father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"
Bloke goes to the doctors with a rash on his testicles
the doctor sends him down the hall to the nurses room for treatment
the nurse has him take down his pants and underware
after a minute she says to him
"your going to have to stop masturbating"
"why " he says to the nurse
" because im trying to examine you" she says
the doctor sends him down the hall to the nurses room for treatment
the nurse has him take down his pants and underware
after a minute she says to him
"your going to have to stop masturbating"
"why " he says to the nurse
" because im trying to examine you" she says
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"
source: Hot Woman Jokes - page 2
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"
source: Hot Woman Jokes - page 2
A little girl became very curious as to how the human race came into existence and one day she asked her mother: "Mummy, how did the human race start out?"
Her mother replied: "Well, in the beginning God created Adam and Eve, and then they had children, and their children had children, and so on, and son, and here we are today."
The little girl was not entirely satisfied with her mother's answer, so she decided to ask her father as well. "Daddy, do you know how humans came into existence?"
Her father explained: "Well, we started out as monkeys. After a long time their bodies began to change shape and they began to lose their hair. Gradually, they became more like humans, and here we are today."
The little girl was by now totally confused by the two different answers so she went back to her mother and said: "Daddy just said we came from monkeys. Do Adam and Eve fit anywhere in there?"
Her mother quickly replied: "Oh, when I told you that we came from Adam and Eve, I was telling you where my side of the family came from."
Source: Daily Mail
Her mother replied: "Well, in the beginning God created Adam and Eve, and then they had children, and their children had children, and so on, and son, and here we are today."
The little girl was not entirely satisfied with her mother's answer, so she decided to ask her father as well. "Daddy, do you know how humans came into existence?"
Her father explained: "Well, we started out as monkeys. After a long time their bodies began to change shape and they began to lose their hair. Gradually, they became more like humans, and here we are today."
The little girl was by now totally confused by the two different answers so she went back to her mother and said: "Daddy just said we came from monkeys. Do Adam and Eve fit anywhere in there?"
Her mother quickly replied: "Oh, when I told you that we came from Adam and Eve, I was telling you where my side of the family came from."
Source: Daily Mail
Newfie Password
The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found Stevie O'Toole from Conception Bay (Newfoundland) using the following password:
MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa
When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, 'Lard t'underin geesus! Are yez blind er' stupid?
I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit' one capital
The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found Stevie O'Toole from Conception Bay (Newfoundland) using the following password:
MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa
When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, 'Lard t'underin geesus! Are yez blind er' stupid?
I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit' one capital
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves 
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"
source: Hot Woman Jokes - page 2
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"
source: Hot Woman Jokes - page 2
"MoeLarryCurlyABCDEFGH"
How about 3 characters and 8 Capitals.
How about 3 characters and 8 Capitals.
Mike that'll work also.... don't you mess up my joke... lol...
That was a joke? 
I thought you were giving out passwords so I was trying to help.
I thought you were giving out passwords so I was trying to help.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X That was a joke?
I thought you were giving out passwords so I was trying to help.
I thought you were giving out passwords so I was trying to help.
That's my password!!!
How did you get it?
How did you get it?
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, then shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, then shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Life Explained In Just One Email... Listen Up!!
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Fable of the porcupine
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others. This way they were able to survive. Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The real moral of the story......LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.
Luv it Howlin Wolves... so true!! And boy, do I know a load of porcupines...
Beware of older men....
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Beware of older men....
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves Beware of older men....
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
Dwarf,
I suppose you want my daily schedule of when I go to McDonalds so you can join!
Mike(Hopalong X and Nick(PooManUK) have already put in their bids.
THW
Don't tell me that Mike and Nick were with you at the time? Did you blindfold them or make them wear Topper's blinkers?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf Don't tell me that Mike and Nick were with you at the time? Did you blindfold them or make them wear Topper's blinkers?
No, they were sitting at the far table and couldn't see what I was up to!
Both knew I was up to no good by the grin I had on my face when I returned to help
them with their coloring books. Old geezer's can't even stay within the lines!
THW
How many F's are in the following sentence?
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULTS OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEAERS.
Did you count it right?
.s?????? x?s ??? ?????
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULTS OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEAERS.
Did you count it right?
.s?????? x?s ??? ?????
Um... I counted 4?
lol ok i got it now. realized where i missed
lol ok i got it now. realized where i missed
6 
A Guy
A Guy
I counted twelve, but then again, I am really drunk. 
I'll check back and see how many there are in the morning.
I'll check back and see how many there are in the morning.
PS: I do not drink. I just make dumb jokes about it.
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ****ing ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ****ing ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
Stand By Your Man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking, 'Oh my God!
Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking, 'Oh my God!
Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 ...'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
OHH Noooo.. I've been caught.. 
Did ya pick the cute cuddly pink one from the top shelf??? ROFL!!
A guy was sitting at a bar drinking a glass of beer. Pretty soon a monkey jumped on the bar and sat in the guys glass of beer. The guy looked at the bartender and said, "Hey bartender, that monkey put his ass in my beer." So the bartender gave him a new glass of beer. Before long the monkey did the same thing. The guy said, "That monkey did the same thing again." The bartender said," Hey mister, that's not my monkey. I'm not going to give you another free glass of beer. See that piano player over there. That's his monkey. Go tell him about it!" So the guy went over to the piano player and said, "Do you know your monkey put his ass in my beer?" The piano player said, "I don't think so, but if you hum it maybe I can play it."
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, �Windy, isn't it?�
�No,� the second man replied, �it's Thursday.�
And the third man chimed in, �So am I. Let's have a beer.�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say �Supersex.�
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, �Supersex.�
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, �I'll take the soup.�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, �Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.�
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, �How soon do you need to know?�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, �Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!�
Mildred turned to her and said, �Oh, crap, am I driving?�
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, �Windy, isn't it?�
�No,� the second man replied, �it's Thursday.�
And the third man chimed in, �So am I. Let's have a beer.�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say �Supersex.�
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, �Supersex.�
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, �I'll take the soup.�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, �Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.�
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, �How soon do you need to know?�
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, �Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!�
Mildred turned to her and said, �Oh, crap, am I driving?�
I didn't know where else to put this. News report.
Watch it at least until they put up the map of the intersection.
This will explain everything if you don't catch the problem in the video footage.
Watch it at least until they put up the map of the intersection.
This will explain everything if you don't catch the problem in the video footage.
Complaints Log For a Local Council in England
1. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off..
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
1. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off..
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
Should I really Join Facebook ?
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I dotoot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I dotoot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Ahhhhh TEXAS
Caution.. this language is a bit salty.
Dear Diary,
Just moved to Texas ! Now This is a state
That knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a
Problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But, getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:Fell asleep by the community pool.. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag,
Then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th:The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner
is on the Fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug.. 4th:Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th:If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.
Aug 10th:The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do crap for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state?
Water rationing is next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn
windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you Know how the trial goes.
Caution.. this language is a bit salty.
