What's sleek, fast and goes from 0-60 in 2.8 seconds? A Bugatti Veyron
What's moderately affordable and gets 60mpg? A Toyota Prius
What's old, clunky, and goes from 0-crash in 5 seconds? DOS
(sorry, geek humor)
What's moderately affordable and gets 60mpg? A Toyota Prius
What's old, clunky, and goes from 0-crash in 5 seconds? DOS
(sorry, geek humor)
Too long to post here, but this is absolutely amazing:
The Insult File Version 6.12
NOTE: I did not see any bad words in there, which is even more amazing. If I missed one, sorry...
The Insult File Version 6.12
NOTE: I did not see any bad words in there, which is even more amazing. If I missed one, sorry...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Benjamin Hall 
What's sleek, fast and goes from 0-60 in 2.8 seconds? A Bugatti Veyron
What's moderately affordable and gets 60mpg? A Toyota Prius
What's old, clunky, and goes from 0-crash in 5 seconds? DOS
(sorry, geek humor)
What's moderately affordable and gets 60mpg? A Toyota Prius
What's old, clunky, and goes from 0-crash in 5 seconds? DOS
(sorry, geek humor)
What's sleek, fast and goes from 0-60 in 2.8 seconds? A Bugatti Veyron
What's moderately affordable and gets 60mpg? A Toyota Prius
What's old, clunky, and goes from 0-crash in 5 seconds? Windows 95
DOS never crashed for me, or any of the thousands of computers it was on in a corporate setting (years back granted). The software ON DOS sometimes locked up but DOS seems to always work well. JM2C
O_O I'm putting all that in a scripting file, putting that script inside an exe, and turning it into some random "syshost.exe" pseudovirus, and putting it in my friend's startup, just for fun 
EDIT:
Just saw your post WindowsStar... you have a point, or maybe I could replace it with Windows Vista :P hahahahaha
EDIT:
Just saw your post WindowsStar... you have a point, or maybe I could replace it with Windows Vista :P hahahahaha
YOU ,may get killed by the friend .. or wish he had killed you... lol
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Benjamin Hall O_O I'm putting all that in a scripting file, putting that script inside an exe, and turning it into some random "syshost.exe" pseudovirus, and putting it in my friend's startup, just for fun
EDIT:
Just saw your post WindowsStar... you have a point, or maybe I could replace it with Windows Vista :P hahahahaha
EDIT:
Just saw your post WindowsStar... you have a point, or maybe I could replace it with Windows Vista :P hahahahaha
Code:
Say="You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, you couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions printed on the heel. You are a canker, an open wound. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You took your last vacation in the Islets of Langerhans. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. I take that back; you are a festering pustule on a weasel's rump. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. You are a technicolor yawn. And did I mention that you smell? You are a squeaking rat, a mistake of nature and a heavy-metal bagpipe player. You were not born. You were hatched into an unwilling world that rejects the likes of you. You didn't crawl out of a normal egg, either, but rather a mutant maggot egg rejected by an evil scientist as being below his low standards. Your alleged parents abandoned you at birth and then died of shame in recognition of what they had done to an unsuspecting world. They were a bit late. Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it ever so much more rapidly. If cluelessness were crude oil, your scalp would be crawling with caribou. You are a thick-headed trog. I have seen skeet with more sense than you have. You are a few bricks short of a full load, a few cards short of a full deck, a few bytes short of a full core dump, and a few chromosomes short of a full human. Worse than that, you top-post. God created houseflies, cockroaches, maggots, mosquitos, fleas, ticks, slugs, leeches, and intestinal parasites, then he lowered his standards and made you. I take it back; God didn't make you. You are Satan's spawn. You are Evil beyond comprehension, half-living in the slough of despair. You are the entropy which will claim us all. You are a green-nostriled, crossed eyed, hairy-livered inbred trout-defiler. You make Ebola look good. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are not ANSI compliant and your markup doesn't validate. You have a couple of address lines shorted together. You should be promoted to Engineering Manager. Do you really expect your delusional and incoherent ramblings to be read? Everyone plonked you long ago. Do you fantasize that your tantrums and conniption fits could possibly be worth the $0.000000001 worth of electricity used to send them? Your life is one big W.O.M.B.A.T. and your future doesn't look promising either. We need to trace your bloodline and terminate all siblings and cousins in order to cleanse humanity of your polluted genes. The good news is that no normal human would ever mate with you, so we won't have to go into the sewers in search of your git. You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a loathsome disease, a drooling inbred cross-eyed toesucker. You make Quakers shout and strike Pentecostals silent. You have a version 1.0 mind in a version 6.12 world. Your mother had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get your dog to play with you. You think that The Insult File Version 6.12 is the name of a rock and. You believe that P.D.Q. Bach is the greatest composer who ever lived. You prefer L. Ron Hubbard to Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. Hee-Haw is too deep for you. You would watch test patterns all day if the other inmates would let you. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. Spammers look down on you. Phone sex operators hang up on you. Telemarketers refuse to be seen in public with you. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. May you choke on your own foolish opinions. You are a Pusillanimous galactophage and you wear your sister's training bra. Don't bother opening the door when you leave - you should be able to slime your way out underneath. I hope that when you get home your mother runs out from under the porch and bites you. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty ****ing oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking half-twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You bloody churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. May your spouse be blessed with many *******s. You are so clueless that if you dressed in a clue skin, doused yourself in clue musk, and did the clue dance in the middle of a field of horny clues at the height of clue mating season, you still would not have a clue. If you were a movie you would be a double feature; Battlefield Earth and Moron Movies II. You would be out of focus. You are a fiend and a sniveling coward, and you have bad breath. You are the unholy spawn of a bandy-legged hobo and a syphilitic camel. You wear strangely mismatched clothing with oddly placed stains. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just knowing that you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. You are jetsam who dreams of becoming flotsam. You won't make it. I beg for sweet death to come and remove me from a world which became unbearable when you crawled out of a harpy's lair. It is hard to believe how incredibly stupid you are. Stupid as a stone that the other stones make fun of. So stupid that you have traveled far beyond stupid as we know it and into a new dimension of stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid cubed. Trans-stupid stupid. Stupid collapsed to a singularity where even the stupons have collapsed into stuponium. Stupid so dense that no intelligence can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot summer day on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one minute than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. It cannot be possible that anything in our universe can really be this stupid. This is a primordial fragment from the original big stupid bang. A pure extract of stupid with absolute stupid purity. Stupid beyond the laws of nature. I must apologize. I can't go on. This is my epiphany of stupid. After this experience, you may not hear from me for a while. I don't think that I can summon the strength left to mock your moronic opinions and malformed comments about boring trivia or your other drivel. Duh. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well ... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are challenged persons in this world who find these things to be difficult. If I had known that this was true in your case then I would have never have exposed myself to what you wrote. It just wouldn't have been right. Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you. P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, atrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, EDLINoid, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dyspeptic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, and Generally Not Good. I hope this helps..." Set speech=CreateObject("sapi.spvoice") speech.Speak Say
I could, or I could put each in in it's own messagebox, and make it disable explorer.exe until the script is finished mwahahahahahahaha I can be really evil at times.
mwahahahahahahaha I can be really evil at times. BAD BADDDDD .....Not evil.. just BAD !!!!! lol ....Attachment 101426
Tickets
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
"Keep it," the clerk advises. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
"Keep it," the clerk advises. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you wan t to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your effing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you wan t to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your effing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years...
Perfect!
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DocBrown The Divorced Barbie Doll
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
This one is great!
I did NOT know this...
The Silent Generation are people born before 1946.
The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and1959
Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1989.
Generation Y are people born between 1990 and now.
Why do we call the last one generation " Y "?
Attachment 102011
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humour and a bad memory.
The Silent Generation are people born before 1946.
The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and1959
Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1989.
Generation Y are people born between 1990 and now.
Why do we call the last one generation " Y "?
Attachment 102011
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humour and a bad memory.
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Only the Best
"Ours is a good restaurant," said the manager. "If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and..."
"I believe you," said the customer. "I ordered a small steak."
"Ours is a good restaurant," said the manager. "If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and..."
"I believe you," said the customer. "I ordered a small steak."
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Rachel arrives first, wearing an Alannah Hill outfit. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Clare arrives shortly afterward, in Sass & Bide. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old T-shirt, jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving Lauriston and graduating from Melbourne Uni Arts, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has two beautiful daughters. Timothy is a partner at Mallesons. They live in a large house in Toorak, where Charlotte and Emma, their daughters also have their tennis lessons. They have a holiday house in Portsea and regularly ski in Canada.
Clare relates she graduated from Monash Medicine and became a orthapaedic surgeon. Her husband, Edward, is a high profile Macquarie investment banker. They live in a Brighton beachfront mansion and have a holiday flat in Little Cove, Noosa.
Samantha explains she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in the Byron Bay hinterland and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Half way down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out her husband is actually a bank teller at Commonwealth Bank. They live in a small house in Mitcham and have a caravan for their holidays at Tootgarook.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Edward are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Rosanna and take holiday camping trips to Torquay.
Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Clare arrives shortly afterward, in Sass & Bide. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old T-shirt, jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving Lauriston and graduating from Melbourne Uni Arts, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has two beautiful daughters. Timothy is a partner at Mallesons. They live in a large house in Toorak, where Charlotte and Emma, their daughters also have their tennis lessons. They have a holiday house in Portsea and regularly ski in Canada.
Clare relates she graduated from Monash Medicine and became a orthapaedic surgeon. Her husband, Edward, is a high profile Macquarie investment banker. They live in a Brighton beachfront mansion and have a holiday flat in Little Cove, Noosa.
Samantha explains she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in the Byron Bay hinterland and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Half way down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out her husband is actually a bank teller at Commonwealth Bank. They live in a small house in Mitcham and have a caravan for their holidays at Tootgarook.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Edward are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Rosanna and take holiday camping trips to Torquay.
Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
From the University of Georgia
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100 and If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.)
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20." so drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected...
They would still drink for free...
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'...
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33...
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer..
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before...
And the first four continued to drink for free...
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man", but he got $10"!
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I"!
"That's true" shouted the seventh man! "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks"!
"Wait a minute", yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor"!
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Amazing Bar Stool Economics
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100 and If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.)
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20." so drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected...
They would still drink for free...
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'...
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33...
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer..
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before...
And the first four continued to drink for free...
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man", but he got $10"!
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I"!
"That's true" shouted the seventh man! "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks"!
"Wait a minute", yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor"!
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Amazing Bar Stool Economics
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't
heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt
in the mirror I will think,
�Good grief, look how smart I am!�
Must be where �Smart Ass� came from!
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't
heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt
in the mirror I will think,
�Good grief, look how smart I am!�
Must be where �Smart Ass� came from!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't
heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt
in the mirror I will think,
�Good grief, look how smart I am!�
Must be where �Smart Ass� came from!
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't
heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt
in the mirror I will think,
�Good grief, look how smart I am!�
Must be where �Smart Ass� came from!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't
heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt
in the mirror I will think,
�Good grief, look how smart I am!�
Must be where �Smart Ass� came from!
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't
heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt
in the mirror I will think,
�Good grief, look how smart I am!�
Must be where �Smart Ass� came from!
Women: Just As Stupid As Men
As a woman, I feel it's my duty to defend the honor of women. Surely it's beyond question that women are as stupid as men are. Perhaps not in the idea department; I'll concede to men on that one. But in the broader scope of stupidity, women are every bit the equals of men. Here are just a few examples.
We marry men whose apartments could be mistaken for the village dump. Then we act appalled at their hamper-impaired behavior.
High heels.
We never give up trying to train men to put the seat down, replace the toilet paper, or go through the motions of aiming.
Pantyhose.
We fall for the "I don't know how to use the washer/dryer" ruse. (Actually, this one's a draw: Men fall for our "I'm too weak to take out the garbage/carry the groceries/operate the lawn mower" ruse.)
ThighMasters
We sob and ask "Whatever shall I do?" Then we get angry when men give us advice instead of comfort.
The Wonderbra
We gaze at an actress with the latest, grungy "dirty hair-do." Then we pay big bucks to have it too.
Tummy Tucks
We attempt to win battles with our mothers-in-law.
Other Tucks.
We brawl over the last, torn, buttonless item on the "final sales" rack.
Mini-skirts after age 25.
Despite the invention of the answering machine, we still wait by the phone.
The one-size-smaller incentive plan.
When driving far from home and hopelessly lost, we dare to mention asking for directions.
Breast implants.
We imagine if we drop enough hints, men will surprise us with just the right gift.
Hip huggers, hot pants, platform shoes, spandex, Evita fashions, and the upper arm girdle.
This is but a tiny sampling of female stupidity. No doubt, I've foolishly forgotten many obvious examples. But even this short list proves my point: Women are at least as stupid as men are.
- - -
The best flow chart ever
Never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
When top level people look down, they see only s**theads;
When bottom level people look up, they see only ass holes...
