BOLLOCKS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON !!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by simmo DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIAAugust 31 - ...
Poems - Pagett, M.P.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by periboob Good story, but I prefer the Kipling version
Poems - Pagett, M.P.
Poems - Pagett, M.P.
guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?
GOTCHA!
Now it's your turn to tag someone else!
Have a great week!
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?
GOTCHA!
Now it's your turn to tag someone else!
Have a great week!
NEW WEDDING STYLE
PRIEST: Do you agree to change your facebook status from single to married?
BOY AND GIRL: I Do!
PRIEST: I now pronounce you as Husband and Wife. Congratulations, you may now upload your wedding pictures and don't forget to tag me.
PRIEST: Do you agree to change your facebook status from single to married?
BOY AND GIRL: I Do!
PRIEST: I now pronounce you as Husband and Wife. Congratulations, you may now upload your wedding pictures and don't forget to tag me.
25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Today we have Obama, no cash and no hope.
Today we have Obama, no cash and no hope.
Christmas Golf Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"
Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU F***ERS!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU F***ERS!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?
"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?
"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?
"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?
"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
...presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
...presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X ... consider a group of Baboons.
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
Is there an icon for snorting Bombay Sapphire out my nose?PS: You forgot a covey of quail.
Quote:
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Quote:
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
Dwarf
We have a No Return policy on exported baboons and Congressmen.
We can ship the entire city of Washington D.C. to you including our Republican Presidential candidates.
Not a leader among them, all baboons.
I think you have a few uninhabited Isles to the north of Scotland that would be a perfect new location.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Quote:
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
Dwarf
We have a No Return policy on exported baboons and Congressmen.
We can ship the entire city of Washington D.C. to you including our Republican Presidential candidates.
Not a leader among them, all baboons.
I think you have a few uninhabited Isles to the north of Scotland that would be a perfect new location.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf It's a deal... on one major condition, and that is you take our good for nothing MPs in exchange. We'll take your Congressmen as we will need something to feed the baboons, and they'll do nicely. It'll probably also be the first (and only) time that any good has come out of any of them.
We have Alcatraz and several Dry Tortugas which includes Fort Jefferson below for the new residents.
Dry Tortugas - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Fort Jefferson. Moat can include salt water crocs'.
Cozy little Restaurant :
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Cozy little Restaurant :
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
Says in here LPt............You are still a Naughty Girl!
Dennis .. OHHH No...... not again.. I've been caught .
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Dennis .. OHHH No...... not again.. I've been caught .
The brand is Ripple
I have no money and owe everyone even the shirt off my back...
But I do qualify with your last request....as long as you accept the endowment plan.
Pleasant dreams my Razorback Lady...zzzzzzzzzzzzz
This is for Hopalong X and a few other of you old farts!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves This is for Hopalong X and a few other of you old farts!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
The Federal Reserve prints all they want.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
The Federal Reserve prints all they want.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves I have tried printing my own..................I even put my own picture on it.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves I have tried printing my own..................I even put my own picture on it.
Don't be laughing at me.....I cashed some of it in and got Euro money in exchange..
Next plan is to get pesos's!
When I get through I will buy you a new computer.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
The Federal Reserve prints all they want.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
SEAVIXEN,
Mike was coming after me and my printing my picture on some currency.
At lease I hope he was...hehehe
Come on Mike give me your best shot!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X I probably can't post my response without getting banned.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
SEAVIXEN,
Mike was coming after me and my printing my picture on some currency.
At lease I hope he was...hehehe
Come on Mike give me your best shot!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 Oh, I can well understand where you're coming from, hence the cheeky devil smiley attached to my comment.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
SEAVIXEN,
Mike was coming after me and my printing my picture on some currency.
At lease I hope he was...hehehe
Come on Mike give me your best shot!
The Human Body - very informative!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Do they make thumb stretchers.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear Do they make thumb stretchers.
Ok,for me this is still funny
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
�� Quote: Originally Posted by panais Ok,for me this is still funny
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
lol when I showed him a picture of it he said "THAT'S RAM"
then completely ignored me, I gave up on that thread from what I'm seeing in my notifications people are still trying to get him to just do the most basic of things without just coming up with some sort of comeback that has nothing to do with 'the price of tea in china' as my aunt used to say.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Maguscreed �� Quote: Originally Posted by panais Ok,for me this is still funny
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
lol when I showed him a picture of it he said "THAT'S RAM"
then completely ignored me, I gave up on that thread from what I'm seeing in my notifications people are still trying to get him to just do the most basic of things without just coming up with some sort of comeback that has nothing to do with 'the price of tea in china' as my aunt used to say.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear Do they make thumb stretchers.
Jim
There's just NO hope for you guys.. you stray away too easily.. or did you just forget again.. then begin with what had stayed with you ??
I think that may well be elephant talk.
I think that may well be elephant talk.
Mike , you have confirmed my point !!!!!.....lol
Let's face it, only a man could possibly conceive that 2 inches is as good as a foot!
Probably so, but I'm sure we could stretch things a bit.
Ain't got a clue!