Dear Diary,
Just moved to Texas ! Now This is a state
That knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a
Problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But, getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:Fell asleep by the community pool.. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag,
Then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th:The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner
is on the Fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug.. 4th:Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th:If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.
Aug 10th:The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do crap for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state?
Water rationing is next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn
windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you Know how the trial goes.
LPT
My wife and I are both rolling on the floor laughing about Texas.
Best joke I ever read in 55 years!!!!
August 8th and 9th sound wonderful!
My wife and I are both rolling on the floor laughing about Texas.
Best joke I ever read in 55 years!!!!
August 8th and 9th sound wonderful!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X LPT
My wife and I are both rolling on the floor laughing about Texas.
Best joke I ever read in 55 years!!!!
August 8th and 9th sound wonderful?
My wife and I are both rolling on the floor laughing about Texas.
Best joke I ever read in 55 years!!!!
August 8th and 9th sound wonderful?
Mike,
It took you 55 years to learn how to read?
Mike WTG.. when I read it.... I just had to share it here.. I too rolled laughing out loud.. just hope no one passing the house could hear me .
Eileen was watching TV and I was half watching and reading the joke.
I started laughing so hard and loud Eileen looked at me with that "What the ??? is wrong with you" look.
She had to read it then.
Too funny!
I started laughing so hard and loud Eileen looked at me with that "What the ??? is wrong with you" look.
She had to read it then.
Too funny!
We all need a great laugh ocassionally.. this was our time.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend..
I so hope we get some much needed rain.. this is getting serious here..along with this awful heat.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend..
I so hope we get some much needed rain.. this is getting serious here..along with this awful heat.
"BAIL'EM OUT!? Heck, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
"What are we thinking"
"What are we thinking"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by the howling wolves "bail'em out!? Heck, back in 1990, the government seized the mustang ranch brothel in nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
"what are we thinking"
Attachment 166839
"what are we thinking"
Attachment 166839
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves "BAIL'EM OUT!? Heck, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
"What are we thinking"
Attachment 166839
"What are we thinking"
Attachment 166839
A professor at Michigan State University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
I was talking to a mate the other day. He said that he had just spent a great night making love to his girlfriend and it reminded him of Kim Bassinger and the film nine and a half weeks. I said I made love to my wife once a month and it was like that Bruce Lee film "Enter the Dragon"...
An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could upgrade him to a five-day cruise.
The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could upgrade him to a five-day cruise.
The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
Dog for Sale!!!!
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Name is Jethro. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Asian-street-name, Ho Lee Schitt
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Name is Jethro. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Asian-street-name, Ho Lee Schitt
MUSTARD:
Enjoy your lunch.................................
I Love Mustard; (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a
fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,
Gourmet Mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped
by my wife suddenly at my side.
Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said..
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers..
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
When you stop laughing, pass it on.
Enjoy your lunch.................................
I Love Mustard; (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a
fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,
Gourmet Mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped
by my wife suddenly at my side.
Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said..
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers..
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
When you stop laughing, pass it on.
My new Texas rain gauge!
Attachment 167435
Attachment 167435
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the oldGerman Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the oldGerman Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 MUSTARD:
Enjoy your lunch.................................
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
Enjoy your lunch.................................
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 MUSTARD:
Enjoy your lunch.................................
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
Enjoy your lunch.................................
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"
Would love to have two beautiful ladies sitting by my side instead of and old
stinking horse with an older wrinkled up cowpoke like yourself.
THW
Dennis after Kung Fu Pebbly and LPt open a can of whoop axxx on him.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver who had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it.'
Case dismissed.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver who had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it.'
Case dismissed.
Raising the Debt Ceiling is
like increasing Blood Alcohol Levels
to solve Drunk Driving!
like increasing Blood Alcohol Levels
to solve Drunk Driving!
Love Making Tips For Seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3 Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act...
8. Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Stand By Your Man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
You know you're getting old when your nearest and dearest says, "Let's run upstairs for some mad, passionate love!" and you reply, "It's one or t'other honey, I can't manage both!"
How do you make Holy Water?
Get some water....and boil the Hell out of it!
Get some water....and boil the Hell out of it!
That's a good one !!!!
Cat Lover or Not, this is funny!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold..
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold..
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew
LPt,
Well if that isn't a cats meow right from Pebbly's Naughty girl book!
Wonder how many photo's the Paramedics took to put on FaceBook?
THW
Well if that isn't a cats meow right from Pebbly's Naughty girl book!
Wonder how many photo's the Paramedics took to put on FaceBook?
THW
Me naughty Girl ???? Never... lol..
I've lost my Naughty Girl badge you made for Pebbly and me.
I've lost my Naughty Girl badge you made for Pebbly and me.
Just happened to have a back up for the both of you....
Dennis thank you bunches.. 
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank the Lord for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little beauty was going to bark!"
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank the Lord for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little beauty was going to bark!"
A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
. Loved what ive read so far, so will contribute. If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
A fellow from the lower states moved to Alaska. He was told by the locals, if he wanted to fit in he had to complete 3 tasks.
1) Drink a bottle of whiskey.
2) Make love to an Eskimo woman.
3) Wrestle a grizzly bear.
So he drinks the whiskey and then heads out the door. Two hours later he stumbles back into the cabin and his cloths are all ripped and he is all scratched up.
He says "got two tasks done now where is that Eskimo woman I have to wrestle?"
Jim
1) Drink a bottle of whiskey.
2) Make love to an Eskimo woman.
3) Wrestle a grizzly bear.
So he drinks the whiskey and then heads out the door. Two hours later he stumbles back into the cabin and his cloths are all ripped and he is all scratched up.
He says "got two tasks done now where is that Eskimo woman I have to wrestle?"
Jim
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Love the punchline....
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...55516377210027
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...55516377210027
�� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Love the punchline....
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
�� Quote: Originally Posted by derekimo �� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Love the punchline....
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
Oh my, this is great.
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!"
"Bring them along!" said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!" he answered.
"Bring them, as well!" answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!"
A Guy
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!"
"Bring them along!" said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!" he answered.
"Bring them, as well!" answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!"
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Love the punchline....
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
Banned commercials: Visa priceless video
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them They decided it maybe was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
Will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
In the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
Because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis,
Because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss,
Because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
Will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
In the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
Because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis,
Because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss,
Because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
In Google search write ''Find Chuck Norris''
Then click and read the first result.
Then click and read the first result.
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut..
I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut..
I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
This guy went on a cruise around the Hawaiian Islands and 2 days later the ships engine blew up spectacularly and caused the ship to sink. The guy managed to stuggle onto a door that was floating nearby and waited for rescue. Eventually, after 3 days of being adrift, he got washed up onto a beach and was found by a beautiful young Hawaiian girl. She said "Is there anything I can do for you?". The guy replied " I've been adrift 3 days and I am terribly thirsty, can you give me a drink of nice cool water?" The girl returns with a bottle of pure cool clear water which the man gulps down. "Is there anything else I can get you?" asks the girl smoothing her hands down over her shapely hips. The guy replies "Well, actually, I haven't eaten since the ship sank and I am kinda hungry". Ten minutes later the girl returns with a huge sizzling steak on a platter with all the trimmings. The guy thanks her profusely and sets about demolishing the steak. When he has finished, the girl asks "Is there anything else I can get you?" running her hands up and down her body in a most suggestive manner. The guy sits there thinking so the girl asks "Don't you want to play around?"