Never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
When top level people look down, they see only s**theads;
When bottom level people look up, they see only ass holes...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by echrada The best flow chart ever
Never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
When top level people look down, they see only s**theads;
When bottom level people look up, they see only ass holes...
Never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
When top level people look down, they see only s**theads;
When bottom level people look up, they see only ass holes...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by echrada The best flow chart ever
Never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
When top level people look down, they see only s**theads;
When bottom level people look up, they see only ass holes...
Never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
When top level people look down, they see only s**theads;
When bottom level people look up, they see only ass holes...
International Marketing - Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
Marcel Rigadin reports that Toyota makes the MR2, which in France is pronounced "merd�" or spelled 'merdeux', means "crappy".
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."
In Germany, the introduction of the "Mist Stick" was met with slow sales, until advertisers discovered that "mist" is slang for "crap."
The european hardware store chain "G�tzen" opened a mall in Istanbul. "G�t" means "ass" in Turkish. They changed the name to "Tekzen".
Waterpik uses another name in Denmark. "Pik" is the common Danish word for male genitals. Most Danes can easily translate "water" to the danish word "vand". And "vandpik" is a term for the morning erection.
Traficante is an Italian brand of mineral water. In Spanish, it means drug dealer.
Pizza Hut is advertising their new dish, a calzone they named the P'Zone. It is pronounced like "pez�n", the Spanish word for "nipple".
Car maker Honda introduced their new car "Fitta" in the Nordic countries during 2001, only to find out that "fitta" is an old word, currently used in vulgar language to refer to a woman's genitals in Swedish, Norwegian and Danish. It was renamed to "Honda Jazz" for the Nordic market.
In Italy "sega" is the unofficial but most popular name for the act of male masturbation. So, the popular videogame makers SEGA Enterprises, attempting to disassociate SEGA from sega, changed the pronunciation to "see-ga" in their ads, as if to educate Italians about proper English (or Japanese?) pronunciation.
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" ("vuela en cuero") in Spanish!
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose" into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
The Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux tried to sell its goods in America but didn't help itself with this slogan, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Sales were very poor. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
Stevadores in an unnamed African port, seeing the international --but evidently not universal!-- symbol for 'fragile' (a wine glass with snapped stem) presumed it meant that some idiot had sent a cargo of broken glass. So they obligingly pitched all the cases overboard into the harbour!
The band Garbage, on tour in Russia found they had to replace most of their equipment when airport baggage handlers, seeing "Garbage" on the equipment cases, proceeded to throw them away.
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Mitsubishi had to rename its Pajero automobile because the word is a vulgar spanish term for a masturbating man.
Nike offended Muslims in June, 1997 when the "flaming air" logo for its Nike Air sneakers looked too similar to the Arabic form of God's name, "Allah". Nike pulled more than 38,000 pairs of sneakers from the market.
For their series of landcruisers, Nissan Company invented an apparently meaningless word borrowed from the Spanish "pajaro" (bird). They named it "Pachero". This means ****er in South America.
Puffs tissues allegedly had trouble in Germany due to their name being a colloquial term for a house of ill-repute (prostitution).
Nissan's minivan Moco doesn't do so well in Spanish-speaking markets. Especially green ones. Distributors in Santiago, Chile asked that the vehicle be renamed since Moco is the Spanish word for mucous.
Locum is a Swedish company. In 1991, they sent Christmas cards to all of their customers. They thought they would give their logo a little holiday spirit, by substituting a little heart for the letter "o". For some reason, they also used all lowercase letters. The lowercase "L" can therefore be easily misunderstood to be an "i", and the locum logo looked like one of those "I love ..." bumper stickers, with an unfortunate pornographic sentiment to it.
Matsushita Electric was promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic had developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system user-friendly, licensed the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker as the Internet guide. Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product. A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely. The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what touch woody and pecker meant in American slang.
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
Marcel Rigadin reports that Toyota makes the MR2, which in France is pronounced "merd�" or spelled 'merdeux', means "crappy".
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."
In Germany, the introduction of the "Mist Stick" was met with slow sales, until advertisers discovered that "mist" is slang for "crap."
The european hardware store chain "G�tzen" opened a mall in Istanbul. "G�t" means "ass" in Turkish. They changed the name to "Tekzen".
Waterpik uses another name in Denmark. "Pik" is the common Danish word for male genitals. Most Danes can easily translate "water" to the danish word "vand". And "vandpik" is a term for the morning erection.
Traficante is an Italian brand of mineral water. In Spanish, it means drug dealer.
Pizza Hut is advertising their new dish, a calzone they named the P'Zone. It is pronounced like "pez�n", the Spanish word for "nipple".
Car maker Honda introduced their new car "Fitta" in the Nordic countries during 2001, only to find out that "fitta" is an old word, currently used in vulgar language to refer to a woman's genitals in Swedish, Norwegian and Danish. It was renamed to "Honda Jazz" for the Nordic market.
In Italy "sega" is the unofficial but most popular name for the act of male masturbation. So, the popular videogame makers SEGA Enterprises, attempting to disassociate SEGA from sega, changed the pronunciation to "see-ga" in their ads, as if to educate Italians about proper English (or Japanese?) pronunciation.
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" ("vuela en cuero") in Spanish!
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose" into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
The Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux tried to sell its goods in America but didn't help itself with this slogan, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Sales were very poor. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
Stevadores in an unnamed African port, seeing the international --but evidently not universal!-- symbol for 'fragile' (a wine glass with snapped stem) presumed it meant that some idiot had sent a cargo of broken glass. So they obligingly pitched all the cases overboard into the harbour!
The band Garbage, on tour in Russia found they had to replace most of their equipment when airport baggage handlers, seeing "Garbage" on the equipment cases, proceeded to throw them away.
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Mitsubishi had to rename its Pajero automobile because the word is a vulgar spanish term for a masturbating man.
Nike offended Muslims in June, 1997 when the "flaming air" logo for its Nike Air sneakers looked too similar to the Arabic form of God's name, "Allah". Nike pulled more than 38,000 pairs of sneakers from the market.
For their series of landcruisers, Nissan Company invented an apparently meaningless word borrowed from the Spanish "pajaro" (bird). They named it "Pachero". This means ****er in South America.
Puffs tissues allegedly had trouble in Germany due to their name being a colloquial term for a house of ill-repute (prostitution).
Nissan's minivan Moco doesn't do so well in Spanish-speaking markets. Especially green ones. Distributors in Santiago, Chile asked that the vehicle be renamed since Moco is the Spanish word for mucous.
Locum is a Swedish company. In 1991, they sent Christmas cards to all of their customers. They thought they would give their logo a little holiday spirit, by substituting a little heart for the letter "o". For some reason, they also used all lowercase letters. The lowercase "L" can therefore be easily misunderstood to be an "i", and the locum logo looked like one of those "I love ..." bumper stickers, with an unfortunate pornographic sentiment to it.
Matsushita Electric was promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic had developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system user-friendly, licensed the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker as the Internet guide. Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product. A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely. The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what touch woody and pecker meant in American slang.
date-rape drug �..
(Be sure to watch the video at the end)
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert & stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form & is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps & in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties & bars to persuade their male victims to go home & sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer & then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women to whom they normally would never be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude & punishment referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered & sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this Beer scam & the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
For a video to see how Beer works click here:
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
(Be sure to watch the video at the end)
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert & stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form & is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps & in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties & bars to persuade their male victims to go home & sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer & then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women to whom they normally would never be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude & punishment referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered & sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this Beer scam & the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
For a video to see how Beer works click here:
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
I've seen her before somewhere.......
Derek,
That was me you were trying to connect with at the pub....
Couldn't you tell it was me.....the one with the deep voice!
That was me you were trying to connect with at the pub....
Couldn't you tell it was me.....the one with the deep voice!
I just thought you were a heavy smoker.....
�� Quote: Originally Posted by derekimo I just thought you were a heavy smoker.....
For once in you lifetime, you thought!!!!!
I've seen worse. 
(Unfortunately...)
(Unfortunately...)
I never drink.. I want to KNOW ...if I've had a good time..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 I never drink.. I want to KNOW ...if I've had a good time..
prof hi.... thanks very much.. that's just been my policy for all these years.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Techymike This is a JOKE.. Enjoy !!!
Three West Indians on Death Row.
Have a chuckle..... >Three West Indians on Death Row are waiting to
be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal-:
The Bajan responds, "Flying fish."
The warden serves him his Flying fish, and then escorts him to his
execution.
The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork.
The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his
execution.
The Trini requests a bag of plums.
"Plums???"
"Yes, plums."
The warden replies, "but them outa season!"
"So?" replies the Trini. "Ah go wait..."
Three West Indians on Death Row.
Have a chuckle..... >Three West Indians on Death Row are waiting to
be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal-:
The Bajan responds, "Flying fish."
The warden serves him his Flying fish, and then escorts him to his
execution.
The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork.
The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his
execution.
The Trini requests a bag of plums.
"Plums???"
"Yes, plums."
The warden replies, "but them outa season!"
"So?" replies the Trini. "Ah go wait..."
Try this on a good friend.
Ask them if they have ever seen an Axxhole wrapped in plastic?
Most people then reply no I have not.
Then ask them to show you their drivers License.
Maybe this one is just funny for Military humor, but it works every time!
Ask them if they have ever seen an Axxhole wrapped in plastic?
Most people then reply no I have not.
Then ask them to show you their drivers License.
Maybe this one is just funny for Military humor, but it works every time!
Little bunny goes to a bakery and says:
Hello, do you have loaves small small ?
Baker responds that he has no small small loaves.
Next day same story. On the third day, the baker felt sorry for the bunny and makes small small loaves. Rabbit appears, as usual, and ask about loaves small small.
The baker said : - Yes , little bunny, I have loaves small small.
- And who buy them? said the little bunny.
Hello, do you have loaves small small ?
Baker responds that he has no small small loaves.
Next day same story. On the third day, the baker felt sorry for the bunny and makes small small loaves. Rabbit appears, as usual, and ask about loaves small small.
The baker said : - Yes , little bunny, I have loaves small small.
- And who buy them? said the little bunny.
I guess one has to be from Bucharest.
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Those were great, UKDingo!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by UKDingo Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Idle Thoughts.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it�
I had amnesia once�or twice�
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses� sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height�which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it�
I had amnesia once�or twice�
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses� sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height�which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
You've done it again, BB!
That's excellent, BB.
BB....I think it's all of the ABOVE... lol ... that's a real goodie. !!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Idle Thoughts.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid I guess one has to be from Bucharest.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LauraM �� Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid I guess one has to be from Bucharest.
I think in California, everybody thinks of Playboy Bunnies
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DocBrown �� Quote: Originally Posted by LauraM �� Quote: Originally Posted by Bare Foot Kid I guess one has to be from Bucharest.
I think in California, everybody thinks of Playboy Bunnies
Perverted People Where are you in the line?
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver,
and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings ,
Montana , which is about 550 miles from here."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver,
and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings ,
Montana , which is about 550 miles from here."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Where are you in the line?
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver,
and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings ,
Montana , which is about 550 miles from here."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver,
and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings ,
Montana , which is about 550 miles from here."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him
My elbow hurts like hell.Iguess I'd better go see a doctor
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a
urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than
a doctor.
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample...He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Joe began
to wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Costco!
My elbow hurts like hell.Iguess I'd better go see a doctor
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a
urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than
a doctor.
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample...He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Joe began
to wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Costco!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him
My elbow hurts like hell.Iguess I'd better go see a doctor
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a
urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than
a doctor.
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample...He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Joe began
to wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Costco!
My elbow hurts like hell.Iguess I'd better go see a doctor
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a
urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than
a doctor.
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample...He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Joe began
to wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Costco!
Funny thing about bunnies. My 2 year old son saw some Llamas this weekend at the circus and he kept calling them bunnies due to the ears and no matter what, he could not get past they looked like bunnies to him. It was very cute.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Techymike Funny thing about bunnies. My 2 year old son saw some Llamas this weekend at the circus and he kept calling them bunnies due to the ears and no matter what, he could not get past they looked like bunnies to him. It was very cute.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by spinifex �� Quote: Originally Posted by Techymike Funny thing about bunnies. My 2 year old son saw some Llamas this weekend at the circus and he kept calling them bunnies due to the ears and no matter what, he could not get past they looked like bunnies to him. It was very cute.
Your son must be so cute I think he is cute.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Techymike I think he is cute.
. �� Quote: Originally Posted by LauraM �� Quote: Originally Posted by Techymike I think he is cute.
. �� Quote: Originally Posted by LauraM He is cute and handsome. .
.�� Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 +1 Definitely.
(What? They mean that kid of Mike's? Not me?)
Well...
...he sure is!