I thought it was a joke thread.
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Maguscreed I thought it was a joke thread.
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
LPt, Seavixen, Maguscreed and others
I love it. I haven't laughed this much in ....weeks.
I needed some conversating
and laughter. �� Quote: Originally Posted by whs The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
A Guy
Double zipped.
The trouble with me is I am all.....................THUMBS!
I sure had a good laugh. I still have tears in my eyes - at 5AM.
I am sometimes amazed at how sleazy some threads can turn in a forum which is supposed to be devoted to Windows 7 and where already 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here). I thought that it was a general computer forum rule to keep the conversation clean - including in the chillout section. I apologise in advance if I offended anyone, but I had to express my surprise at the "grossness" level.
It's not all out sleaze, to be sure. Some double entendre to be sure.. I certainly doubt a 13 year old isn't exposed to much more. We are mostly adults here, and this is the chillout room. The admins obviously think the thread is within guidelines. Sorry if we offended you, none of us are intentionally offensive. A Guy
If ever you want to see a master class in double entendres, the series of Carry On films with Sid James & Co have no peer.
That said, I'm sure none of us had any intention to offend anyone so I apologise if we did.
That said, I'm sure none of us had any intention to offend anyone so I apologise if we did.
Why the thread is marked as solved? 
One day...
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by arkhi One day...
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I may do the same with a car.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by panais �� Quote: Originally Posted by arkhi One day...
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I may do the same with a car.
Jim
You steal a bike and get caught and thrown in jail.
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man You steal a bike and get caught and thrown in jail.
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
Subject: Marriage
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Subject: Marriage
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
Good one M'Lady
A Guy
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene I am sometimes amazed at how sleazy some threads can turn in a forum which is supposed to be devoted to Windows 7 and where already 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here). I thought that it was a general computer forum rule to keep the conversation clean - including in the chillout section. I apologise in advance if I offended anyone, but I had to express my surprise at the "grossness" level.
They see far worse on tv, in school, on the bus ride, in the mall.
People don't really seem to understand the fact that sex is so prevalent now that the average 6 year old has a full working knowledge of it. It's just impossible to hide in this day and age, we aren't being explicit at all. We aren't even using slang words.
The more you try to hide something from kids the more they seek it out anyway, it's a natural curiosity response. When we harp on them about not doing drugs many times it can have the reverse affect that was intended... what are drugs? maybe I should try them. I don't know it all seems rather twisted and bent to me.
Agreed Maguscreed...I personnaly am more offended by the conduct and actions of our so called "clean" politicians and bankers than I am of a couple of slighly racy jokes. Some people need to keep closer control of their childrens actions on the web if they have problems with this site...!
Geeks, I'm siding with Athene here. Although only happened a couple of times but I have reported some of jokes we've had here because I've found them not only sexually explicit (which I could if not accept but at least tolerate), but also in my personal opinion disturbingly rude an / or bad taste.
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
As Paddy watched a truckload of turf (sod) being driven to its destination, he turned to Seamus and said, "I'm gonna do dat."
"Do what?" asked Seamus.
"Send my lawn away to be cut." replied Paddy.
"Do what?" asked Seamus.
"Send my lawn away to be cut." replied Paddy.
To be honest, I think we take our cues by what is posted and is allowed. I personally am not offended, and don't post racy jokes. But I made what I thought a funny post with the long thumb. Still think it was funny, but if anyone is offended, I would have to think hard before posting anything in the future. A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here).
�� Quote: Originally Posted by djl47 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here).
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari Geeks, I'm siding with Athene here. Although only happened a couple of times but I have reported some of jokes we've had here because I've found them not only sexually explicit (which I could if not accept but at least tolerate), but also in my personal opinion disturbingly rude an / or bad taste.
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene I am sometimes amazed at how sleazy some threads can turn in a forum which is supposed to be devoted to Windows 7 and where already 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here). I thought that it was a general computer forum rule to keep the conversation clean - including in the chillout section. I apologise in advance if I offended anyone, but I had to express my surprise at the "grossness" level.
Just found this post ....
I respect your right to voice your opinion.
However if you find some of the jokes here "sleazy" I suggest you " shut your eyes" & /or leave the area.
Different strokes for different folks..
{Jan & Ken}
Well, I must say that I'm glad that I was not ripped into a million pieces for voicing my opinion :-) But you are perfectly right, the joke thread is definitely not my cup of tea...Und tsch�ss* :-)
*Sorry, that's German for "and bye" :-)
*Sorry, that's German for "and bye" :-)
Athene, you have my respect for being brave on dictating your opinion and for standing up what you think is right. You did point out some good points that I stand with. We are an open forum, after all. I have the belief that no thread/subforums should be stereotyped in a specific category. *bows*
On the other note...
How to teach a girl to dance ?n j??t 3 ?econds ?
Throw a cockroach on her !
We are an open forum, after all. I have the belief that no thread/subforums should be stereotyped in a specific category. *bows*On the other note...
How to teach a girl to dance ?n j??t 3 ?econds ?
Throw a cockroach on her !
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