.
.
The guy replies "Don't tell me you play golf"
.
.
The guy replies "Don't tell me you play golf"
In a tiny Irish village lived a little old lady who was a virgin and proud of it.
Sensing that her last days were fast approaching, she went to see her local undertaker, who also happened to be the village postman too.
One of her last wishes was that she had the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
She passed away soon afterwards and the undertaker/postman thought long and hard how he could engrave her inscription on her tombstone's limited space.
Finally, after much deliberation, he discarded his undertaker's hat and put on his postman's one as he came up with this inspired inscription:
Sensing that her last days were fast approaching, she went to see her local undertaker, who also happened to be the village postman too.
One of her last wishes was that she had the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"Born A Virgin, Lived As A Virgin, Died A Virgin"
She passed away soon afterwards and the undertaker/postman thought long and hard how he could engrave her inscription on her tombstone's limited space.
Finally, after much deliberation, he discarded his undertaker's hat and put on his postman's one as he came up with this inspired inscription:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for another year......
He decided to stick it out for another year......
Can I just include one massive groan to cover the last page of jokes?
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"
A women was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was j***ing off and I shot the dog!"
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was j***ing off and I shot the dog!"
A Girls First Time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
This will top Pebbly's jokes.................
Harlequin novel, version 2011
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and
guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we
were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice, close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong,
calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward
along my calves. Slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His
touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my
thighs, I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse
was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage and
then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his
hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my
panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting
and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he Wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . .. . ..
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
Harlequin novel, version 2011
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and
guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we
were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice, close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong,
calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward
along my calves. Slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His
touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my
thighs, I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse
was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage and
then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his
hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my
panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting
and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he Wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . .. . ..
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
Little humor to break up the day.
� Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
� Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
� Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed!
Dennis I know I'm the Naughty Girl today..Attachment 168888
� Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
� Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
� Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed!
Dennis I know I'm the Naughty Girl today..Attachment 168888
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Little humor to break up the day.
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed!
Dennis is over 5000 years old. WOW!
I thought he was just 3000+ years.
I thought he was just 3000+ years.
Jim
Mike I never was very good with math..
Well he is older than Moses so....... add at least one more year to Dennis's age.
It is odd one of them ended up at the Promised Land and the other in Disney Land.
It is odd one of them ended up at the Promised Land and the other in Disney Land.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp Can I just include one massive groan to cover the last page of jokes?
feel free to laugh out loud however.. if the neighbors knock on your door tell them you've been reading a joke book.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 �� Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp Can I just include one massive groan to cover the last page of jokes?
feel free to laugh out loud however.. if the neighbors knock on your door tell them you've been reading a joke book.
LPt,
I like it when Prof groans. Makes me all excited.
Mike is always snoring. Time to put a pillow over his head.
Modernizing the Church
The elderly priest speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.
''The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''
''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''
''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''
''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''
''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"
The elderly priest speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.
''The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''
''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''
''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''
''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''
''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)
Ah! The Swedes and Norwegians are fine Mechanical Engineers....
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole are currently serving in the United States Senate!
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole are currently serving in the United States Senate!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)
Not going to send this on...........Going to return it to sender!!
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Email to wife (wrong recipient)
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile� somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband�s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow�s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I�ve Reached Safely
Date: 7th August, 2011
I know you�re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.
I�ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was �
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile� somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband�s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow�s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I�ve Reached Safely
Date: 7th August, 2011
I know you�re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.
I�ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was �
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Borg 386 First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
nice one �� Quote: Originally Posted by omi08 Email to wife (wrong recipient)
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile� somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband�s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow�s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I�ve Reached Safely
Date: 7th August, 2011
I know you�re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.
I�ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was �
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile� somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband�s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow�s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I�ve Reached Safely
Date: 7th August, 2011
I know you�re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.
I�ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was �
5 OLD LADIES
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the
back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks
the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and
they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the
back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks
the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and
they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.."
Two British men in Hamburg were approached by Swiss tourist who asked in German whether they knew the way to the railway station.
When they intimated with a shrug of the shoulders that they couldn't understand the language the Swiss tourist repeated the request in French, and then Spanish and Italian before turning on his heels and walking away in disgust that his request for information had failed miserably.
At that, one of the British men turned to his colleague and said; "You know, we really should make the effort to learn another language."
"What for?" replied his friend; "He knew four languages and look where that got him!"
When they intimated with a shrug of the shoulders that they couldn't understand the language the Swiss tourist repeated the request in French, and then Spanish and Italian before turning on his heels and walking away in disgust that his request for information had failed miserably.
At that, one of the British men turned to his colleague and said; "You know, we really should make the effort to learn another language."
"What for?" replied his friend; "He knew four languages and look where that got him!"
Sign in an auto repair shop:
We have three kinds of service: Quick, Good and Cheap
If it's quick & cheap, it can't be good.
If it's good & cheap, it can't be quick.
If it's good & quick, it can't be cheap.
We have three kinds of service: Quick, Good and Cheap
If it's quick & cheap, it can't be good.
If it's good & cheap, it can't be quick.
If it's good & quick, it can't be cheap.
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves 5 OLD LADIES
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the
back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks
the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and
they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the
back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't
speeding, but you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks
the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and
they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by boohbah Bloke goes to the doctors with a rash on his testicles
the doctor sends him down the hall to the nurses room for treatment
the nurse has him take down his pants and underware
after a minute she says to him
"your going to have to stop masturbating"
"why " he says to the nurse
" because im trying to examine you" she says
the doctor sends him down the hall to the nurses room for treatment
the nurse has him take down his pants and underware
after a minute she says to him
"your going to have to stop masturbating"
"why " he says to the nurse
" because im trying to examine you" she says
THE ITALIAN MAN OF THE HOUSE
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After wards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The fin' funeral director would be my first guess.'
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After wards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The fin' funeral director would be my first guess.'
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol. It will be called the "Congressman". It doesn't work & you can't fire it.
I think we've had those for years now.. hopefully this will be corrected in 2012.
Little Aaron, who was Jewish, was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, and everything else they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Aaron and enrolled him in a special program at a local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??
"No", said little Aaron.
WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.
Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??
"No", said little Aaron.
WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.
Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by djl47 Little Aaron, who was Jewish, was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, and everything else they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Aaron and enrolled him in a special program at a local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??
"No", said little Aaron.
WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.
Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??
"No", said little Aaron.
WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.
Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
* * *
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin...
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread."
If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said "milk," don't Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat! Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Readers Digest. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's thirty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors!
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from San Francisco to Santa Rosa.
In San Francisco, nineteen people get on the bus;
In Sausilito, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Mill Valley, five people get off and four get on.