Australian Female Compassion ��
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms & no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi & an Australian woman, were walking past & felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said: 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a hug & walked on.
The Kiwi woman said: 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a kiss & walked on.
The Australian woman came to him & said: 'Have you ever been screwed?' The man broke into a big smile & said: 'No.'
She said: 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms & no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi & an Australian woman, were walking past & felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said: 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a hug & walked on.
The Kiwi woman said: 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a kiss & walked on.
The Australian woman came to him & said: 'Have you ever been screwed?' The man broke into a big smile & said: 'No.'
She said: 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Australian Female Compassion ��
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms & no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi & an Australian woman, were walking past & felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said: 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a hug & walked on.
The Kiwi woman said: 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a kiss & walked on.
The Australian woman came to him & said: 'Have you ever been screwed?' The man broke into a big smile & said: 'No.'
She said: 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms & no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi & an Australian woman, were walking past & felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said: 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a hug & walked on.
The Kiwi woman said: 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a kiss & walked on.
The Australian woman came to him & said: 'Have you ever been screwed?' The man broke into a big smile & said: 'No.'
She said: 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Oh me, ROFLMAO!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Australian Female Compassion ��
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms & no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi & an Australian woman, were walking past & felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said: 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a hug & walked on.
The Kiwi woman said: 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a kiss & walked on.
The Australian woman came to him & said: 'Have you ever been screwed?' The man broke into a big smile & said: 'No.'
She said: 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms & no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi & an Australian woman, were walking past & felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said: 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a hug & walked on.
The Kiwi woman said: 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said: 'No,' so she gave him a kiss & walked on.
The Australian woman came to him & said: 'Have you ever been screwed?' The man broke into a big smile & said: 'No.'
She said: 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Techymike I think he is cute.
Yes he's very cute also, A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1..0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1..0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1..0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1..0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Techymike I think he is cute.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1..0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1..0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
Oh, and
A North Carolina State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves A North Carolina State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.
Hilarious!
A very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her
�Stammerers Action Group�.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
�That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.�
�How about you, Paddy?�
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London."
�Brilliant, Paddy!� said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
was getting nowhere with her
�Stammerers Action Group�.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
�That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.�
�How about you, Paddy?�
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London."
�Brilliant, Paddy!� said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
Lol. It must be the luck of the Irish!
> A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, �Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.�
>
> Passenger: �Who?�
>
> Cabbie: �Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.�
>
> Passenger: �There are always a few clouds over everybody.�
>
> Cabbie: �Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.�
>
> Passenger: �Sounds like he was something really special.�
>
> Cabbie: �There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.�
>
> Passenger: �Wow, some guy then.�
>
> Cabbie: �He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.�
>
> Passenger: �An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?�
>
> Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his frigin wife.�
>
> Passenger: �Who?�
>
> Cabbie: �Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.�
>
> Passenger: �There are always a few clouds over everybody.�
>
> Cabbie: �Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.�
>
> Passenger: �Sounds like he was something really special.�
>
> Cabbie: �There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.�
>
> Passenger: �Wow, some guy then.�
>
> Cabbie: �He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.�
>
> Passenger: �An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?�
>
> Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his frigin wife.�
Ah, Computers!
We've all seen the Bill Gates line*, "640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for anybody", so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
*though he denies saying it.
"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." --Joseph Campbell
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." --Mitch Ratliffe
"A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs." --Solomon Short
"All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer." --IBM maintenance manual, 1925
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." --Pablo Picasso
"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf." --Sam Ewing
"Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins." --Robert Heinlein (in The Moon is a Harsh Mistress)
"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." --Jeff Pesis
"It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods." --Geraldine Ferraro
"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." --Wernher von Braun
"No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either." --Marvin Minsky
"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse." --Jack Handey
"There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer." --J.H. Goldfuss
"They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction." --Janet Reno
"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." --Nathaniel Borenstein
"To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so." --Robert Orben
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." --Gene Spafford
"Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now!" --Homer Simpson
We've all seen the Bill Gates line*, "640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for anybody", so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
*though he denies saying it.
"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." --Joseph Campbell
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." --Mitch Ratliffe
"A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs." --Solomon Short
"All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer." --IBM maintenance manual, 1925
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." --Pablo Picasso
"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf." --Sam Ewing
"Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins." --Robert Heinlein (in The Moon is a Harsh Mistress)
"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." --Jeff Pesis
"It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods." --Geraldine Ferraro
"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." --Wernher von Braun
"No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either." --Marvin Minsky
"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse." --Jack Handey
"There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer." --J.H. Goldfuss
"They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction." --Janet Reno
"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." --Nathaniel Borenstein
"To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so." --Robert Orben
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." --Gene Spafford
"Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now!" --Homer Simpson
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves > A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, �Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.�
>
> Passenger: �Who?�
>
> Cabbie: �Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.�
>
> Passenger: �There are always a few clouds over everybody.�
>
> Cabbie: �Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.�
>
> Passenger: �Sounds like he was something really special.�
>
> Cabbie: �There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.�
>
> Passenger: �Wow, some guy then.�
>
> Cabbie: �He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.�
>
> Passenger: �An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?�
>
> Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his frigin wife.�
>
> Passenger: �Who?�
>
> Cabbie: �Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.�
>
> Passenger: �There are always a few clouds over everybody.�
>
> Cabbie: �Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.�
>
> Passenger: �Sounds like he was something really special.�
>
> Cabbie: �There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.�
>
> Passenger: �Wow, some guy then.�
>
> Cabbie: �He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.�
>
> Passenger: �An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?�
>
> Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his frigin wife.�
I had heard this before and it is still hilarious!!Good ones, BrightBlessings!
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
Simper Fi
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Attachment 106004
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
Simper Fi
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
Simper Fi
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Attachment 106004
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
Semper Fi
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
Semper Fi
This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and
Is from North Africa.
So if you
Are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
Yourself, remember:
It could be worse, you could look like an old penis
With buck teeth.
Is from North Africa.
So if you
Are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
Yourself, remember:
It could be worse, you could look like an old penis
With buck teeth.
Aww. But Kim's Rufus looked so cute!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and
Is from North Africa.
Attachment 106035
Attachment 106036
So if you
Are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
Yourself, remember:
It could be worse, you could look like an old penis
With buck teeth.
Is from North Africa.
Attachment 106035
Attachment 106036
So if you
Are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
Yourself, remember:
It could be worse, you could look like an old penis
With buck teeth.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "may I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "may I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
A rich businessman was playing golf on a field very close to his house. He noticed a strange man with a large briefcase, and introduced himself due to his curiosity. The businessman discovered the strange man was a hitman, and inside his briefcase was an impressively large sniper rifle.
The businessman asked the hitman about his rates, and the hitman informed him that each shot would cost him $1000.
"Excellent," the businessman said, "I am aware of the fact that my wife regularly cheats on me with my neighbor, so I want you to shoot her in the head. Also, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, so he could never have sex again."
The hitman got out his sniper, and the businessman pointed to his house, which was visible from the golf field. The hitman aimed at a window, and stood there for a long time. The businessman grew impatient and said, "hurry up, take the shot!"
The hitman replied, "hold on, I'm trying to save you a grand here!"
The businessman asked the hitman about his rates, and the hitman informed him that each shot would cost him $1000.
"Excellent," the businessman said, "I am aware of the fact that my wife regularly cheats on me with my neighbor, so I want you to shoot her in the head. Also, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, so he could never have sex again."
The hitman got out his sniper, and the businessman pointed to his house, which was visible from the golf field. The hitman aimed at a window, and stood there for a long time. The businessman grew impatient and said, "hurry up, take the shot!"
The hitman replied, "hold on, I'm trying to save you a grand here!"
A little girl is walking down the street when suddenly a little boy jumps out of the bushes holding his junk. He shouts "YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE! YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE!!"
The little girl runs home crying.
The next day the same girl is walking down the street when suddenly the same little boy jumps out of the bushes holding his junk and shouting "YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE! YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE!!"
The little girl pulls up her dress and says "My Mommy says as long as I have one of THESE, I can get as many of THOSE as I want."
The little girl runs home crying.
The next day the same girl is walking down the street when suddenly the same little boy jumps out of the bushes holding his junk and shouting "YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE! YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE!!"
The little girl pulls up her dress and says "My Mommy says as long as I have one of THESE, I can get as many of THOSE as I want."
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
Number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's
Station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
Good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh**."
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
Number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's
Station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
Good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh**."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
Number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's
Station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
Good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh**."
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
Number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's
Station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
Good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh**."
Here, here.. to anyone who has expereinced this ...
I went a pretty poor zoo recently..
it wasn't much good, they only had one dog..
- it was a Shih-Tzu..
it wasn't much good, they only had one dog..
- it was a Shih-Tzu..
The royal guards of Tibet!
Dogmop!
cows �..
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, they said, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales"
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, they said, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings cows �..
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, they said, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales"
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, they said, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales"
Irish Alzheimers
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
GREAT TRUTHS THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8)You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8)You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
A whole of of truth in those, Joan.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Joan Archer THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by MattRainier "After you stop believing in Santa Claus, your whole life goes downhill."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 A Bear and a Rabbit are walking through the woods.
The Bear asks the Rabbit "You ever have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit says "nope."
They walk a little farther and the Bear says "You sure you don't have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit says "no."
The Bear says "Great!", grabs the Rabbit and wipes his rear with him.
The Bear asks the Rabbit "You ever have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit says "nope."
They walk a little farther and the Bear says "You sure you don't have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit says "no."
The Bear says "Great!", grabs the Rabbit and wipes his rear with him.
"My wife hops on her menstrual cycle and runs my ass over..."
My wife is a famous porn star......
But she would be pissed if she ever found out!
But she would be pissed if she ever found out!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kirsch My wife is a famous porn star......
But she would be pissed if she ever found out!
But she would be pissed if she ever found out!
So a farmer is driving his truck down an old dusty road when a cop pulls him over and says "Excuse me sir, but your wife fell out of your truck about a quarter mile back!" The farmer looks at the cop and says "REALLY?! Oh thank god, I thought I had gone deaf!"
When a man falls overboard, you say "Man overboard!"
When his wife falls overboard, you say "FULL SPEED AHEAD!"
Yeah...thats the best I have in my arsenal...
When a man falls overboard, you say "Man overboard!"
When his wife falls overboard, you say "FULL SPEED AHEAD!"
Yeah...thats the best I have in my arsenal...
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial
Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the
editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a
correction the next day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial
Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the
editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a
correction the next day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
Excellent Joan.
Hilarious, Joan; I'm still laughing!
I think they shouldn't proof read them too well.
Its things like these that makes newspapers interesting.
Its things like these that makes newspapers interesting.
A blonde walking by a road,
Sees a board saying "50% of blondes are dumb!"
She is filled with anger, she thinks,
And thinks,
And thinks,
And thinks,
And thinks,.....
At last she edits the board saying, "50% of blondes are dumb!"
to "50% of blondes are >Not< dumb!".
Sees a board saying "50% of blondes are dumb!"
She is filled with anger, she thinks,
And thinks,
And thinks,
And thinks,
And thinks,.....
At last she edits the board saying, "50% of blondes are dumb!"
to "50% of blondes are >Not< dumb!".
A man went to a urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his 'old fella' sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his 'old fella' sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
Love it
Not many people know of this interesting fact!
In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first..
In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Not many people know of this interesting fact!
In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first..
In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first..
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Not many people know of this interesting fact!
In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first..
In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first..
it is wrong.... New Zealand. Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
Its not as funny when it not coming from either a Kiwi or Aussie...
Its even less funny when it was already posted on the Jokes Thread 1.
It still is funny, because BB and I could go on for hours tossing Kiwi-Aussie jokes around
Its even less funny when it was already posted on the Jokes Thread 1.
It still is funny, because BB and I could go on for hours tossing Kiwi-Aussie jokes around
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden Its not as funny when it not coming from either a Kiwi or Aussie...
Its even less funny when it was already posted on the Jokes Thread 1.
It still is funny, because BB and I could go on for hours tossing Kiwi-Aussie jokes around
Its even less funny when it was already posted on the Jokes Thread 1.
It still is funny, because BB and I could go on for hours tossing Kiwi-Aussie jokes around
No worries, mate. Maybe I just havnt had my morning coffee yet...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by lorddenis �� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Not many people know of this interesting fact!
In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first..
In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Thorsen it is wrong.... New Zealand. Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Thorsen ... I am from the south though, so this behavior is not unheard of..... (This happens alot in Southern US...)
I believe the last guestimate was 4:1 sheep per person.
Isnt that about the same for cows in Texas?
Isnt that about the same for cows in Texas?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden Its not as funny when it not coming from either a Kiwi or Aussie...
Its even less funny when it was already posted on the Jokes Thread 1.
It still is funny, because BB and I could go on for hours tossing Kiwi-Aussie jokes around
Its even less funny when it was already posted on the Jokes Thread 1.