In San Rafael, eleven people get off and sixteen people get on.
In Petaluma, three people get off and five people get on
In Cotati, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive in Santa Rosa.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name?
It was YOU!!
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
* * *
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin...
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread."
If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said "milk," don't Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat! Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Readers Digest. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's thirty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors!
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from San Francisco to Santa Rosa.
In San Francisco, nineteen people get on the bus;
In Sausilito, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Mill Valley, five people get off and four get on.
In San Rafael, eleven people get off and sixteen people get on.
In Petaluma, three people get off and five people get on
In Cotati, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive in Santa Rosa.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name?
It was YOU!!
Quote:
You are driving a bus from San Francisco to Santa Rosa.
I don't even have a bus pass.
So if your trying to accuse me of stealing that bus forget it.
I was never in San Francisco or Stanta Rosa.
I have never been to California in my life.
So go find some other sucker to interrogate about your stolen bus!
Arnold
(ex-governator, ex-husband)
I conquer..
- er, sorry - concur..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves The very first Original sin was.......................
Attachment 146573
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
Attachment 146573
Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
I agree!!
This is a must read to the end
Moral of this story is.......BRILLIANT!!
This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story....
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story....
In the dead of summer, a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh....if I go down three inches,
I will feel the mist
from the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh....if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh....if that fly goes down three inches,
that fish will jump for the fly....
and I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches....
and that fish leaps for it....
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
enough activity on one river bank,
but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches....
and that fish jumps for that fly....
and that bear grabs for that fish....
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
this particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh.....if that fly goes down three inches....
and that fish jumps for that fly,
and that bear grabs for that fish,
and that hunter shoots that bear,
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly....
The bear grabs the fish....
The hunter shoots the bear....
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich....
The cat jumps for the mouse....
The mouse ducks....
The cat falls intothe water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
Regards and sorry
UKMedia
UKMedia,
Are you out to challenge Pebbly for her Naughty Title?
Good Luck if you are.....
THW
Are you out to challenge Pebbly for her Naughty Title?
Good Luck if you are.....
THW
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctor,
engineer, accountant and lawyer and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed
the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far
away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said,"I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible
and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I
met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama
just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, The
house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind.. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. It was ages since I had nice chicken, and the
chicken you sent was very delicious. Thank you."
engineer, accountant and lawyer and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed
the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far
away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said,"I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible
and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I
met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama
just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, The
house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind.. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. It was ages since I had nice chicken, and the
chicken you sent was very delicious. Thank you."
Don't know if this one has been posted before but it made me chuckle.
Little Girl On A Plane
A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"
Then she went back to reading her book
Little Girl On A Plane
A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"
Then she went back to reading her book
Should I Really Join Facebook ? (Priceless)
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
AND really quite true!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the thirty-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great-grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue Tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
AND really quite true!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the thirty-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great-grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue Tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Joan
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Joan Archer �� Quote: Originally Posted by djl47 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Joan Archer dj,
When you get our age you sometimes forget things.
Now if I could remember what I was doing before I posted my answer!
THW
Dangerous new computer virus
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced antivirus programs cannot remove ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
- Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
- Causes you to send blank e-mail.
- Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
- Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
- Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
- Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've
When you get senile you loose some of your faculties.
The first is memory but I don't remember the rest.
Jim
The first is memory but I don't remember the rest.
Jim
Older gentleman to younger gentleman, "I have forgotten more than you have learned in your entire life time.......what were we discussing?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Older gentleman to younger gentleman, "I have forgotten more than you have learned in your entire life time.......what were we discussing?"
Weren't we discussing the Fax's of Life?
I am sooooo gonna use that bi-sacksual thing the next time I'm in the grocery store.
- Why, it seems like only yesterday..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X Older gentleman to younger gentleman, "I have forgotten more than you have learned in your entire life time.......what were we discussing?"
Weren't we discussing the Fax's of Life?
�� Quote: Originally Posted by BugMeister - Why, it seems like only yesterday..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by BugMeister - Why, it seems like only yesterday..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
- what does?
Tuesday..
NB: obviously this joke works best on a Wednesday,
but there are alternative versions for each day of the week..
Now that it is Thursday everyone can come back next week on Wednesday so the joke Bugmeister posted makes sense.
It's still Wednesday for me, so it must be for you as well, seeing as though you are 6hrs behind me (2pm BST - 8am your time).
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92
year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could
have sex... he could also fly.'
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92
year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could
have sex... he could also fly.'
An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help but notice how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read:
"Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read:
"Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party....
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party....
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."
Q: How do you make Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez sing the same note?
A: Shoot Justin and put some voice editing on Selena.
A: Shoot Justin and put some voice editing on Selena.
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied,"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Good one andsome.
The best one-liner (subjective, I know) at the Edinburgh Fringe this year was the one about the rookie computer user who was asked to create a user-account password with eight characters.
He chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!
He chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 The best one-liner (subjective, I know) at the Edinburgh Fringe this year was the one about the rookie computer user who was asked to create a user-account password with eight characters.
He chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!
He chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by andsome For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied,"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
A woman went into a butcher's shop the other day and asked the butcher: "Is that a sheep's head in the window?"
"No madam," he replied. "It's a mirror."
"No madam," he replied. "It's a mirror."
A dwarf was on a holiday flight to Spain.
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by damien76 A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Sound like Hopalong has taken Topper for a ride thru the neighborhood.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 A dwarf was on a holiday flight to Spain.
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by damien76 A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
There are three moms. .
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"
The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"
The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 A dwarf was on a holiday flight to Spain.
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
He'd just put his duty-free bag in the overhead locker when it came crashing down, spilling booze all over the place.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bright young flight attendant. "I'm not bloody happy," he snapped back.
"In that case," she asked: "which one are you?"
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
A very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the end of the bar.
The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, "I know, you want a Busch..."
The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch makes my pussy hurt."
The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"
The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, "I know, you want a Busch..."
The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch makes my pussy hurt."
Pebbly now that you are back..............
Let me award you the
badge again!
Let me award you the
badge again!
There once was a lady Ann Heiser
Who thought that no man would surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
Found a Busch in her pants
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
Who thought that no man would surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
Found a Busch in her pants
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied, "Madam, it was and she is."
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied, "Madam, it was and she is."
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.
Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"
The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.
Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"
The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"
Oh Pebbly. Hahahahahahahah.......................
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"
A man is driving home late one Halloween night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground is placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground is placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
A blind man walks into a bar. Sits down and orders a drink. He then asks if anyone wants to hear a blond joke. The bartender says before you tell your joke you need to know that I am a blond and a female weight lifter, the girl on your right is blond and a professional wrestler and the girl on your left is blond and a professional boxer. Now do you really want to tell a blond joke? He thinks a minuet and replies, never mind I don't want to explain the joke 3 times.
Jim
Jim
This is thankfully not from this forum.
"How do i check my computer's memory usage?"
"I have a dell laptop and I want to check the memory usage on it. Any help?"
Best Answer - Chosen by......