It still is funny, because BB and I could go on for hours tossing Kiwi-Aussie jokes around
What's the difference between a Kiwi and a computer?
With a computer you only have to punch the information in once.
The Benefits of Growing Older
You can eat dinner at 4:00 pm.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People who call at 9 p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"
You send money to PBS.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You bought cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You can eat dinner at 4:00 pm.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People who call at 9 p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"
You send money to PBS.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You bought cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
I can relate!
BrightB's isn't that the truth ????.. so funny ,but true ...
The Blonde strikes again!
A man who was just murdered is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a
blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband >in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
>excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her
>astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
>
>'There's no charge,' she says.
>
>'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'
>she says.
>
>'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
>gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
>yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
>minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made
>no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'
A man who was just murdered is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a
blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband >in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
>excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her
>astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
>
>'There's no charge,' she says.
>
>'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'
>she says.
>
>'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
>gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
>yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
>minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made
>no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'
... I was all like, ok, the punchline's gonna be that she switched the suits... and then, WHAM.
Now for some terrible one-liners.
You know you need a different lawyer when he tells you his last good case was a Budweiser.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
What's the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.
And finally:
xD
Now for some terrible one-liners.
You know you need a different lawyer when he tells you his last good case was a Budweiser.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
What's the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.
And finally:
Quote:
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves The Blonde strikes again!
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'
No I didn't! Having a good laugh here ...
But one small comment .... "his junk"?
I know we males are not doing that well just now but
how about replacing this put down description with "his pride",
or "his glory", or "his jewels" ....
But one small comment .... "his junk"?
I know we males are not doing that well just now but
how about replacing this put down description with "his pride",
or "his glory", or "his jewels" ....
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Joan Archer At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
.
.
Simon, a customer, visits PC Shop, the computer store, 'I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics; you know, something really challenging.'
'Well,' replies the shop assistant, 'Have you tried Windows Vista?'
'Well,' replies the shop assistant, 'Have you tried Windows Vista?'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Bugsy Simon, a customer, visits PC Shop, the computer store, 'I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics; you know, something really challenging.'
'Well,' replies the shop assistant, 'Have you tried Windows Vista?'
'Well,' replies the shop assistant, 'Have you tried Windows Vista?'
I dont mean to offend any vista user's who might be hiding out there, I mean... I was once a vista user not fan but user
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
'Known issue' - It's just the solution that is unknown.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Hold down the Numb Lock. Now phone 555-1212-4590 and ask for Lulu.
Path not found. Try the grass shortcut.
Kennel stack overflow problem. Your new Patch is now available. Call at the vet and collect your dog.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Hold down the Numb Lock. Now phone 555-1212-4590 and ask for Lulu.
Path not found. Try the grass shortcut.
Kennel stack overflow problem. Your new Patch is now available. Call at the vet and collect your dog.
FILE EXTENSIONS;
.bin = Trash collector
.dic = Private eye
.fav = Boot licker
.gem = Jeweller
.ico = Office pin-up
.mam = Midwife
.mapi = Planning officer
.png = Table Tennis Champion
.pub = Alcoholic
.rat = Spy
.snd = Disk Jockey
.sys = Sister
.tiff = Marriage guidance counsellor
.wav = Cheerleader
.wiz = Magician
.bin = Trash collector
.dic = Private eye
.fav = Boot licker
.gem = Jeweller
.ico = Office pin-up
.mam = Midwife
.mapi = Planning officer
.png = Table Tennis Champion
.pub = Alcoholic
.rat = Spy
.snd = Disk Jockey
.sys = Sister
.tiff = Marriage guidance counsellor
.wav = Cheerleader
.wiz = Magician
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he replied, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
When asked to define "great" he replied, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I'm quite sad really ain't I, I have a list of jokes as long as my arm that i have had for about a year now that i got from work
While my next door neighbour, Ian, was tapping away on his home computer, his seven year old son, Nathan, sneaked up behind him.
Then Nathan turned and ran downstairs into the kitchen, bellowing to the rest of the family, 'I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!
''What is it?' Mia, his elder sister asked gently but eagerly.
Proudly Nathan shouted, 'It's asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.'
Then Nathan turned and ran downstairs into the kitchen, bellowing to the rest of the family, 'I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!
''What is it?' Mia, his elder sister asked gently but eagerly.
Proudly Nathan shouted, 'It's asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.'
PRACTICAL JOKES;
Tape over the optical sensor of your friend's mouse.
Variation of this idea. Unplug the original mouse. Plug in a fake mouse. When they check the connection it seems to be working. One from Dr Devious.
Alter someone's Word Autocorrect.
Launch Word for Windows.
Find 'Proofing settings'. Make changes to AutoCorrect, e.g.
a to ye.
I to you.
On someone else's machine press set High Contrast mode
Press: Shift + ALT + PrintScreen.
Note 1: You need Shift and not Ctrl. Also use the Left Alt and not the right.
Note 2: To Undo press the same combination: Shift + ALT + Printscreen.
Note 3: Learn from this madness by checking out the Ease of access settings in Control Panel.
Variation, turn on Narrator and drive the computer user mad. Control Panel --> Ease of access.
You could edit the host file entry to direct google.com to a different site. [You need some technical expertise to edit:
C: \Windows\System32\drivers\etc ]
Naughty naughty!!
Tape over the optical sensor of your friend's mouse.
Variation of this idea. Unplug the original mouse. Plug in a fake mouse. When they check the connection it seems to be working. One from Dr Devious.
Alter someone's Word Autocorrect.
Launch Word for Windows.
Find 'Proofing settings'. Make changes to AutoCorrect, e.g.
a to ye.
I to you.
On someone else's machine press set High Contrast mode
Press: Shift + ALT + PrintScreen.
Note 1: You need Shift and not Ctrl. Also use the Left Alt and not the right.
Note 2: To Undo press the same combination: Shift + ALT + Printscreen.
Note 3: Learn from this madness by checking out the Ease of access settings in Control Panel.
Variation, turn on Narrator and drive the computer user mad. Control Panel --> Ease of access.
You could edit the host file entry to direct google.com to a different site. [You need some technical expertise to edit:
C: \Windows\System32\drivers\etc ]
Naughty naughty!!
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers: "What does it mean to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."
A supermarket. 10 AM. A blonde is standing very still in the middle of the aisle, holding a can of orange juice, looking it very intensively, not a muscle moving in her face.
12 PM. She's still there.
4:30 PM. Blonde has not moved, still looking the juice can.
7:55 PM. A clerk walks to the blonde:
-"Excuse me, you have to leave now. We are closing. Anyway, you have been standing there all the day, holding that can. May I ask why?"
-"Are you stupid or what? Read what's written here.", says the blonde and shows the can to the clerk.
CONCENTRATE, reads the clerk, written in big letters on the side of the can...
12 PM. She's still there.
4:30 PM. Blonde has not moved, still looking the juice can.
7:55 PM. A clerk walks to the blonde:
-"Excuse me, you have to leave now. We are closing. Anyway, you have been standing there all the day, holding that can. May I ask why?"
-"Are you stupid or what? Read what's written here.", says the blonde and shows the can to the clerk.
CONCENTRATE, reads the clerk, written in big letters on the side of the can...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari A supermarket. 10 AM. A blonde is standing very still in the middle of the aisle, holding a can of orange juice, looking it very intensively, not a muscle moving in her face.
12 PM. She's still there.
4:30 PM. Blonde has not moved, still looking the juice can.
7:55 PM. A clerk walks to the blonde:
-"Excuse me, you have to leave now. We are closing. Anyway, you have been standing there all the day, holding that can. May I ask why?"
-"Are you stupid or what? Read what's written here.", says the blonde and shows the can to the clerk.
CONCENTRATE, reads the clerk, written in big letters on the side of the can...
12 PM. She's still there.
4:30 PM. Blonde has not moved, still looking the juice can.
7:55 PM. A clerk walks to the blonde:
-"Excuse me, you have to leave now. We are closing. Anyway, you have been standing there all the day, holding that can. May I ask why?"
-"Are you stupid or what? Read what's written here.", says the blonde and shows the can to the clerk.
CONCENTRATE, reads the clerk, written in big letters on the side of the can...
Job Interview
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever
I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..
A golden retriever
I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever
I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..
A golden retriever
I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
Nothing yet
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
�� Quote: Originally Posted by spinifex �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever
I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..
A golden retriever
I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
Nothing yet
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by spinifex �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever
I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..
A golden retriever
I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
Nothing yet
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Seee, i told ya honey. The folk at SevenForums are brilliant and fixed it straight away.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by spinifex �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever
I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..
A golden retriever
I just hope my wife doesn't read this.
If you don't see me tomorrow look in the Obituary Column..
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
Nothing yet
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
F5
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers: "What does it mean to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."
very good! �� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews Job Interview
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
LMAO!
A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.
The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy,
she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.
The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy,
she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.
The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy,
she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.
The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy,
she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.
George landed his first computer programming position and he was thrilled. His father, Colin, although a stranger to the field, shared George's enthusiasm and welcomed him at the door when he arrived home after his first day, inquiring, 'What did you do at work today?'
He listened intently while George explained in great detail his eight hours of COBOL, binary code and JCL errors.
When George arrived home the following night, once again his father, Colin, was waiting at the front door. 'So,' he greeted George, 'what did you have for lunch today?'
He listened intently while George explained in great detail his eight hours of COBOL, binary code and JCL errors.
When George arrived home the following night, once again his father, Colin, was waiting at the front door. 'So,' he greeted George, 'what did you have for lunch today?'
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment. The teacher graded it and the child brought it home. She returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. This picture is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Harrington
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. This picture is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Harrington
�� Quote: Originally Posted by dobhar A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment. The teacher graded it and the child brought it home. She returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. This picture is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Harrington
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. This picture is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Harrington
How To Speak Kiwi
FOR BIST EFFICT ? RID THESE OUT LOUD
Milburn - Capital of Victoria
Pissed aside - Chemical to kill insects
Pug - What bacon comes from
Miss Kara - Eye make up
Mere - Mayor
Lift - Departed
Ken's &n bsp; - Cairns
Jumbo - Pet name for Jim
Inner me - Enemy
Fush - Marine creature from the ocean
Ever Cardeau - Avacado
Ear - Mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Amejen - Visualise
Day old chuck - Very young poultry
Bun Button &nbs p; - Been bitten by insect
Chully bin - An esky
Ear Noo Zulland - An extinct airline
Veerjun - Mythical New Zealand virgin
Brudge - Structure spanning a river
Tin - One more than nine
Earplane - A large flying machine
Sivven Sucks Sivven - A Boeing Aircraft
Pits - Domestic animals
Munce - Usually served on toast
Peck - To put clothes in a suitcase
Pigs - For hanging out the washing
Nin tin dough - A computer game
Min - Male of the species
McKennonk - Person who repairs cars
Leather&nbs p; - Foam produced from soap
Kiri Pecker - Well known businessman
Kittle Crusps - Potato chips.
Jungle Bills - A Christmas carol
Guess - A vapour
Fitter Cheney - Type of pasta
Fear Hear - Blonde
Duffy Cult - Not easy
Ear Roebucks - Exercise at the gym
Bug Hut - Very popular recording
Beard - A thing you sleep in
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Beers - A large animal in US forests
One doze - Common computed programme
Sex - One less than seven
Leggs Ecktly - Precisely
Cuds & nbsp; - Children
Sivven For Sevven - Larger Boeing
Cuttin - Small cat
Beggage Chucken - A place to leave your luggage at the airport.
FOR BIST EFFICT ? RID THESE OUT LOUD
Milburn - Capital of Victoria
Pissed aside - Chemical to kill insects
Pug - What bacon comes from
Miss Kara - Eye make up
Mere - Mayor
Lift - Departed
Ken's &n bsp; - Cairns
Jumbo - Pet name for Jim
Inner me - Enemy
Fush - Marine creature from the ocean
Ever Cardeau - Avacado
Ear - Mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Amejen - Visualise
Day old chuck - Very young poultry
Bun Button &nbs p; - Been bitten by insect
Chully bin - An esky
Ear Noo Zulland - An extinct airline
Veerjun - Mythical New Zealand virgin
Brudge - Structure spanning a river
Tin - One more than nine
Earplane - A large flying machine
Sivven Sucks Sivven - A Boeing Aircraft
Pits - Domestic animals
Munce - Usually served on toast
Peck - To put clothes in a suitcase
Pigs - For hanging out the washing
Nin tin dough - A computer game
Min - Male of the species
McKennonk - Person who repairs cars
Leather&nbs p; - Foam produced from soap
Kiri Pecker - Well known businessman
Kittle Crusps - Potato chips.