"Check you hardisk. Go to my computer and see your hardisk then it you find one of your hardisk. Click right click and then you will see a list and then choose properties. For me my hardisk is in local disk c"
"How do i check my computer's memory usage?"
"I have a dell laptop and I want to check the memory usage on it. Any help?"
Best Answer - Chosen by......
"Check you hardisk. Go to my computer and see your hardisk then it you find one of your hardisk. Click right click and then you will see a list and then choose properties. For me my hardisk is in local disk c"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by panais This is thankfully not from this forum.
"How do i check my computer's memory usage?"
"I have a dell laptop and I want to check the memory usage on it. Any help?"
Best Answer - Chosen by......
"Check you hardisk. Go to my computer and see your hardisk then it you find one of your hardisk. Click right click and then you will see a list and then choose properties. For me my hardisk is in local disk c"
"How do i check my computer's memory usage?"
"I have a dell laptop and I want to check the memory usage on it. Any help?"
Best Answer - Chosen by......
"Check you hardisk. Go to my computer and see your hardisk then it you find one of your hardisk. Click right click and then you will see a list and then choose properties. For me my hardisk is in local disk c"
Maybe a Dell OSsux.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man A blind man walks into a bar. Sits down and orders a drink. He then asks if anyone wants to hear a blond joke. The bartender says before you tell your joke you need to know that I am a blond and a female weight lifter, the girl on your right is blond and a professional wrestler and the girl on your left is blond and a professional boxer. Now do you really want to tell a blond joke? He thinks a minuet and replies, never mind I don't want to explain the joke 3 times.
Jim
Jim
The Wee Button
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly?
I can't button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says, "My God, what happened to
ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she
did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly?
I can't button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says, "My God, what happened to
ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she
did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
A man was given a parrot as a birthday gift. Unfortunately, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word screeched by the parrot was rude, obnoxious and laced with swearwords.
The man tried everything he could to stop the parrot from swearing too much, but he finally lost patience and yelled at the parrot to shut up. The parrott swore even more profusely, which made the man haul it out of its cage and shake it furiously, but the more the parrot was shook the angrier it became.
In desperation, the man grabbed the parrot and threw it in the freezer and closed the lid. For a few minutes the parrot kicked and squawked, but then there was total silence.
Fearing he'd gone too far, the man quickly opened the freezer lid. The parrot very calmly stepped out of the freezer and stood on the man's outstretched hands and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm very sorry for all the trouble I've caused you and I intend to do anything I can to correct my obnoxious behaviour."
The man was absolutely stunned at this contrite reaction by the parrot, but as he was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change in attitude, the bird spoke, very softly.
"If it's not too much trouble, may I ask what the chicken did?"
The man tried everything he could to stop the parrot from swearing too much, but he finally lost patience and yelled at the parrot to shut up. The parrott swore even more profusely, which made the man haul it out of its cage and shake it furiously, but the more the parrot was shook the angrier it became.
In desperation, the man grabbed the parrot and threw it in the freezer and closed the lid. For a few minutes the parrot kicked and squawked, but then there was total silence.
Fearing he'd gone too far, the man quickly opened the freezer lid. The parrot very calmly stepped out of the freezer and stood on the man's outstretched hands and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm very sorry for all the trouble I've caused you and I intend to do anything I can to correct my obnoxious behaviour."
The man was absolutely stunned at this contrite reaction by the parrot, but as he was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change in attitude, the bird spoke, very softly.
"If it's not too much trouble, may I ask what the chicken did?"
Lol, a repeat, but still good
A Guy
A Guy
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job, given her liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."
The foreman frowned and said, I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."
Due to a power outage, The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
She quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!
She quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!
Ring Ringrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi, Honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But Honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, Honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool'? ............**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi, Honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But Honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, Honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool'? ............**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*
An old Les Dawson joke or two about his mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law lay at death's door, but I said to the wife: "Don't worry, I'll pull her through."
When my mother-in-law visits, the mice jump on the traps.
I always keep a picture of the mother-in-law hanging over the fireplace. Well, it keeps the kids away from the fire.
When the mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I thought: "Good Lord, I didn't think they worked!"
My mother-in-law lay at death's door, but I said to the wife: "Don't worry, I'll pull her through."
When my mother-in-law visits, the mice jump on the traps.
I always keep a picture of the mother-in-law hanging over the fireplace. Well, it keeps the kids away from the fire.
When the mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I thought: "Good Lord, I didn't think they worked!"
From a Home Economics textbook printed in the '60s
...Once you have both retired to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom. Remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply facecream or hairproducts, wait until he is asleep, as this can be quite shocking to a man last thing at night.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations, it is important to remember your marriage vows and your commitment to obey him. Should your husband suggest congress, then accede humbly, all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, you should be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then promptly fall asleep so, adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your nightime face and hair products.
Jeez, was that the 1860s or the 1960s?
I just showed it to my wife and she's threatened me with divorce if I initiate conjugal rights without her say so!!
I just showed it to my wife and she's threatened me with divorce if I initiate conjugal rights without her say so!!
The Italian who went to Malta
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two piss. She say go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later, I go eat at bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock onna the table. She say you better not fock onna table you sonna ma bitch.
I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed you sonna ma bitch.
I go to checkout and man on desk say "peace on you". I say "piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy"!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******."
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday. She was a bit lonely.
She thought... "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills, flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places; thick wavy hair; long powerful legs; a dazzling smile; and six-pack abs. She felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.
She figured: What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am. How may I help you?"
Oh, my, he sounded sooooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in:
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"
He said... "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
She thought... "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills, flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places; thick wavy hair; long powerful legs; a dazzling smile; and six-pack abs. She felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.
She figured: What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am. How may I help you?"
Oh, my, he sounded sooooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in:
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"
He said... "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
A guy checked into a hotel. After he got settled he was being bothered by a bunch of flies. After repeated calls to the front desk with no relief he fixed the problem himself. The next morning when checking out the desk clerk asked about the fly problem. The guy stated he took care of the problem by bunching them in he corner. The clerk ask what he had done to bunch them, He stated "I took a shit in the corner"
Jim
Jim
Clintonvhp
Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders............
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders............
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'f**k or drown'."
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'f**k or drown'."
A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.
Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and screw."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"
Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and screw."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man A guy checked into a hotel. After he got settled he was being bothered by a bunch of flies. After repeated calls to the front desk with no relief he fixed the problem himself. The next morning when checking out the desk clerk asked about the fly problem. The guy stated he took care of the problem by bunching them in he corner. The clerk ask what he had done to bunch them, He stated "I took a shit in the corner"
Jim
Jim
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5.. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5.. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
�� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.............
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the young woman, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over. So now we're going to visit Sea World."
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the young woman, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over. So now we're going to visit Sea World."
�� Quote: Originally Posted by dreamer �� Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.............
Caring the bucket of sand is his handy cap I think. Kind of like a stroke in golf.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old mates.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the pub, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop....but at the pub..you know...they have
frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the pub
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the pub... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old mates.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the pub, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop....but at the pub..you know...they have
frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the pub
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the pub... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise...