Jungle Bills - A Christmas carol
Guess - A vapour
Fitter Cheney - Type of pasta
Fear Hear - Blonde
Duffy Cult - Not easy
Ear Roebucks - Exercise at the gym
Bug Hut - Very popular recording
Beard - A thing you sleep in
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Beers - A large animal in US forests
One doze - Common computed programme
Sex - One less than seven
Leggs Ecktly - Precisely
Cuds & nbsp; - Children
Sivven For Sevven - Larger Boeing
Cuttin - Small cat
Beggage Chucken - A place to leave your luggage at the airport.
Lol. You forgot Fush and chups and sorse.
Oh... no sorry, thats in the 'How to speak Orstrarleein' post.
Oh... no sorry, thats in the 'How to speak Orstrarleein' post.
Don't forget words like:
Chilly bin
Dairy
Jandels
Jutter bars, etc.
In case anyone has not had dealings with Kiwi's, this will enlighten you.
Chilly bin
Dairy
Jandels
Jutter bars, etc.
In case anyone has not had dealings with Kiwi's, this will enlighten you.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews Job Interview
While being interviewed for a job While interviewing them for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine outoften of ten, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
i give it a nine out of ten
i think i understood what you thought you said; i speak a bit of blonde since one of my wives was so afflicted... and Millie is a proper Irish lassie, having been born and raced professionally in dublin, so i also understand a bit of celtic, tho she does have a slight speech impediment. the personnel manager was not really being interviewed, and the brothers were not often getting out for 9 holes of golf. I muss chocolate fush
and the bist milkshakes in the wurld
an if New Zild had mineral wealth I woodn'd have lift.
and the bist milkshakes in the wurld
an if New Zild had mineral wealth I woodn'd have lift.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by spinifex Don't forget words like:
Chilly bin
Dairy
Jandels
Jutter bars, etc.
In case anyone has not had dealings with Kiwi's, this will enlighten you.
Chilly bin
Dairy
Jandels
Jutter bars, etc.
In case anyone has not had dealings with Kiwi's, this will enlighten you.
shop
flip flops
speed bomps.
Oh gah... I actually some of these beached as bro t-shirt's. They were far beached as on a rack bro, in the 'fashionable' teen's shop at the mall. I was passing by. I was beached as and wanted a chup.
xarden, I work in mining and hence work alongside lots of your Bro's from the north island and the mainland.
Never a dull moment, lol.
Never a dull moment, lol.
Quote:
I work in mining
POINTS TO PONDER
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above ?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above ?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by nithig Quote:
I work in mining
Oh, and yes, i work in the west island. (mutter, mutter, mutter)
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Bugsy George landed his first computer programming position and he was thrilled. His father, Colin, although a stranger to the field, shared George's enthusiasm and welcomed him at the door when he arrived home after his first day, inquiring, 'What did you do at work today?'
He listened intently while George explained in great detail his eight hours of COBOL, binary code and JCL errors.
When George arrived home the following night, once again his father, Colin, was waiting at the front door. 'So,' he greeted George, 'what did you have for lunch today?'
He listened intently while George explained in great detail his eight hours of COBOL, binary code and JCL errors.
When George arrived home the following night, once again his father, Colin, was waiting at the front door. 'So,' he greeted George, 'what did you have for lunch today?'
Funny thing is, I was using COBOL and JCL too....
�� Quote: Originally Posted by bjrichus When I were a lad... 1972-ish... the operating system on the first computer I used was called "George".
For the Aussies and Kiwis.
Why do NZ famers call a sheep 'mate'?
Kumate, kumate ...
Why do NZ famers call a sheep 'mate'?
Kumate, kumate ...
�� Quote: Originally Posted by brightblessings a plane was on its way to melbourne when a blonde in economy class got up, moved to the first class section and sat down.
The flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her economy seat.
The blonde replied, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to melbourne and i'm staying right here!"
the flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
sitting in first class who belonged in economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for economy,
she was only entitled to an economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to melbourne and i'm staying right here!"
exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"you say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so i can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "oh i'm sorry - i had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, 'i told her, first class isn't going to melbourne '.
The flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her economy seat.
The blonde replied, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to melbourne and i'm staying right here!"
the flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
sitting in first class who belonged in economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for economy,
she was only entitled to an economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to melbourne and i'm staying right here!"
exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"you say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so i can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "oh i'm sorry - i had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, 'i told her, first class isn't going to melbourne '.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by nithig Quote:
I work in mining
Quote:
How to drive like a bloke
Bear in mind these simple rules when driving.
Bear in mind these simple rules when driving.
- The arm is always hanging out the drivers window. All times of the year. A Kiwi-Bloke Driver can be detected in any crowd because of the difference in tans of his left and right arms.
- The driver's window being down, it is a simple procedure to yell "Mate!" to anyone a bloke happens to recognise whilst driving.
- Similarly, the Horn is always in Standby Mode in case you see someone you recognise or you are trapped behind some nervous learner driver who will crap themselves at the sound of premium Holden Horns. Woopsy.
- The stereo is on, not loud enough so that you can't hear if the V8's running a bit rough, but loud enough that you can't hear the handbrake going on about how her mum should be in the back seat and the dog in the boot, not vice versa. That way you're not tempted to say "I thought she was". No need to have a domestic while you're enjoying yourself
- Blokes don't adjust their face in the rear view mirror. That's posing.
- Real Blokes don't shave in the rear view mirror either, it's too dangerous to have an axe floating around when you're driving.
- A Bloke always obeys the road laws. Except for the one about reversing repeatedly into the boy racer behind you who leant on the horn of his mother's car once too often.
- A Bloke laughs derisively at Petrol Heads who have to pull over to show each other their chrome-plated inlet manifold. However, it is perfectly acceptable for a bloke to show another bloke what a damned good job he made of the mods to the steering rack..
- Parking is an important thing to get right. The aims of parking are to get close enough to the entrance of the New World Supermarket so that you don't pop your rivet carrying those six cases of baked beans and the pallet of bog paper back to the car on grocery day. For this reason the trusty Holden has a sump that can handle the odd traffic island or kerb should an emergency park be necessary. It is important to check, however, that there is not the six-foot diameter black puddle on the ground when you pull away..
- Parking meters are a pain in the ..... as well, but a problem that can be easily overcome if your backing skills aren't what they should be (hint, hint). It is then a simple matter to write to the council and say that you thought the meter was broken when it was laying on the ground like that. And that you didn't want to give yourself a hernia trying to put coins into it to see if it worked...
- Sometimes it will be necessary to overtake another vehicle, especially on Sundays when the older townies are on day-release from the old-folks home. To overtake in safety, you should give the poor old bugger plenty of time to react by hitting the airhorns about 10 seconds before you start your maneuvour, and keeping them on until a couple of seconds after. Believe me, they appreciate the warning and quite often pull over for a little lie-down because they're so happy.
- Road Works are an important hazard to be on the look out for. As soon as you hit some really bad road works, you'll immediately realise that it's exactly like driving down the access road during winter when they've just chucked the gravel down. Beware that to townie drivers this is unknown territory and they're liable to do anything. If it's tourist season, be doubly aware because they'll do anything too, but probably all at once.
42 answers to life, the universe and everything
for points to ponder questions.
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Both, and the cops will also charge you with littering, failure to yield, and picking your feet in pougkipsie.
Can you cry under water?
only girls cry, and yes they can cry underwater, especially if you forget their birthday
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
best ask nancy pelosi, she's still tryin' to decide what happened to her yesterday
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
B. Hussain O'bama
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
no, everyone is nekked for the orgy
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
did you ever try to make a round box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
it was a STD
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
for the same reason why you always get a wobbly wheel on supermarket trolley
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?
the only ones who say that are not parents
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
sure, the rest of the court can hear. the deaf person uses a translator signing so they can 'hear' what's happening. usually the deaf person is in court for murdering the person who asked the question.
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
movies are too big to be 'on'; tv's are too small to get 'in'
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
some people are just too ugly to see from close up
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
to start the video recorder
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
most wimmen ony have one bra that fits, but they have dozens of panties in all colors
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
charcoal is a known antidote for some poisons found in your wife's cooking
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
I'm here to report Jimmy is no longer cracking corn and I do care.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
only if the corpse can show a valid driver' license and one other valid form of ID. being on the electoral roll in chicago also counts.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
one word: Gilligan
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
goofy was a chimera, a cross between species, like a liger or a tigon, pluto is just a dawg. ol' walt liked dogs.
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
col. saunders kentucky fried roadrunner doesn't deliver, and roadkill cafe wasn't open back then.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
you had to ask, didn't you? it's made from babies. now we have to kill you.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
ask o'bama, i'm sure his teleprompter can give him the answer, it's got the answer to life, the universe and everything. 42.
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
no, my psychiatrist says the key is different and the quarter G-minor in the last bar is held fractionally longer.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above ?
the orderly asked me to as he couldn't remember the tunes
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
because it's small and teeny way out there, but it's huge and hurts like heck down below in your waste disposal area.
p.s. - when did they cut the earth in half? which hemisphere was the asteroid aiming for? east or west.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
listerine and deodorant will cure that. just ask goofy.
for points to ponder questions.
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Both, and the cops will also charge you with littering, failure to yield, and picking your feet in pougkipsie.
Can you cry under water?
only girls cry, and yes they can cry underwater, especially if you forget their birthday
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
best ask nancy pelosi, she's still tryin' to decide what happened to her yesterday
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
B. Hussain O'bama
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
no, everyone is nekked for the orgy
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
did you ever try to make a round box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
it was a STD
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
for the same reason why you always get a wobbly wheel on supermarket trolley
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?
the only ones who say that are not parents
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
sure, the rest of the court can hear. the deaf person uses a translator signing so they can 'hear' what's happening. usually the deaf person is in court for murdering the person who asked the question.
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
movies are too big to be 'on'; tv's are too small to get 'in'
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
some people are just too ugly to see from close up
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
to start the video recorder
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
most wimmen ony have one bra that fits, but they have dozens of panties in all colors
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
charcoal is a known antidote for some poisons found in your wife's cooking
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
I'm here to report Jimmy is no longer cracking corn and I do care.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
only if the corpse can show a valid driver' license and one other valid form of ID. being on the electoral roll in chicago also counts.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
one word: Gilligan
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
goofy was a chimera, a cross between species, like a liger or a tigon, pluto is just a dawg. ol' walt liked dogs.
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
col. saunders kentucky fried roadrunner doesn't deliver, and roadkill cafe wasn't open back then.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
you had to ask, didn't you? it's made from babies. now we have to kill you.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
ask o'bama, i'm sure his teleprompter can give him the answer, it's got the answer to life, the universe and everything. 42.
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
no, my psychiatrist says the key is different and the quarter G-minor in the last bar is held fractionally longer.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above ?
the orderly asked me to as he couldn't remember the tunes
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
because it's small and teeny way out there, but it's huge and hurts like heck down below in your waste disposal area.
p.s. - when did they cut the earth in half? which hemisphere was the asteroid aiming for? east or west.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
listerine and deodorant will cure that. just ask goofy.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by kronckew 42 answers to life, the universe and everything
for points to ponder questions.
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Both, and the cops will also charge you with littering, failure to yield, and picking your feet in pougkipsie.
Can you cry under water?
only girls cry, and yes they can cry underwater, especially if you forget their birthday
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
best ask nancy pelosi
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
B. Hussain O'bama
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
no, everyone is nekked for the orgy
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
did you ever try to make a round box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
it was a STD
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
for the same reason why you always get a wobbly wheel on supermarket trolley
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?
the only ones who say that are not parents
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
sure, the rest of the court can hear. the deaf person uses a translator signing so they can 'hear' what's happening. usually the deaf person is in court for murdering the person who asked the question.
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
movies are too big to be 'on'; tv's are too small to get 'in'
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
some people are just too ugly to see from close up
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
to start the video recorder
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
most wimmen ony have one bra that fits, but they have dozens of panties in all colors
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
charcoal is a known antidote for some poisons found in your wife's cooking
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
I'm here to report Jimmy is no longer cracking corn and I do care.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
only if the corpse can show a valid driver' license and one other valid form of ID.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
one word: Gilligan
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
goofy was a chimera, a cross between species, like a liger or a tigon, pluto is just a dawg. ol' walt liked dogs.
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
col. saunders kentucky fried roadrunner doesn't deliver, and roadkill cafe wqasn't open back then.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
you had to ask, didn't you? it's made from babies. now we have to kill you.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
ask o'bama, i'm sure his teleprompter can give him the answer, it's got the answer to life, the universe and everything. 42.
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
no, my psychiatrist says the key is different and the quarter G-minor in the last bar is held fractionally longer.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above ?
the orderly asked me to as he couldn't remember the tunes
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
because it's small and teeny way out there, but it's huge and hurts like heck down below.
p.s. - when did they cut the earth in half?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
listerine and deodorant will cure that.
for points to ponder questions.