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.
"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.*.*.K.."
Shocked, they said, "F.*.*.K? What do you mean F.*.*.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.*.*.K.
Foist U Could Knock!
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.
"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.*.*.K.."
Shocked, they said, "F.*.*.K? What do you mean F.*.*.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.*.*.K.
Foist U Could Knock!
A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"
The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"
Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"
Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".
Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"
Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?"
The boy says "Because your finger smells like P U S S Y !"
The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"
Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"
Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".
Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"
Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?"
The boy says "Because your finger smells like P U S S Y !"
I hope I don't get banned for this one.
Traffic police on the M1 in Nottinghamshire clocked a car doing 115 mph.
With great aplomb they pulled him over and asked if he realised he was breaking the speed limit, and then asked to see his driving licence.
Unfortunately, the driver hadn't got his driving licence with him, so the cop asked him who he was.
The driver replied; "My name is William Walter W***ing-Break and I work for the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company from Bungay in Suffolk." And with that he gave the cop his business card.
"Very well, Sir," replied the cop, "you can go now, but you'll be receiving a summons for speeding very soon."
With that, the traffic cop drove back to the police station and when he arrived he thought it best to check whether this William Walter W***king-Break was really who he said he was.
He dialled the number on the business card, and after three rings a girl with a delightful Welsh lilt to her voice said, "Good afternoon. This is the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company of Bungay in Suffolk. How may I help you?"
"Have you got a W***king-Break at your place?" asked the traffic cop.
"W***king break," she replied indignantly. "W***king break? You've got to be bloody joking! Our boss is that mean, we don't even get a tea break!"
Traffic police on the M1 in Nottinghamshire clocked a car doing 115 mph.
With great aplomb they pulled him over and asked if he realised he was breaking the speed limit, and then asked to see his driving licence.
Unfortunately, the driver hadn't got his driving licence with him, so the cop asked him who he was.
The driver replied; "My name is William Walter W***ing-Break and I work for the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company from Bungay in Suffolk." And with that he gave the cop his business card.
"Very well, Sir," replied the cop, "you can go now, but you'll be receiving a summons for speeding very soon."
With that, the traffic cop drove back to the police station and when he arrived he thought it best to check whether this William Walter W***king-Break was really who he said he was.
He dialled the number on the business card, and after three rings a girl with a delightful Welsh lilt to her voice said, "Good afternoon. This is the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company of Bungay in Suffolk. How may I help you?"
"Have you got a W***king-Break at your place?" asked the traffic cop.
"W***king break," she replied indignantly. "W***king break? You've got to be bloody joking! Our boss is that mean, we don't even get a tea break!"
@seavixen32, it'd really help in understanding the joke if you remove those *** I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)
I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb) Rhymes with Spanking
A Guy
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Paarkhi @seavixen32, it'd really help in understanding the joke if you remove those *** I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)
I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb) THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
Which goes to show you that SHIT HAPPENS on a daily basis.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
objoke
The three quotes used the most by pilots:
1. Why is it doing that?
2. Where are we?
3. Holy shit!
An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically,"What are looking at old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "When I was in the Navy I got drunk and screwed a parrot. Thought you might be my son."
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "When I was in the Navy I got drunk and screwed a parrot. Thought you might be my son."
Bill and Blanche
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the county fair every year. And every year, Bill would say "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair and Bill said "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied "Bill, that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you just say one word it's twenty quid."
Bill and Blanche agreed, and so up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manouevres, but not a single word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a single word was heard.
Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Bill. He said "By 'eck, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Bill replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out but, you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the county fair every year. And every year, Bill would say "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair and Bill said "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied "Bill, that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"
The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you just say one word it's twenty quid."
Bill and Blanche agreed, and so up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manouevres, but not a single word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a single word was heard.
Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Bill. He said "By 'eck, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Bill replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out but, you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"
Ahahaha. Good one Dwarf.
Billy is standing in a field looking at an overturned hay wagon with a worried look on his face when the neighbor drives by on his tractor.
"Hey Billy..." yells the neighbor, "why dont'cha hop on & we'll go get us some dinner at my house. Come on, sit a spell & forget your troubles..."
Billy says: "Well, thank you much Mr. Parsons, but I don't reckon Pa would like it very much"
"Nonsense!" says Mr Parsons, "Me & your Pa have been friends for over 20 years, he ain't gonna mind you stopping over for some dinner, now I insist, c'mon along son"
Billy nervously looks at him and says: "Well, OK sir, if you reckon my Pa won't mind..."
At the dinner table, Billy is somewhat quiet, so Mr. Parsons asks: "By the way boy...where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon sir...."
"Hey Billy..." yells the neighbor, "why dont'cha hop on & we'll go get us some dinner at my house. Come on, sit a spell & forget your troubles..."
Billy says: "Well, thank you much Mr. Parsons, but I don't reckon Pa would like it very much"
"Nonsense!" says Mr Parsons, "Me & your Pa have been friends for over 20 years, he ain't gonna mind you stopping over for some dinner, now I insist, c'mon along son"
Billy nervously looks at him and says: "Well, OK sir, if you reckon my Pa won't mind..."
At the dinner table, Billy is somewhat quiet, so Mr. Parsons asks: "By the way boy...where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon sir...."
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds.Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds.Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
- They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
- Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
I know it's a joke, but some people would regard the mentioned statements as facts. The physical part are meant for morale, cohesion, and physical readiness -.-. It was especially on the Korean war that the Army realized that running is a big deal when soldiers would die because they run out of energy quick because they can't take cover fast enough.
Also, I've had a 42 year old woman in basic, and my god we hated her because she had the mindset of an adult. You know, being older than our 30 year old drill sgt and all. "It's all about rank, not age" our DS would say. Yet she's still stubborn. The constant smoking doesn't really help either but it was fun
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
Howling Wolves great post # 1821. I'm also a long range varmint hunter; their has to be a need for two legged varmint hunters. See my Sig, not a lot of running going on there either.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by arkhi The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
"John." the new seaman replied.
"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"
"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye. Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."
DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIAAugust 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home inKarratha, Western Australia.Now this is a town that knows how to live!Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditionedcar.What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into asun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!
!September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lotsof palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, butI love it here. It's Paradise!
October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windythough. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than weexpected.
October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before Ileft for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to theupholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned mylesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant ****ing blowdryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink andthe repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to orderparts from ****ing Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven'tarrived for the ****ing air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all beensleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and wecan't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makesit feel about 35. Stupid repairman. ****ing thief.November 8 - If one more smart ******* says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'mgoing to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, thecar radiator is boiling over, my ****ing clothes are soaking ****ing wet andI smell like baked cat. ****ing place is the end of the Earth.
November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat onthe black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my ****ing arse was onfire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and offmy ****ing arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and bakedcat.****. ****.. ****.
November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hotand sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes!It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weathermansays it might really warm up next week. ****!
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Waterrestrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up andblow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****inghell-hole are the ****ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear ofswallowing half a dozen of the little *******s!
November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now theair conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ingarse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out ofjail for assaulting the stupid prick.****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want tolive here!
December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kiddingme!cheers
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditionedcar.What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into asun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!
!September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lotsof palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, butI love it here. It's Paradise!
October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windythough. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than weexpected.
October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before Ileft for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to theupholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned mylesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant ****ing blowdryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink andthe repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to orderparts from ****ing Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven'tarrived for the ****ing air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all beensleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and wecan't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makesit feel about 35. Stupid repairman. ****ing thief.November 8 - If one more smart ******* says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'mgoing to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, thecar radiator is boiling over, my ****ing clothes are soaking ****ing wet andI smell like baked cat. ****ing place is the end of the Earth.
November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat onthe black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my ****ing arse was onfire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and offmy ****ing arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and bakedcat.****. ****.. ****.
November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hotand sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes!It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weathermansays it might really warm up next week. ****!
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Waterrestrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up andblow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****inghell-hole are the ****ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear ofswallowing half a dozen of the little *******s!
November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now theair conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ingarse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out ofjail for assaulting the stupid prick.****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want tolive here!
December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kiddingme!cheers
'OUR FIRST WINTER IN SCOTLAND'.....
DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars �500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. �100 to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - �2000 . Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush . That b....rd snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.
JAN 9th More ****ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f..ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th ****ing b.....d white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr..ks arse it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch that f..kpig that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b.....d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'f...ing' Schumacher and buries the f...ing driveway again.
JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of f...ing snow and f...ing ice and f...ing sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.
Can't move my f...ing toes or my twatting fingers. Haven't seen the sun for 5 b....rd weeks. Minus 20 and more f...ing snow forecast
BOLLOCKS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON !!
DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars �500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. �100 to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - �2000 . Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush . That b....rd snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.
JAN 9th More ****ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f..ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th ****ing b.....d white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr..ks arse it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch that f..kpig that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b.....d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'f...ing' Schumacher and buries the f...ing driveway again.
JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of f...ing snow and f...ing ice and f...ing sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.
Can't move my f...ing toes or my twatting fingers. Haven't seen the sun for 5 b....rd weeks. Minus 20 and more f...ing snow forecast
BOLLOCKS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON !!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by simmo DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIAAugust 31 - ...
Poems - Pagett, M.P.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by periboob Good story, but I prefer the Kipling version
Poems - Pagett, M.P.
Poems - Pagett, M.P.
guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?
GOTCHA!
Now it's your turn to tag someone else!
Have a great week!
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?
GOTCHA!
Now it's your turn to tag someone else!
Have a great week!
NEW WEDDING STYLE
PRIEST: Do you agree to change your facebook status from single to married?
BOY AND GIRL: I Do!
PRIEST: I now pronounce you as Husband and Wife. Congratulations, you may now upload your wedding pictures and don't forget to tag me.
PRIEST: Do you agree to change your facebook status from single to married?
BOY AND GIRL: I Do!
PRIEST: I now pronounce you as Husband and Wife. Congratulations, you may now upload your wedding pictures and don't forget to tag me.
25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Today we have Obama, no cash and no hope.
Today we have Obama, no cash and no hope.
Christmas Golf Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"
Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU F***ERS!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU F***ERS!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?
"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?
"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?
"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?
"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
...presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
...presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X ... consider a group of Baboons.
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.
Is there an icon for snorting Bombay Sapphire out my nose?PS: You forgot a covey of quail.
Quote:
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Quote:
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
Dwarf
We have a No Return policy on exported baboons and Congressmen.
We can ship the entire city of Washington D.C. to you including our Republican Presidential candidates.
Not a leader among them, all baboons.
I think you have a few uninhabited Isles to the north of Scotland that would be a perfect new location.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by wilywombat Quote:
I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!
Dwarf
We have a No Return policy on exported baboons and Congressmen.
We can ship the entire city of Washington D.C. to you including our Republican Presidential candidates.
Not a leader among them, all baboons.
I think you have a few uninhabited Isles to the north of Scotland that would be a perfect new location.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf It's a deal... on one major condition, and that is you take our good for nothing MPs in exchange. We'll take your Congressmen as we will need something to feed the baboons, and they'll do nicely. It'll probably also be the first (and only) time that any good has come out of any of them.
We have Alcatraz and several Dry Tortugas which includes Fort Jefferson below for the new residents.
Dry Tortugas - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Fort Jefferson. Moat can include salt water crocs'.
Cozy little Restaurant :
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Cozy little Restaurant :
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
A Cozy Little Restaurant, An Exceptionally Beautiful Woman, and a Bottle of Merlot...
I remember her as if it was yesterday; a shame she was so picky. Ah well. .. J
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
Says in here LPt............You are still a Naughty Girl!
Dennis .. OHHH No...... not again.. I've been caught .
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Dennis .. OHHH No...... not again.. I've been caught .
The brand is Ripple
I have no money and owe everyone even the shirt off my back...
But I do qualify with your last request....as long as you accept the endowment plan.
Pleasant dreams my Razorback Lady...zzzzzzzzzzzzz
This is for Hopalong X and a few other of you old farts!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves This is for Hopalong X and a few other of you old farts!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on October 8, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
Well..... Someone sent it to me and I�m not going alone!
It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
The Federal Reserve prints all they want.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
The Federal Reserve prints all they want.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves I have tried printing my own..................I even put my own picture on it.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves I have tried printing my own..................I even put my own picture on it.
Don't be laughing at me.....I cashed some of it in and got Euro money in exchange..
Next plan is to get pesos's!
When I get through I will buy you a new computer.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 It's just been announced that the Bank of England has announced it has authorised the printing of another �75 billion to pump into the economy.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
That's the bankers' bonuses taken care of then.
What really pisses me off though is that if I print a few banknotes and get caught, I'm done for forgery. The shysters in charge can print billions of banknotes and they are considered to be saving the economy.
Perverse.
The Federal Reserve prints all they want.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 We have a picture of an old queen on ours.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
SEAVIXEN,
Mike was coming after me and my printing my picture on some currency.
At lease I hope he was...hehehe
Come on Mike give me your best shot!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X I probably can't post my response without getting banned.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
It has nothing to do with your Queen.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
SEAVIXEN,
Mike was coming after me and my printing my picture on some currency.
At lease I hope he was...hehehe
Come on Mike give me your best shot!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 �� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 Oh, I can well understand where you're coming from, hence the cheeky devil smiley attached to my comment.
I know that sometimes our attempts at humour sometimes get lost in translation, but it didn't take you long to figure out what I was saying.
SEAVIXEN,
Mike was coming after me and my printing my picture on some currency.
At lease I hope he was...hehehe
Come on Mike give me your best shot!
The Human Body - very informative!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Do they make thumb stretchers.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear Do they make thumb stretchers.