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Both, and the cops will also charge you with littering, failure to yield, and picking your feet in pougkipsie.
Can you cry under water?
only girls cry, and yes they can cry underwater, especially if you forget their birthday
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
best ask nancy pelosi
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
B. Hussain O'bama
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
no, everyone is nekked for the orgy
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
did you ever try to make a round box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
it was a STD
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
for the same reason why you always get a wobbly wheel on supermarket trolley
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?
the only ones who say that are not parents
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
sure, the rest of the court can hear. the deaf person uses a translator signing so they can 'hear' what's happening. usually the deaf person is in court for murdering the person who asked the question.
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
movies are too big to be 'on'; tv's are too small to get 'in'
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
some people are just too ugly to see from close up
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
to start the video recorder
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
most wimmen ony have one bra that fits, but they have dozens of panties in all colors
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
charcoal is a known antidote for some poisons found in your wife's cooking
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
I'm here to report Jimmy is no longer cracking corn and I do care.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
only if the corpse can show a valid driver' license and one other valid form of ID.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
one word: Gilligan
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
goofy was a chimera, a cross between species, like a liger or a tigon, pluto is just a dawg. ol' walt liked dogs.
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
col. saunders kentucky fried roadrunner doesn't deliver, and roadkill cafe wqasn't open back then.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
you had to ask, didn't you? it's made from babies. now we have to kill you.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
ask o'bama, i'm sure his teleprompter can give him the answer, it's got the answer to life, the universe and everything. 42.
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
no, my psychiatrist says the key is different and the quarter G-minor in the last bar is held fractionally longer.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above ?
the orderly asked me to as he couldn't remember the tunes
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
because it's small and teeny way out there, but it's huge and hurts like heck down below.
p.s. - when did they cut the earth in half?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
listerine and deodorant will cure that.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by GaM3R Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Gift for My Wife
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their
anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long
term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss
of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their
anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long
term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss
of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid
Almost a candidate for the Darwin!
That really is a shocking story!
A guy walks into a bar.....
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures it first!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by kronckew A guy walks into a bar.....
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures it first!"
Rene Descartes was drinking in the bar.
After Rene finished his drink the barman asked, "would you like another"
"I think not" replied Descartes
and promptly disappeared.
After Rene finished his drink the barman asked, "would you like another"
"I think not" replied Descartes
and promptly disappeared.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by nithig That really is a shocking story!
A guy comes across an old man sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. The guy asks the old man what the problem is. The old man replies, "Well, I'm married to this beautiful, young woman with an amazing body who only wants to please me sexually and in every other way." The guy asks, "Then why are you crying" to which the old man says "I forget where I live"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by alfred01 A guy comes across an old man sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. The guy asks the old man what the problem is. The old man replies, "Well, I'm married to this beautiful, young woman with an amazing body who only wants to please me sexually and in every other way." The guy asks, "Then why are you crying" to which the old man says "I forget where I live"
Poor guy. 3 old ladies are walking down a sidewalk when all of a sudden a flasher jumps out and exposes himself to them.
The first old lady has a stroke
and the second old lady has a stroke
But the third..... she just couldn't reach.
The first old lady has a stroke
and the second old lady has a stroke
But the third..... she just couldn't reach.
Church Bulletins
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to
our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge -
Up Yours'.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to
our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge -
Up Yours'.
Some more:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
1. Browser on fullscreen (F11)
2. Click the link here
2. Click the link here
Kari hello.. so glad to see you maintaining your humor..
Sending wishes for a full recovery... keep coming in to join us in the forum.
Sending wishes for a full recovery... keep coming in to join us in the forum.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari 1. Browser on fullscreen (F11)
2. Click the link here
2. Click the link here
That's a good one!
A young monk arrives at the monastery?
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying
the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
Pointing out that if someone made even a small error
in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the
copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a
locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
'We missed theR!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEBRATE!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 A young monk arrives at the monastery?
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying
the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
Pointing out that if someone made even a small error
in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the
copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a
locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
'We missed theR!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEBRATE!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari 1. Browser on fullscreen (F11)
2. Click the link here
2. Click the link here
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari 1. Browser on fullscreen (F11)
2. Click the link here
2. Click the link here
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari 1. Browser on fullscreen (F11)
2. Click the link here
2. Click the link here
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari 1. Browser on fullscreen (F11)
2. Click the link here
2. Click the link here
... and so true.. A tribal elder was reminiscing about the good old days..................
"When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a
shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o� tobacco.
Yer can't do that now.
pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o� tobacco.
Yer can't do that now.
Too many stinkin' security cameras."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DocBrown A tribal elder was reminiscing about the good old days..................
"When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a
shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o� tobacco.
Yer can't do that now.
Yer can't do that now.
Too many stinkin' security cameras."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DocBrown A tribal elder was reminiscing about the good old days..................
"When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a
"When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a
shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o� tobacco.
Yer can't do that now.
pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o� tobacco.
Yer can't do that now.
Too many stinkin' security cameras."
Brilliant! �� Quote: Originally Posted by DocBrown A tribal elder was reminiscing about the good old days..................
"When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a
shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o� tobacco.
Yer can't do that now.
Yer can't do that now.
Too many stinkin' security cameras."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 A young monk arrives at the monastery?
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying
the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
Pointing out that if someone made even a small error
in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the
copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a
locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
'We missed theR!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEBRATE!
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, �My father�s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess.� �And what�s the moral of the story?� asked the teacher. �Don�t put all your eggs in one basket!� �Very good,� said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, �Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don�t count your chickens until they�re hatched.� �That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?�
�Yes, ma�am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn�t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.� �Good heavens,� said the horrified teacher, �what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?� �Stay away from Aunt Marge when she�s been drinking.�
a mess.� �And what�s the moral of the story?� asked the teacher. �Don�t put all your eggs in one basket!� �Very good,� said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, �Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don�t count your chickens until they�re hatched.� �That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?�
�Yes, ma�am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn�t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.� �Good heavens,� said the horrified teacher, �what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?� �Stay away from Aunt Marge when she�s been drinking.�
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds, a tennis court and a swimming pool.
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Well," replied Peter, "the Titanic only crashed once."
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Well," replied Peter, "the Titanic only crashed once."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by gladson1976 When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds, a tennis court and a swimming pool.
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Well," replied Peter, "the Titanic only crashed once."
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Well," replied Peter, "the Titanic only crashed once."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(folks, you're gonna luv this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a RollingStone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a great day
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(folks, you're gonna luv this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a RollingStone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a great day
I did sing, but I didn't grin. I was
You ROCK DOC
You ROCK DOC
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is an architect and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews "May I ask what the turkey did?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari �� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews "May I ask what the turkey did?"
That is a good one.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Forgot that one, lol. A Guy A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
�What the hell was that for?� he asked.
�That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,� she replied.
�But you don�t understand,� he pleaded. �Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.�
�Oh honey, I�m sorry,� she said. �I should have known there was a good explanation.�
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, �What was that for?� he begged.
�Your horse called!�
�What the hell was that for?� he asked.
�That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,� she replied.
�But you don�t understand,� he pleaded. �Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.�
�Oh honey, I�m sorry,� she said. �I should have known there was a good explanation.�
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, �What was that for?� he begged.
�Your horse called!�
MY LAST TRIP TO CostcoYesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Buddy , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!!
What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!!
okay a punny joke relating to my first name.
There are 2 atoms walking down the street. the first one stops and tells the second one "I think i lost an electron"
The second atom says "are you sure?"
the first atom replies: "of course I am......Im positive"
........hahaha......well not realy, but my first name is Ion, pronounced E-ah-n
so theres my punny chemistry/physics joke....
There are 2 atoms walking down the street. the first one stops and tells the second one "I think i lost an electron"
The second atom says "are you sure?"
the first atom replies: "of course I am......Im positive"
........hahaha......well not realy, but my first name is Ion, pronounced E-ah-n
so theres my punny chemistry/physics joke....
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews A
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
I love it!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by slash3r [Forgive me, for I am stupid, but I don't understand the punch line. Can someone enlighten me?
Passionate Lady....
"Welcome to the Sunnyvale Horseracing Track, I'm your announcer Richard Small. Before the race begins, lets have a look at the line up...
Lineup:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Johnson
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry
THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson is in a dangerous spot.
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly shows...
Thighs weakens...
Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance."
"Welcome to the Sunnyvale Horseracing Track, I'm your announcer Richard Small. Before the race begins, lets have a look at the line up...
Lineup:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Johnson
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry
THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson is in a dangerous spot.
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly shows...
Thighs weakens...
Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance."
What creatively named horses
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves MY LAST TRIP TO Costco
�� Quote: Originally Posted by slash3r Forgive me, for I am stupid, but I don't understand the punch line. Can someone enlighten me?
The bird saw the frozen turkey in the freezer and decided to calm down
This really works!
I came across these simple exercises recently and thought I should share� them with you. The article suggested doing it three times a week.
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms� straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to� reach a full minute, and then relax.
2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit� longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato sacks. Then 25kg� potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg� potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute
(I'm at this level).
3. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
I came across these simple exercises recently and thought I should share� them with you. The article suggested doing it three times a week.
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms� straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to� reach a full minute, and then relax.
2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit� longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato sacks. Then 25kg� potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg� potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute
(I'm at this level).
3. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
Holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
Is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
To hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
And your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
And replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
Is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
To hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
And your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
And replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
Holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
Is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
To hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
And your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
And replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
Is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
To hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
And your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
And replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
Cat Lover or Not, this is funny!
Attachment 115069
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold..
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew! Attachment 115070
Attachment 115069
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold..
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew! Attachment 115070
just wanted to say that after reading this post Removed heatsink from processor, do I need new thermal compound? i was reminded of the joke, what do lentils and dildos have in common? they are both meat substitutes.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Pusspa j what do lentils and dildos have in common? they are both meat substitutes.
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
43. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
Love it
Good ol' Google and their easter eggs...
What do tattoo's and a political convention have in common?........Both involve thousands of little pricks.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball �� Quote: Originally Posted by Pusspa j what do lentils and dildos have in common? they are both meat substitutes.
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Fluffy �� Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
43. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
Love it
1. Go to google maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Exeter Street, Loma Linda, CA for the start location.(my street)
4. End location Japan
5 look at step 18 and step 33.
lol= its even slower than jet skiing
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
Being embarrassed about his bald head and wooden leg, he doesn't know what to wear to cover up his
head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look just the part?.
The man is very offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is now incandescent with rage, because the fancy dress company has now gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse, and go as a toffee apple.
Being embarrassed about his bald head and wooden leg, he doesn't know what to wear to cover up his
head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look just the part?.
The man is very offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is now incandescent with rage, because the fancy dress company has now gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse, and go as a toffee apple.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by ionbasa �� Quote: Originally Posted by Fluffy �� Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
43. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
Love it
1. Go to google maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Exeter Street, Loma Linda, CA for the start location.(my street)
4. End location Japan
5 look at step 18 and step 33.
lol= its even slower than jet skiing
May your stuffing be tasty, May your turkey be plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have never a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Be safe in your travel to and from your loved ones!!
Enjoy the cartoons....
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Be safe in your travel to and from your loved ones!!
Enjoy the cartoons....
How cost effective!
ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."
Works for me!
ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."
Works for me!
Hello BB, that's a good one.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings How cost effective!
ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."
Works for me!
ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."
Works for me!
Here's the photo of the New Air Security.....
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings How cost effective!
ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."
Works for me!
ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."
Works for me!
What do marriage and a tornado have in common??
At the start there's a lot of sucking & blowing
...and...
...in the end you lose your house!!
At the start there's a lot of sucking & blowing
...and...
...in the end you lose your house!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by targnik What do marriage and a tornado have in common??
At the start there's a lot of sucking & blowing
...and...
...in the end you lose your house!!
At the start there's a lot of sucking & blowing
...and...
...in the end you lose your house!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings How cost effective!
ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."
Works for me!
ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."
Works for me!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Here's the photo of the New Air Security.....
Attachment 116190
Attachment 116190
Drug Comparisons
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves No further testing was considered necessary!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put..
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is �9.50 for a three-pack.Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put..
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is �9.50 for a three-pack.Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
"Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Just discovered this thread (believe it or not ) and I have to tell ya, you all have a great funny bone! Keep em coming --- they're great!
) and I have to tell ya, you all have a great funny bone! Keep em coming --- they're great! �� Quote: Originally Posted by Imperfect1 Just discovered this thread (believe it or not ) and I have to tell ya, you all have a great funny bone! Keep em coming --- they're great!
) and I have to tell ya, you all have a great funny bone! Keep em coming --- they're great!I thought that you would like to hear this from me and not from someone else.
I know what you are probably thinking.
This is supposed to be a secret, but the truth will eventually come out.....
Please don't think that I am gossiping.
Anyway guess who is coming very shortly ?
Scroll down�����������..
Gotcha!!!
Santa really gets around!
Santa is getting in shape for the hard task ahead.....0
Get down Big Boy.........Get Down..
Get down Big Boy.........Get Down..
The Navy Chief noticed a new sailor on board his ship and barked at him "Get over here Sailor. What's your name?'
"John" the new seaman replied.
The Navy Chief frowned and said:
"Look son, I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching you sailors at boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in authority!"
"I refer to sailors by their last names, Smith, Jones, whatever. And you are to refer to me as Chief!. Do I make myself clear sailor?!"
The sailor responded "Aye Aye Chief!"
"Okay" the Chief responded, "Now that we have that clear, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed, "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief"
There was a momentary silence. Finally The Navy Chief said "Okay John, here's what I want you to do....."
"John" the new seaman replied.
The Navy Chief frowned and said:
"Look son, I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching you sailors at boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in authority!"
"I refer to sailors by their last names, Smith, Jones, whatever. And you are to refer to me as Chief!. Do I make myself clear sailor?!"
The sailor responded "Aye Aye Chief!"
"Okay" the Chief responded, "Now that we have that clear, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed, "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief"
There was a momentary silence. Finally The Navy Chief said "Okay John, here's what I want you to do....."
A woman went into a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said �20.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty rough stuff."
The woman thought about this, but eventually decided that at the price she had to have the bird anyway. So she took it home, hung the parrot's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The parrot looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam!"
The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then thought, "Well, it could be worse."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls!"
The girls were also a bit offended by the parrot�s comments, but then they began to laugh, considering how and where it had been living for the past twenty years.
A few minutes later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by evil c A woman went into a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said �20.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty rough stuff."
The woman thought about this, but eventually decided that at the price she had to have the bird anyway. So she took it home, hung the parrot's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The parrot looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam!"
The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then thought, "Well, it could be worse."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls!"
The girls were also a bit offended by the parrot�s comments, but then they began to laugh, considering how and where it had been living for the past twenty years.
A few minutes later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Beer contains female hormones!
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."
A Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer and a Microsoft Engineer were driving to a meeting when there vehicle stopped running. The Mechanical Engineer checked the car and said it was fine. The Electrical Engineer checked it also and found nothing wrong. The Microsoft Engineer closed all the Windows, got out of the car, got back in the car then opened all the Windows and the car started and away they went.
Jim
Jim
What's sad about 5 Lawyers going over a cliff in a 1956 Buick.
The Buick seats 6.
Jim
The Buick seats 6.
Jim
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings "We'll have a new one."
Oh lawd, eww �� Quote: Originally Posted by evil c A woman went into a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said �20.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty rough stuff."
The woman thought about this, but eventually decided that at the price she had to have the bird anyway. So she took it home, hung the parrot's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The parrot looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam!"
The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then thought, "Well, it could be worse."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls!"
The girls were also a bit offended by the parrot�s comments, but then they began to laugh, considering how and where it had been living for the past twenty years.
A few minutes later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."
Three priests back home in Lapland met in an ecumenical meeting. After the meeting was over, they went together to have a cup of coffee before returning to their respective homes. They started to talk about the collect, how they deal with the collected money after Sunday services.
The youngest one wanted to show how clever he is. He told two older colleagues he uses heads and tails method; heads to the God, tails he keeps. Both older gentlemen looked at her amused.
Next distinguished gentleman told two others he belives God lives in the Bible; he drops the money on top of the Bible and what stays on Bible, is for God and rest he keeps to himself. Younger priest looks and says "Awesome! I have to try that".
The oldest from group is even more amused. "You young idiots! I can see your faith is not so strong than mine. I believe God must decide over everything, also how much he wants from the collect. That's why I leave all the money on the table in my chambers after Sunday services, and tell to God in my prayer to take what he needs. When I come to church then following morning, I'll keep the money God has left on the table."
The youngest one wanted to show how clever he is. He told two older colleagues he uses heads and tails method; heads to the God, tails he keeps. Both older gentlemen looked at her amused.
Next distinguished gentleman told two others he belives God lives in the Bible; he drops the money on top of the Bible and what stays on Bible, is for God and rest he keeps to himself. Younger priest looks and says "Awesome! I have to try that".
The oldest from group is even more amused. "You young idiots! I can see your faith is not so strong than mine. I believe God must decide over everything, also how much he wants from the collect. That's why I leave all the money on the table in my chambers after Sunday services, and tell to God in my prayer to take what he needs. When I come to church then following morning, I'll keep the money God has left on the table."
Was sent this from my cousin back east.
New TSA PinUP Calendar........just a few photo's to be shown.
Hope this doesn't offend anyone.......just thought it was humorous.
Attachment 118833
Attachment 118834
Attachment 118835
New TSA PinUP Calendar........just a few photo's to be shown.
Hope this doesn't offend anyone.......just thought it was humorous.
Attachment 118833
Attachment 118834
Attachment 118835
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have
a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in
each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them.
They won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says,
'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch..'
'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her
a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.....
And she took my
teeth with her!"
a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in
each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them.
They won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says,
'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch..'
'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her
a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.....
And she took my
teeth with her!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have
a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in
each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them.
They won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says,
'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch..'
'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her
a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.....
And she took my
teeth with her!"
a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in
each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them.
They won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says,
'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch..'
'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her
a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.....
And she took my
teeth with her!"
So that's where my teeth are!
Fastest Gun in the West
Don't mess with the best in the west. In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the young cowboy."Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle an� all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much!"
Don't mess with the best in the west. In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the young cowboy."Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle an� all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by evil c Fastest Gun in the West
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man What's sad about 5 Lawyers going over a cliff in a 1956 Buick.
The Buick seats 6.
Jim
The Buick seats 6.
Jim
A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
LMAO!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
Got home this afternoon to find the doors and windows wide open........
What kind of sick person does this to an advent calender
What kind of sick person does this to an advent calender
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly Got home this afternoon to find the doors and windows wide open........
What kind of sick person does this to an advent calender
What kind of sick person does this to an advent calender
Attachment 119839
Have a delightful week-end..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
http://www.sevenforums.com/1078415-post437.html
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
Little Johnny cant sleep one night.. so he wonders half asleep into his parents room to find mommy and daddy goin at it like a couple of rabbits... little Johnny turns and runs away... hearing little Johnny's footsteps dad goes to find little Johnny and see how he's doing ^^
Not finding Little Johnny in his room he walks past the guest bedroom to find to his utter amazement little Johnny giving it to grandma!! Dad yells "Little Johnny what are you doing!!??"
Not missing a beat little Johnny replies "Not so funny when it's your mother is it!!??"
Not finding Little Johnny in his room he walks past the guest bedroom to find to his utter amazement little Johnny giving it to grandma!! Dad yells "Little Johnny what are you doing!!??"
Not missing a beat little Johnny replies "Not so funny when it's your mother is it!!??"
Loving it.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by targnik Little Johnny cant sleep one night.. so he wonders half asleep into his parents room to find mommy and daddy goin at it like a couple of rabbits... little Johnny turns and runs away... hearing little Johnny's footsteps dad goes to find little Johnny and see how he's doing ^^
Not finding Little Johnny in his room he walks past the guest bedroom to find to his utter amazement little Johnny giving it to grandma!! Dad yells "Little Johnny what are you doing!!??"
Not missing a beat little Johnny replies "Not so funny when it's your mother is it!!??"
Not finding Little Johnny in his room he walks past the guest bedroom to find to his utter amazement little Johnny giving it to grandma!! Dad yells "Little Johnny what are you doing!!??"
Not missing a beat little Johnny replies "Not so funny when it's your mother is it!!??"
George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the Devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I couldn�t do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was ex British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms over his head and his legs spreadeagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah I think I could handle this". The Devil smiled and said...
"Monica, you're free to go!"
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I couldn�t do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was ex British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms over his head and his legs spreadeagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah I think I could handle this". The Devil smiled and said...
"Monica, you're free to go!"
A little PC humor.
"Catching Something"
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says, "Wait up.... I'll get my hat!"
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says, "Wait up.... I'll get my hat!"
Happy Holidays
What is a calorie?
Calories are the little *******s that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE @#$@&$#(@*$#)!
Calories are the little *******s that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE @#$@&$#(@*$#)!
One beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are,very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr � gurrr � king'
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are,very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr � gurrr � king'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by evil c One beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are,very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr � gurrr � king'
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are,very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr � gurrr � king'
there is, of course, no place in wales named 'Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch', which means 'the leeks on your blouse are looking really pretty today, Blodwyn. kiss me, you sexy lass. '
it's really called 'Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysillogogoch' which means 'the place down the road over yonder with the big pothole on the other side where we send all the english tourists who haven't got a clue how to speak welsh when they ask for directions - twinned with koln since 1456'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by evil c George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the Devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I couldn�t do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was ex British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms over his head and his legs spreadeagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah I think I could handle this". The Devil smiled and said...
"Monica, you're free to go!"
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I couldn�t do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was ex British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms over his head and his legs spreadeagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah I think I could handle this". The Devil smiled and said...
"Monica, you're free to go!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X What is a calorie?
Calories are the little *******s that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE @#$@&$#(@*$#)!
Calories are the little *******s that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE @#$@&$#(@*$#)!
Mine too! Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother..."
Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother..."
I read this book today, all about the evils of alcohol..
- so I gave up reading..
- so I gave up reading..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BugMeister I read this book today, all about the evils of alcohol..
- so I gave up reading..
- so I gave up reading..
We were camping with some of my friends, couldn't make the campfire because a bit wet logs. So I poured some of my beloved whisky to the logs, to help to ignite them...
Other than that, never misused alcohol.
Kari
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turns to the second Mum, Ann: �Your obsessions is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child�s name, Penny.�
He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: �Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child�s name, Brandy.�
At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, �Come on, Dick, we�re leaving.�
He turns to the second Mum, Ann: �Your obsessions is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child�s name, Penny.�
He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: �Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child�s name, Brandy.�
At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, �Come on, Dick, we�re leaving.�
�� Quote: Originally Posted by evil c A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turns to the second Mum, Ann: �Your obsessions is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child�s name, Penny.�
He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: �Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child�s name, Brandy.�
At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, �Come on, Dick, we�re leaving.�
He turns to the second Mum, Ann: �Your obsessions is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child�s name, Penny.�
He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: �Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child�s name, Brandy.�
At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, �Come on, Dick, we�re leaving.�
A local charity office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special, I'm having pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
------------------------------------------------------------
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
------------------------------------------------------------
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary the husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
'Oh, nothing special, I'm having pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
------------------------------------------------------------
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
------------------------------------------------------------
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary the husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in San Fransisco for start location
4. Type in Hervey Bay, Australia for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #15, #30, #91......
6. Laugh
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dom �� Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh
1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in San Fransisco for start location
4. Type in Hervey Bay, Australia for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #15, #30, #91......
6. Laugh
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal or wood out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws the bolt somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light .
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.
SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool that runs from you when plugged in; commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
When the blade snaps it always draws blood.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles at your groin, and for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the wrong side of your line.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the motor.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans and chiseling. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to damage the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work-pants, but only while being worn.
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal or wood out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws the bolt somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light .
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.
SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool that runs from you when plugged in; commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
When the blade snaps it always draws blood.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles at your groin, and for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the wrong side of your line.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the motor.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans and chiseling. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to damage the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work-pants, but only while being worn.
Tool Information for the handyman:
That is excellent, Hopalong, and so very true.
It is sad i can associate with quite a few.
It is sad i can associate with quite a few.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine...
A tall upright machine...
I can relate!! Hey Hoppy,
How come no mention of Duct Tape, WD-40, or the infamous Crazy Glue!
Will post a few later Today...
How come no mention of Duct Tape, WD-40, or the infamous Crazy Glue!
Will post a few later Today...
hi there x)
can any1 plz tell me how to start (create) a thread on this site for god's sake xD..i really donnu how..plz >.<
can any1 plz tell me how to start (create) a thread on this site for god's sake xD..i really donnu how..plz >.<
Chillout Room - Windows 7 Forums
This link takes you to main page for chiill out room. The top left and bottom left is a big orange/yellow button New Thread. Click that and start a new thread.
When you are on the sevenforum Home page click the section you want say "Crashes and Debugging". Click the name then look for the New Thread button.
Mike
This link takes you to main page for chiill out room. The top left and bottom left is a big orange/yellow button New Thread. Click that and start a new thread.
When you are on the sevenforum Home page click the section you want say "Crashes and Debugging". Click the name then look for the New Thread button.
Mike
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Hey Hoppy,
How come no mention of Duct Tape, WD-40, or the infamous Crazy Glue!
Will post a few later Today...
How come no mention of Duct Tape, WD-40, or the infamous Crazy Glue!