Ok,for me this is still funny
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
�� Quote: Originally Posted by panais Ok,for me this is still funny
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
lol when I showed him a picture of it he said "THAT'S RAM"
then completely ignored me, I gave up on that thread from what I'm seeing in my notifications people are still trying to get him to just do the most basic of things without just coming up with some sort of comeback that has nothing to do with 'the price of tea in china' as my aunt used to say.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Maguscreed �� Quote: Originally Posted by panais Ok,for me this is still funny
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
Maguscreed ""Is the memory properly secured?
Have you pulled and reseated it?""
OP ""which memory?""
lol when I showed him a picture of it he said "THAT'S RAM"
then completely ignored me, I gave up on that thread from what I'm seeing in my notifications people are still trying to get him to just do the most basic of things without just coming up with some sort of comeback that has nothing to do with 'the price of tea in china' as my aunt used to say.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves �� Quote: Originally Posted by Layback Bear Do they make thumb stretchers.
Jim
There's just NO hope for you guys.. you stray away too easily.. or did you just forget again.. then begin with what had stayed with you ??
I think that may well be elephant talk.
I think that may well be elephant talk.
Mike , you have confirmed my point !!!!!.....lol
Let's face it, only a man could possibly conceive that 2 inches is as good as a foot!
Probably so, but I'm sure we could stretch things a bit.
Ain't got a clue!
I thought it was a joke thread.
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Maguscreed I thought it was a joke thread.
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
like this old man wanders into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
"I have this horrible problem I married a very attractive much younger woman and all she wants is to have sex all the time"
The doctor pulls out his pad to write up a prescription for viagra when the old man continues
"no doc you don't understand, I can't remember where I live"
LPt, Seavixen, Maguscreed and others
I love it. I haven't laughed this much in ....weeks.
I needed some conversating
and laughter. �� Quote: Originally Posted by whs The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
A Guy
Double zipped.
The trouble with me is I am all.....................THUMBS!
I sure had a good laugh. I still have tears in my eyes - at 5AM.
I am sometimes amazed at how sleazy some threads can turn in a forum which is supposed to be devoted to Windows 7 and where already 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here). I thought that it was a general computer forum rule to keep the conversation clean - including in the chillout section. I apologise in advance if I offended anyone, but I had to express my surprise at the "grossness" level.
It's not all out sleaze, to be sure. Some double entendre to be sure.. I certainly doubt a 13 year old isn't exposed to much more. We are mostly adults here, and this is the chillout room. The admins obviously think the thread is within guidelines. Sorry if we offended you, none of us are intentionally offensive. A Guy
If ever you want to see a master class in double entendres, the series of Carry On films with Sid James & Co have no peer.
That said, I'm sure none of us had any intention to offend anyone so I apologise if we did.
That said, I'm sure none of us had any intention to offend anyone so I apologise if we did.
Why the thread is marked as solved?
One day...
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by arkhi One day...
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I may do the same with a car.
�� Quote: Originally Posted by panais �� Quote: Originally Posted by arkhi One day...
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I asked God for a bike.
But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I may do the same with a car.
Jim
You steal a bike and get caught and thrown in jail.
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man You steal a bike and get caught and thrown in jail.
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
A big angry looking guy asks "what you in for?"
You say " Not much, just stole a bike"
He says. "So your the SOB that stole my little brothers bike!"
Jim
Subject: Marriage
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
�� Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 Subject: Marriage
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25
years they had spent together.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of
their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our
honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started
the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy
one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your
first time'.
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!
Good one M'Lady
A Guy
A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene I am sometimes amazed at how sleazy some threads can turn in a forum which is supposed to be devoted to Windows 7 and where already 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here). I thought that it was a general computer forum rule to keep the conversation clean - including in the chillout section. I apologise in advance if I offended anyone, but I had to express my surprise at the "grossness" level.
They see far worse on tv, in school, on the bus ride, in the mall.
People don't really seem to understand the fact that sex is so prevalent now that the average 6 year old has a full working knowledge of it. It's just impossible to hide in this day and age, we aren't being explicit at all. We aren't even using slang words.
The more you try to hide something from kids the more they seek it out anyway, it's a natural curiosity response. When we harp on them about not doing drugs many times it can have the reverse affect that was intended... what are drugs? maybe I should try them. I don't know it all seems rather twisted and bent to me.
Agreed Maguscreed...I personnaly am more offended by the conduct and actions of our so called "clean" politicians and bankers than I am of a couple of slighly racy jokes. Some people need to keep closer control of their childrens actions on the web if they have problems with this site...!
Geeks, I'm siding with Athene here. Although only happened a couple of times but I have reported some of jokes we've had here because I've found them not only sexually explicit (which I could if not accept but at least tolerate), but also in my personal opinion disturbingly rude an / or bad taste.
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
As Paddy watched a truckload of turf (sod) being driven to its destination, he turned to Seamus and said, "I'm gonna do dat."
"Do what?" asked Seamus.
"Send my lawn away to be cut." replied Paddy.
"Do what?" asked Seamus.
"Send my lawn away to be cut." replied Paddy.
To be honest, I think we take our cues by what is posted and is allowed. I personally am not offended, and don't post racy jokes. But I made what I thought a funny post with the long thumb. Still think it was funny, but if anyone is offended, I would have to think hard before posting anything in the future. A Guy
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here).
�� Quote: Originally Posted by djl47 �� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here).
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Kari Geeks, I'm siding with Athene here. Although only happened a couple of times but I have reported some of jokes we've had here because I've found them not only sexually explicit (which I could if not accept but at least tolerate), but also in my personal opinion disturbingly rude an / or bad taste.
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
Then, again, you geeks have right; youngsters of today see, hear and know enough so that I do not think this Jokes section is going to "reveal" anything new to them.
Kari
�� Quote: Originally Posted by Athene I am sometimes amazed at how sleazy some threads can turn in a forum which is supposed to be devoted to Windows 7 and where already 13-year-olds can sign up (and since it is obviously impossible to check the true age, it can be assumed that there are people well below that age participating over here). I thought that it was a general computer forum rule to keep the conversation clean - including in the chillout section. I apologise in advance if I offended anyone, but I had to express my surprise at the "grossness" level.
Just found this post ....
I respect your right to voice your opinion.
However if you find some of the jokes here "sleazy" I suggest you " shut your eyes" & /or leave the area.
Different strokes for different folks..
{Jan & Ken}
Well, I must say that I'm glad that I was not ripped into a million pieces for voicing my opinion :-) But you are perfectly right, the joke thread is definitely not my cup of tea...Und tsch�ss* :-)
*Sorry, that's German for "and bye" :-)
*Sorry, that's German for "and bye" :-)
Athene, you have my respect for being brave on dictating your opinion and for standing up what you think is right. You did point out some good points that I stand with. We are an open forum, after all. I have the belief that no thread/subforums should be stereotyped in a specific category. *bows*
On the other note...
How to teach a girl to dance ?n j??t 3 ?econds ?
Throw a cockroach on her !
We are an open forum, after all. I have the belief that no thread/subforums should be stereotyped in a specific category. *bows*On the other note...
How to teach a girl to dance ?n j??t 3 ?econds ?
Throw a cockroach on her !
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