Will post a few later Today...
http://www.sevenforums.com/1111174-post504.html
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Hey Hoppy,
How come no mention of Duct Tape, WD-40, or the infamous Crazy Glue!
Will post a few later Today...
How come no mention of Duct Tape, WD-40, or the infamous Crazy Glue!
Will post a few later Today...
http://www.sevenforums.com/1111174-post504.html
How quickly I forgot!
Need to duct tape that to my memory bank.
One problem.................can't find my memory bank
�� Quote: Originally Posted by TrunksB7 hi there x)
can any1 plz tell me how to start (create) a thread on this site for god's sake xD..i really donnu how..plz >.<
can any1 plz tell me how to start (create) a thread on this site for god's sake xD..i really donnu how..plz >.<
and you'll be on your way. �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Hey Hoppy,
How come no mention of Duct Tape, WD-40, or the infamous Crazy Glue!
Will post a few later Today...
How come no mention of Duct Tape, WD-40, or the infamous Crazy Glue!
Will post a few later Today...
Thank you so much guys! =D
u r angels ! <3
u r angels ! <3
Quote:
Click on this and you'll be on your way.
and you'll be on your way. Now go put this button back where you stole it from before someone misses it.
Mike
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Quote:
Click on this and you'll be on your way.
and you'll be on your way. Now go put this button back where you stole it from before someone misses it.
Mike
Derek has it Duct Taped to his computer!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Quote:
Click on this and you'll be on your way.
and you'll be on your way. Now go put this button back where you stole it from before someone misses it.
Mike
....... I got a good deal on that, the guy said it was an extra one. Brink gave it to you? Unlikely story!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Brink gave it to you? Unlikely story!
Know what I mean.
Derek,
The only thing you could catch would be the flu or a cold!
We all know you have the inside rail with Brink!
The only thing you could catch would be the flu or a cold!
We all know you have the inside rail with Brink!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Derek,
The only thing you could catch would be the flu or a cold!
We all know you have the inside rail with Brink!
The only thing you could catch would be the flu or a cold!
We all know you have the inside rail with Brink!
My bank called my wife last week and told her our checking account was overdrawn. She replied, it can't be I have 3 checks left.
Jim
Jim
Where does the general keep his "armies"
his "sleevsies"
:33333333333333333333333333
his "sleevsies"
:33333333333333333333333333
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Impulse Fire911 Where does the general keep his "armies"...
(Just so you know, when someone my age lets out a horrendous groan, people are liable to drag you off to the hospital...)
lol wait wat, did someone say the joke already or what?
Once again this year, I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe, so here goes:
(Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!)
1 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.
Cherry Mistmas
(Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!)
1 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.
Cherry Mistmas
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp Ban him! Ban him! Ban him!
(Just so you know, when someone my age lets out a horrendous groan, people are liable to drag you off to the hospital...)
(Just so you know, when someone my age lets out a horrendous groan, people are liable to drag you off to the hospital...)
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Impulse Fire911 lol wait wat, did someone say the joke already or what?
No it hadn't been posted before Profdlp is just having some fun with you. We aren't going to ban you just for posting that joke. It was just way to cheesy for him to not comment as such.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp �� Quote: Originally Posted by Impulse Fire911 Where does the general keep his "armies"...
(Just so you know, when someone my age lets out a horrendous groan, people are liable to drag you off to the hospital...)
First offense is tar and feathers!!!
For his armies and his sleevsies!
Mike
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man My bank called my wife last week and told her our checking account was overdrawn. She replied, it can't be I have 3 checks left.
Jim
Jim
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Thorsen �� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp Ban him! Ban him! Ban him!
(Just so you know, when someone my age lets out a horrendous groan, people are liable to drag you off to the hospital...)
(Just so you know, when someone my age lets out a horrendous groan, people are liable to drag you off to the hospital...)
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Impulse Fire911 lol wait wat, did someone say the joke already or what?
No it hadn't been posted before Profdlp is just having some fun with you. We aren't going to ban you just for posting that joke. It was just way to cheesy for him to not comment as such.
(And can't wait to pull it on someone else.)
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
"An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again." Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied.'"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little b*stard!
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
"An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again." Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied.'"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little b*stard!
Heard this from Calvin
What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie ?
A Melon - Collie baby
What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie ?
A Melon - Collie baby
WORLD RESTAURANT
Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?
Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for his Wales.
Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me.
There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India?
D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!
Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck.
Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia!
Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan when Zanzibar is open.
Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?
Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for his Wales.
Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me.
There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India?
D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!
Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck.
Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia!
Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan when Zanzibar is open.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by gladson1976 Heard this from Calvin
What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie ?
A Melon - Collie baby
What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie ?
A Melon - Collie baby
GROAN!!!!!
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Quote:
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
Nice one, Tom!
LMAO! You wouldn't happen to know this Chris by any chance?
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea! A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both colla pse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself , this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DreemWarrior The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea! A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both colla pse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself , this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Good one DreemWarrior.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend...
[/QUOTE]That is hilarious!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by DreemWarrior The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? ..."
Two parrots sat on a perch...
One says "Can you smell fish?"
One says "Can you smell fish?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Grimmy Two parrots sat on a perch...
One says "Can you smell fish?"
One says "Can you smell fish?"
After all these years, I'm finally getting tired of those useless Christmas gifts that always show up.
So I decided to get out early and get something I've always wanted.
I Went out and bought myself one of those all-terrain 4-wheel things.
Wife wasn't too excited about it, but now that she's seen all the fun I've had with it, she agrees it was a good move.
I've enclosed a picture of my friend, (I�m taking the picture) playing with it out in the country.
So I decided to get out early and get something I've always wanted.
I Went out and bought myself one of those all-terrain 4-wheel things.
Wife wasn't too excited about it, but now that she's seen all the fun I've had with it, she agrees it was a good move.
I've enclosed a picture of my friend, (I�m taking the picture) playing with it out in the country.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X After all these years, I'm finally getting tired of those useless Christmas gifts that always show up.
So I decided to get out early and get something I've always wanted.
I Went out and bought myself one of those all-terrain 4-wheel things.
Wife wasn't too excited about it, but now that she's seen all the fun I've had with it, she agrees it was a good move.
I've enclosed a picture of my friend, (I�m taking the picture) playing with it out in the country.
So I decided to get out early and get something I've always wanted.
I Went out and bought myself one of those all-terrain 4-wheel things.
Wife wasn't too excited about it, but now that she's seen all the fun I've had with it, she agrees it was a good move.
I've enclosed a picture of my friend, (I�m taking the picture) playing with it out in the country.
Hope you will obey all traffic signs and don't get any tickets for speeding.
I don't want you sitting next to me in Dumb Dumb Driver's School.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not very many people know this.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not very many people know this.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Mike,
Hope you will obey all traffic signs and don't get any tickets for speeding.
I don't want you sitting next to me in Dumb Dumb Driver's School.
Hope you will obey all traffic signs and don't get any tickets for speeding.
I don't want you sitting next to me in Dumb Dumb Driver's School.
Mike,
While you were taking the picture I was behind you taking this photo.
This is the real all terrain 4 wheeler that you are capable of driving...........on sidewalks!
Attachment 122401
Sorry Mike,
Couldn't find a safety helmet to go over your Cowboy hat....
While you were taking the picture I was behind you taking this photo.
This is the real all terrain 4 wheeler that you are capable of driving...........on sidewalks!
Attachment 122401
Sorry Mike,
Couldn't find a safety helmet to go over your Cowboy hat....
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation,
Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"
'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's an entirely inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.'
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation,
Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"
'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's an entirely inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.'
Happy Holidays
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
At least you shouldn't tell this joke to a blonde on Tuesday. If you do, she starts laughing just when you start watching Monday Night Football, disturbing the sport experience...
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
A Guy
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
A Guy
A man walks into a bar
his alcoholic problem is tearing apart his family
his alcoholic problem is tearing apart his family
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Tews An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Joke for today !!!
A man and a women were having dinner in a fine
restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each
other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a
few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly
sliding down his chair and under the table, but
the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way
down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware her dining companion had
disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to
the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your
husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No,
he didn't. He just walked in."
A man and a women were having dinner in a fine
restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each
other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a
few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly
sliding down his chair and under the table, but
the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way
down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware her dining companion had
disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to
the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your
husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No,
he didn't. He just walked in."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Impulse Fire911 A man walks into a bar
his alcoholic problem is tearing apart his family
his alcoholic problem is tearing apart his family
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Joke for today !!!
Two blokes sitting in a pub
They take out their sandwiches and begin to eat
The bar-man shouts "HEY! you can't eat your own sandwiches in here"
So they swapped........
They take out their sandwiches and begin to eat
The bar-man shouts "HEY! you can't eat your own sandwiches in here"
So they swapped........
Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other.
Do you smell carrots???
Do you smell carrots???
Two fish were in a tank.
One says to the other, 'you take the gun and I'll drive'
One says to the other, 'you take the gun and I'll drive'
Holidays in the tech age....
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Impulse Fire911 A man walks into a bar
his alcoholic problem is tearing apart his family
his alcoholic problem is tearing apart his family
Al-Anon? Been on one side of the problem. What dinosaur kept the other dinosaur's up at night. The snorasaurous.
What is this?
Clip, clop Clip clop Clip clop
BANG! BANG!
Clip, clop Clip clop Clip clop
An Amish drive by...
A Guy
Clip, clop Clip clop Clip clop
BANG! BANG!
Clip, clop Clip clop Clip clop
An Amish drive by...
A Guy
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I have heard these are pretty good. You may have the recipe already...Enjoy!
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
INGREDIENTS
1 cup water
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 (750 ml) bottle tequila, Jose Cuervo
Directions
1. Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup and drink.
4. Turn on the electric mixer.
5. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one peastoon of sugar
7. Beat again.
8. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still okay, try another cup just in case.
9. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
10. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose wit a drewscriver.
14. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
15. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
16. Two greeves cooky sheet thingies.
17. Check the Jose Cuervo.
18. Add one table.
19. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
20. Whatever you can find.
21. Greash the oven.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
24. Finally, eat the cooky dowgh, empty the Hose Quervo. Make sure to put the bodtle in the stuve with the wishdasher.
25. Cherry Mistmas !
P.S.
I happened to be fresh out of Jose Cuervo, so I substituted Jack Daniels - - - worked just fine!!!!!
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
INGREDIENTS
1 cup water
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 (750 ml) bottle tequila, Jose Cuervo
Directions
1. Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup and drink.
4. Turn on the electric mixer.
5. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one peastoon of sugar
7. Beat again.
8. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still okay, try another cup just in case.
9. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
10. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose wit a drewscriver.
14. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
15. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
16. Two greeves cooky sheet thingies.
17. Check the Jose Cuervo.
18. Add one table.
19. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
20. Whatever you can find.
21. Greash the oven.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
24. Finally, eat the cooky dowgh, empty the Hose Quervo. Make sure to put the bodtle in the stuve with the wishdasher.
25. Cherry Mistmas !
P.S.
I happened to be fresh out of Jose Cuervo, so I substituted Jack Daniels - - - worked just fine!!!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X I have heard these are pretty good. You may have the recipe already...Enjoy!
Delicious too.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden BB has the recipe for the cake.
Delicious too.
Delicious too.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp �� Quote: Originally Posted by xarden BB has the recipe for the cake.
Delicious too.
Delicious too.
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the f-ing ship?"
A Guy
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the f-ing ship?"
A Guy
Top Ten Bumper Stickers for the Starship Enterprise
- Our other starship separates into THREE pieces!
- One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it.
- HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!
- Guns don't kill people, Mark VII phaser rifles do.
- Zero to warp 9.7 in 3 seconds!
- CAUTION! We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical!
- If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?
- Have you hugged a Ferengi Today?
- Wesley on board!
- We break for cubes.
Hehe loving it.
My brain had a Registry Error.
I ran SFC/ scannow.
The report said it found nothing!
My doctor said the CT Scan found the same thing!
I ran SFC/ scannow.
The report said it found nothing!
My doctor said the CT Scan found the same thing!
I can relate!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X My brain had a Registry Error.
I ran SFC/ scannow.
The report said it found nothing!
My doctor said the CT Scan found the same thing!
I ran SFC/ scannow.
The report said it found nothing!
My doctor said the CT Scan found the same thing!
Having the doctor saying he found nothing in the CT Scan was a given.
We all could have told you that, even Topper, before you spent the money!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by gladson1976 Top Ten Bumper Stickers for the Starship Enterprise
- Our other starship separates into THREE pieces!
- One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it.
- HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!
- Guns don't kill people, Mark VII phaser rifles do.
- Zero to warp 9.7 in 3 seconds!
- CAUTION! We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical!
- If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?
- Have you hugged a Ferengi Today?
- Wesley on board!
- We break for cubes.
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?
Shouldn't laugh, domestic violence is a serious problem, but this is simply hilarious!
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